


omissions

by kkamikaze



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Crying, Depression, Dissociation, Emetophobia, Friendship, Gen, Graduation, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Non-Canonical Character Death, Panic Attacks, Swearing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, lots of it unfortunately, near the start of chap 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 53,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25029880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkamikaze/pseuds/kkamikaze
Summary: He lifts his good hand, pressing his fingers against his cheek, trying to retether himself to the ground in literally any way he could. He’s fine. He’sfine.He was fine.Even if Jared hadn’t been at his locker this morning.(Or: Jared is dead, and Evan isn't sure how he's allowed to feel.)
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman
Comments: 38
Kudos: 79





	1. act I

**Author's Note:**

> the long awaited jared!dies au..... thank y'all for ur pushing to get me to do somethin' with it! i hope this sadness is what u wanted

_Rochester, NY -_

_A confirmed suicide has been reported Tuesday morning at around 4:30am when first responders recovered the body of 18-year-old Jared Kleinman off the Driving Park Ave bridge over the Genesee River in Rochester. The teen had been reported missing by Monday evening at around 6:00pm, Ms. Deanna Kleinman telling RPD that he never returned home from school._

_Officials say that his car was found parked a few miles away in an empty lot, with his cellphone left powered off inside._

_Kleinman was pronounced dead at the scene._

That’s all the article says. 

There’s a picture of Jared on there, too. It’s the school ID picture from their junior year, the one that Jared always complained about because the photographer took the photo at a bad angle. It put a strange glare on his glasses, and he looked kind of washed out. Honestly, Jared probably would’ve found it kind of horribly ironic/hilarious that this was the picture they were using. 

Evan heard the news from his mom fifteen minutes after Jared was found. The article was posted at 5:25am, and the timestamp on Evan’s phone where he has the article pulled up says _last updated 19 minutes ago_ , despite the glowing numbers at the top of his phone displaying 11:49am. He hadn’t refreshed the page since he first opened it, hence why the numbers were wrong; he hadn’t been able to go back to sleep, either, and what little conversation he had with his mom had been painful enough, so now he was just. Here. With himself. And the article on his phone. And he had been for hours, now. 

His mom had called in for him, told the school that he wouldn’t be in today. He hadn’t asked for her to do that. He’s not sure that he wanted to go to school after knowing what he did, but he’s also not exactly sure what sitting alone in his house staring back at these words of finality and Jared’s smiling face with a stupid glare on his glasses was going to do for him. 

He can’t count the number of times he’s read the article, nor the times he _hasn’t_ read the article, just let his eyes wander along the words as _if_ he was reading them because his brain was physically preventing him from taking them in another time. It’s not like re-reading it will suddenly make the words untrue or will bring him closer from waking up from this bad dream that he’s in. He can’t fathom doing anything other than trying right now, though.

_Kleinman was pronounced dead at the scene._

Evan isn’t sure if it’d make him feel any better if they hadn’t had to put his whole name in it. They could’ve just left it at ‘teen’.

Just. Seeing it makes him want to puke. 

Kleinman. Dead. 

Evan’s phone screen had dimmed, and because he hadn’t noticed it eventually locked. Blinking, his eyes refocused and he looked back to unlock it. It had refreshed the page in the process, too - _last updated 6 hours ago._

Like everything else, time feels heavy and wrong.

He exhales through his nose, pretends that the sound isn’t shaking. Sets his phone down. Lies down and also pretends that he’s going to try and go back to sleep. 

—

“Evan!” 

Evan flinches at the distinct sound of his name, jerking back a bit from his locker and looking around for the source. Of course, Evan was kind of a generic name, though, there wasn’t a guarantee that he was the Evan they were talking about —

“Evan,” the voice says, closer, more agitated, and upon closing his locker door a little, he meets eyes with Connor Murphy. Coincidentally, the same Connor Murphy who stole his letter in the computer lab what felt like ages ago, and whose name was scribbled crudely on the entire front of his cast. 

Also, the same one who might kick his ass because of the contents of said stolen letter. 

Evan blinks and swallows thickly before shutting his locker all the way. “U-Uh, hey?” He could at least hope that Connor wouldn’t kick his ass in this hallway full of people. 

But at a closer glance, Connor didn’t look.. angry. Evan couldn’t tell _what_ his expression was, but it wasn’t that same furious slightly hysterical look he left with Evan before storming out of the computer lab. His eyebrows were drawn together, and if anything he looked more uncomfortable than anything. Similar to at least how he looked _before_ shit went down between them on Monday.

“Here.” Connor shoves a folded up piece of paper into Evan’s hands. 

Evan fumbles a bit with the paper, offering a wary look at it and then to Connor, who’s expression doesn’t change. Evan clumsily opens it, and. 

It’s the letter from the computer lab. The same words from Monday stare up at him, and God, they kind of hit him a little different, now. 

“I overreacted,” Connor blurts out, and Evan’s eyes snap back up to him. In turn, Connor looks down at his feet. “So, um. Yeah. Sorry.” 

Evan is almost too stunned to open his mouth, better yet make any words come out. “Oh. It’s - It’s okay,” he eventually stammers, and Connor’s face sort of relaxes. 

“Cool.” And then, added as a slightly colder afterthought, “Just. Stay away from my sister.” 

Understandable, reasonable, Evan could do that. “Right, I - yeah. Got it.” 

Connor is still lingering by his locker, though. The crowd has started to thin out some, kids probably trudging off to their respective classes by now. Evan doesn’t know if he’s supposed to say anything else, if he has any unspoken obligation to continue this conversation, so he focuses on fiddling awkwardly with the edge of the paper and eventually folding it up to haphazardly stick it into his pocket. 

Connor’s voice was quiet when he did eventually speak. “And, um. Sorry. About your friend.” 

Oh. 

Jared.

Right. 

Jared was..

Evan opens his mouth, and this time he genuinely _couldn’t_ get anything to come out. He shuts his mouth dumbly, sort of just nods his head like a stupid fucking bobblehead and keeps his gaze fixated on the floor. 

He can’t make himself look up at Connor, so Evan doesn’t get the chance to see what face he’s making at Evan in the following seconds that he’s _still_ standing there. But Connor eventually clears his throat a little, adjusts his bag, and steps past him. “Anyway, see you.” 

“See you,” Evan answers quietly, voice hoarse. 

— 

The front door closes with a quiet click behind him. 

“Hey, honey,” His mom calls from where she’s sitting on the couch, and - oh, Evan didn’t realize she’d be home. (She’s been home a lot lately, though. Maybe he should’ve figured.) He lifts his head and shifts his weight to his heels to lean back against where he’d shut the door. His backpack is digging a little painfully into his shoulders. 

“Hi,” he murmurs. 

She stands up and walks over to meet him, the smile on her face careful, deliberate in a way that’s tense. Like she’s approaching a wounded animal. It makes him feel sick, and his heart skips over a beat or two before it compensates by speeding up altogether.

“Did you - how was school?” 

School. Right. He just came from there. 

“It, um.. It’s..” _Come on, just say fine._ His voice sort of catches and he winces hard at himself before he can. Jesus, why can’t he take any initiative within any conversation he’s had today? He presses more weight backwards. “It was. _Itwasokay_.” And of course he says it like that, that way too fast. 

He has a sneaking suspicion that his mom already knows what’s about to happen, because her smile is already wilting and she’s taking a few steps closer. “Evan? Are you alright?” 

“ _Yes,_ yeah, I’m - yeah. Fine. I’m..” When did his breathing get this ragged? He didn’t notice, probably because he was focused more on the way his heart felt like it was lodged in his throat and how his vision was blurring with tears and the stupid fucking tunnel vision he normally got when he was about to have a panic attack. He lifts his good hand, pressing his fingers against his cheek, trying to retether himself to the ground in literally any way he could. He’s fine. He’s _fine._

He was fine.

Even if Jared hadn’t been at his locker this morning. 

Even if Jared didn’t give him the utmost shit literally before Evan could get to homeroom, yet still sit next to him at lunch with an air of ‘ _I’m only here because I have to be’,_ when Evan knew that Jared was really just like him, that he was lonely and cynical and didn’t actually have anyone else to sit with. He was like Evan, so how, _how_ could this have come out of left field, how could Evan not have fucking _noticed_ , how could he not see how strange Jared was acting on Monday, why didn’t he question Jared leaving his panicked message about Connor on read because, despite how shitty he made Evan feel most of the time, he still for whatever reason almost always humored all the stupid fucking situations Evan got himself into, why was Evan so oblivious to what was right in front of him —

“Evan, hey, _stop_ ,” His wrist is being wrenched away from his face, only realizing at the absence of the sensation that he was digging his nails into his cheek. Also, somewhere between a second (minute? minutes?) ago and now, he’d slid down the door to sit on the floor. His mom is kneeling in front of him, eyes wide and scared and full of tears, and she’s clutching his wrist tight. 

He hates crying, and he hates crying in front of his _mom,_ but he can’t help the ugly hiccuping and choking up he’s doing over himself, and he ducks his head so she isn’t _looking_ at him, her words sounding like they’re miles away. It’s not like there’s much she can say. There just.. _isn’t_ anything to say. 

This is the first time he’s cried since that day when he broke his arm. The horrible irony of that only makes him sob harder. 

“I could’ve — I, h-he didn’t even, I _could_ have—” he’s trying to get out words through what little breaths he could. That’s not even a semblance of a coherent thought, but somehow his mom still gets it enough to pull him close to her, his head on her chest and a hand holding the back of his head as she hushes him.

“There wasn’t any way you could’ve known,” she says, voice thick, and. That pretty much does him in. 

His body slackens, and he lets his mom sort of rock them from where they’re both sitting on the floor in front of the front door, and he cries until he can’t anymore. 

— 

The first week of school, he only is in attendance on Monday, and Thursday. Way to start senior year. 

The following Monday, they have an assembly about mental illness. Evan sits through the first ten, maybe fifteen minutes before he excuses himself to lock himself in a bathroom stall and will himself to stop hyperventilating before he threw up. 

By Wednesday, he’s returned to how he’d been before last Thursday - empty, numbly going through the motions, trying to wrap his head around something that is no longer there. He doesn’t know what gets into him later in the day to stalk to the furthest back corner in the cafeteria to where Connor Murphy is sitting and plop himself in the seat across from him, but it happens. 

Connor lifts his head from where it’d been laying against the table. Looks at Evan. He looks indifferent and says nothing before laying his head back down. They sit in silence. 

Evan gets to that same table first on Thursday. When Connor gets there, he looks at Evan, nods, sits down, shoves an earbud in his ear, and puts his head down again. He doesn’t tell Evan to leave, though. 

_Now we can both pretend we have friends._ That was what Connor said to him on Monday, right? In the computer lab? 

A part of him feels like it’s dirty, to accept Connor’s offer (if you could call it that) in the midst of Jared being gone. Evan tells himself that he probably would’ve tried regardless of if Jared was here or not, but it doesn’t make him feel any less disgusted with himself. 

But really, what else was new. 

— 

It’s weird being in the Kleinman’s house. Because on one hand, Evan hadn’t been here in almost two years. On the other, he still knew where everything was, because in the time since he’d been here last it seems that they haven’t really changed or rearranged anything. It was familiar even though it shouldn’t have been. 

Also, he’s pretty sure he’s never been here without.. y’know. Jared. So. 

It feels wrong. He was invited in, but he feels like he’s intruding.

“You can take a seat wherever, hon,” Jared’s mom tells him, her grin tired, forced. Evan’s eyes flicker briefly over the living room before he reluctantly plops down into the armchair. Sitting right next to her on the couch felt like it’d be weird. 

Not that anything about this was _normal_ , but he could only handle up to a certain amount of discomfort here. 

“Thank you for, um. For inviting me.” Evan says, because it feels like the Polite thing to do. Ms. Kleinman just shakes her head, still holding onto that weary grin. 

“Thank you for coming. I know, ah..” It falters, just for a second, before she sort of shakes herself and smiles a bit sheepishly instead. “I know this is probably - this isn’t the most _comfortable_ thing, I guess,” When she talks more quietly, it’s easier for Evan to hear the bit of rasp stuck to her voice. ( _It sounds like she’s been screaming_ , Evan’s brain uninvitingly offers - and it’s more chilling that that very well might’ve been the case.) “But. I appreciate it.” 

“Of course,” Evan nods, clearing his throat a little. “I’m - I’m sorry my mom couldn’t come, she started going back to work yesterday, so— ”

“No worries. She’s been over a lot this last week, I - she’s been great. I’m glad she’s finally going back.” 

(He knows that his mom has already been over here a lot. There hasn’t been a time that she hasn’t left without asking Evan if he wanted to come with her.)

Not knowing what to say to that, Evan just nods, eyes dropping to his lap. 

And then it’s quiet between them for a long time. 

Evan had known for years that Jared and his mom had been a little uncannily similar - he got most of his looks from her, they both had a sassy, snarky sort of sense of humor, and they both were fairly smart. But Evan didn’t really consider that maybe they were alike in the sense that they both sucked at confrontation, too. It was definitely a fact that he knew about _Jared,_ but the way his mom looks more uncomfortable than distressed right now gives him an inkling that she might be the same way. 

Not that Evan, like. Has _any_ room whatsoever to talk about people not being able to just say what they have to say. He at least has the excuse that he’s never _had_ to be confrontational, which seemed to be in part given how he was more or less a side character in his own life. 

“I just wanted to ask,” she eventually starts. “He didn’t.. did he say anything to you? About anything?”

Evan blinks, frowning. “About, uh..?” 

“That he.. felt like that?” She says, with a pained sort of wince. And then softer, “I just feel like this came so.. so, all of a sudden, you know?” 

Evan _also_ feels like this came out of nowhere, but he doesn’t feel like he should be allowed to say that. He saw Jared on the first day of school. He knew, somewhere between the lines, that something had been wrong. “No, I - he didn’t say anything. To me.” They hadn’t even really talked that much over the summer, had they? 

Ms. Kleinman’s face falls, and she sort of looks at her lap with a wistful grin. “I.. yeah. I figured he didn’t,” she says it so quietly, and it sounds so drained and defeated and it kind of makes Evan’s heart ache. “He already didn’t talk to me about a _lot_ of things, so it.. I mean, it makes sense that this wasn’t any, ah. Different.” 

Evan is, yet again, unsure what to say. He figures going ‘oh yeah, same’ would be the incorrect thing to do, because clearly Jared’s mom was trying to seek out _some_ solace from the fact that maybe Evan had any information whatsoever. Unfortunately, it seemed like everyone clearly had a different and inaccurate idea of how close he and Jared ever were. 

He also cuts the thought off there, because it’s still a hurtful thought, and the last thing he wants to do is have a panic attack in Jared’s living room. 

(Should he still consider it Jared’s? So casually, as if it’s still his, as if Evan is here visiting _him_?) 

“I feel like..” She continues, and Evan’s eyes flicker back up to her. “Especially as of these past couple years, that I don’t - I don’t really know anything about him at _all,_ ” _That’s_ the sentiment that finally makes her voice crack, and she immediately clears her throat and sort of lifts a hand close to her face, like she’s preparing to cover her mouth. “And that’s - it’s so _shitty,_ but. I really just.. I don’t. He didn’t tell me _anything,_ and I clearly didn’t make as much of an effort as I should’ve to figure anything out, to get him to talk to me..” 

Evan shifts uncomfortably. Clears his throat a little. “I.. yeah, Jared was.. he was kind of secretive?” Not sure if that was necessarily true, but Evan was going to asphyxiate if he didn’t force himself to say at least _something._

“I guess,” his mom agrees, but she also sounds.. tentative, about it. “I know he had.. um. Other friends? From camp, or maybe school, but he.. again, he didn’t tell me much about them.” 

Well. That’d make sense, because Evan was at least mostly sure that those friends didn’t, like. Exist. 

But that was a mean thing to think _or_ say. Maybe Jared _did_ have other friends and Evan just didn’t know about them. 

He shakes himself from his thoughts to sort of look at Ms. Kleinman again. Her eyes are starting to well with tears and she’s looking more and more defeated as this conversation goes on, likely because she’s starting to become aware that Evan _also_ didn’t know shit. Which. He could see how that could be upsetting. 

His newest nervous habit had been to pick at the plaster on his cast, so he starts to do that and pretends pointedly that he’s not starting to break out into a sweat. 

“Do you.. I don’t know, did you know any of them?” Despite the tears, her voice sounds flat. Maybe she also doesn’t believe it. 

Evan freezes though - and from where he’s frozen, his eyes are directed to his cast. 

And to the crudely scribbled name all across the front. 

In times like these, the ability to overthink any decision he makes sort of escapes him. 

What if..

“Connor,” he murmurs, and he doesn’t think it’s, like, an answer to Jared’s mom’s question, rather just the filter between his brain and his mouth short-circuiting and allowing his thoughts to just. Be out there. But she takes it as one, because out of his peripheral vision he can see her sit up a little straighter. 

“Huh?” 

Evan’s gaze snaps back up. 

She’s looking at him expectantly, now. 

Fuck. 

He opens his mouth, eyes flickering back down to his cast and then up at her again, and. Well. 

“I - yeah.” _Don’t._ “Connor.” _Stop talking stop talking stop talking._ “He’s - he was another one of our friends.” Evan swallows thickly, and then sort of holds his arm up so she can see his cast, as if trying to prove to her that this mysterious boy exists given that his name is scribbled on Evan’s arm. 

Her eyes dart from his cast, and then back up to his face. 

“He, um. He goes to our school.” Why is he still talking? “He’s in our grade. We, we met him in a class we all had together last year.” 

He can’t quite read Ms. Kleinman’s expression, but it looks like she’s.. thinking, maybe. She tilts her head a little. After a long moment, she gently asks, “Were they - were they close..?” 

Evan nods. 

“And he.. you said his name was _Connor_?”

He nods again. Anxiously raps his fingers against the cast.

She nods back at him, furrowing her brow and looking away from him finally. “I.. well. I’ve definitely never _heard_ Jared talk about him, but.. I guess if he was secretive, that makes sense.” 

“We - we hung out a lot, um. At his house. Connor’s. So.” She looks up at him again and he resists the urge to shrink back in the chair. “That might be, um. Why. You never saw him.” 

It looks like she’s mulling over that. “You know, he definitely wasn’t home as much as he used to be lately. And I feel like it might’ve started last year, too.” She laughs lightly, obviously with no humor to be found. “That’d probably explain it.” 

Evan nods again and tries to nonchalantly wipe his palms off on his jeans. 

And obviously, this string of facts that Evan just made up didn’t completely rejuvenate Ms. Kleinman’s spirits or anything. The rest of their time together sort of drags by after that, but.. he thinks that it might’ve helped? It did.. alter the mood, a little, he thinks. But he’s never been great at reading situations or other people, so who was to say?

“My mom’s here,” Evan says before he’s even read the text message from his mom that pops up on his phone after they’ve been sitting here talking for what felt like _forever_ , thanking whatever God was up there for getting him _out_ of here. 

Ms. Kleinman ends up walking him to the door, leaning against the staircase railing as she watches him fumble to tie his shoes (it’s much harder to do with mostly one hand, if you could believe it). 

And he’s almost forgotten the earlier part of their conversation, but then she speaks again. “Hey, Evan?” 

He manages to get one shoe tied and sort of just stuffs the untied laces on his other shoe underneath the tongue of his sneaker, scrambling up to his feet. “Yes?” 

She takes a breath. “I don’t know, um.. if it’d be weird since I’ve never met him, but. Please let Connor know that he’s welcome here anytime too, yeah?” She offers him another tentative smile. “I’d love to talk to him, if he and Jared really had been close.” 

Oh. 

“I..” Evan clamps his mouth shut, biting down hard on the inside of his cheek, before nodding. “Yeah. I’ll let him know.” 

“Thank you,” she says with a nod, and her eyes read totally genuine. 

She believed every word Evan had said. 

On the car ride home, his mom asks how it went. Evan says ‘good’ even though he’s sure that by extension, that’s another lie. 

— 

“Okay, let me get this straight,” Connor pushes his bangs out of his face, and this time the hallway _is_ empty because it’s after school, so Connor definitely _does_ have full-range to kick his ass. “You told Jared Kleinman’s mom that I was friends with him?” 

“And me, by association, I guess.” 

“Right.” Connor’s expression is unreadable, but that might be in part because Evan is kind of scared to maintain eye contact with him for more than a few seconds. “And you did this because…?” 

“I don’t know,” Evan says, and his voice cracks and he mentally kicks himself for it. “Just. We were talking, and she looked really sad that he didn’t - that he didn’t have any other friends, or know anything about him, and I don’t _really_ know anything about him either so I just said you were _also_ our friend so maybe she’d feel better that he at least had _two_ real friends instead of one but apparently she’s really counting on that and I, I’m _sorry_ I just talk sometimes and I didn’t actually think she’d believe me—”

“Okay, okay, _Jesus_ , calm down,” Connor hisses, shaking his head. “Just. _What_ are you asking me for?” 

Evan forces himself to take a breath, managing to glance up properly at Connor. “To go along with it?” 

“Which entails...?” 

“I don’t know yet.” Connor is looking at him pointedly, and Evan reaches behind him for his bag. “I can - I’ll give you, like twenty bucks if you just—” 

“I - _no,_ stop,” Connor says, exasperated and already waving Evan off. Evan awkwardly shrugs his backpack back on. Connor stares at him for a second, skeptically, which really doesn’t do anything to keep Evan from wanting to sink down in the cracks of the tiles underneath them, before he eventually sighs. “Okay.” 

Evan blinks. “O-Okay?” 

“I’ll _do_ it,” Connor clarifies, irritated. “Only because, like. It’d probably be good for me, too.” 

Evan doesn’t say anything, but furrows his brows. Good for him, too? Connor sighs again, though it sounds more exhausted than aggravated this time. 

“My parents keep bugging me to be more.. ‘out there’ and, like. I don’t know. Normal. If I can say I have friends, maybe they’ll treat me less like a fuckin’ delinquient, y’know?” 

“Oh,” Evan says, because he’s not sure of what else to say. _There. Now we both can pretend we have friends._ Maybe Connor’s offer had been more genuine than he’d thought at the time. 

“And they’d probably also give me more freedom if they thought I _actually_ had places to be.” He shakes his head. “So. Yeah. I’ll do it.” 

“You - really?” 

Connor nods, before raising an eyebrow. “I still don’t really get why you’re lying to his mom, but..” 

Evan doesn’t really know either, but that’s not important at the moment. “Thank you,” he says instead, and Connor just shrugs, readjusting his bag. 

“Sure.” The distant sound of chatter gets a little louder until the doors to the band room leading out into the hallway open. Zoe Murphy steps out amongst the other band kids, and Evan assumes that’s who Connor was waiting for. She’s laughing lightly at something one of the other girls said to her until she meets Connor’s eyes, to which her grin sort of falters. 

“You ready?” She asks him stiffly as she walks over to them, and Evan assumes that the.. wariness might be because Evan was also there. 

“Yeah,” Connor replies, pushing up from the wall he was leaning against. He offers Evan a look, nodding once. “See ya.” 

“Oh, uh. Bye.” 

Connor starts to walk away, and Zoe follows him only after giving Evan another cautious glance. 

— 

_@Alana_Beck_ _[7:15am]_

Hello, Evan! 

I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but I just wanted to personally let you know that student council is putting together a little memorial event tomorrow night at around 7pm in the cove for Jared. It’s going to be sort of like a candlelight vigil. 

I figured you’d want to know about it. 

_@ev.hansen_ _[7:19am]_

hey! yeah thank you for letting me know

_@Alana_Beck_ _[7:20am]_

Yeah, of course! I’m sorry it’s so short notice. 

_@ev.hansen_ _[7:20am]_

its ok, its awesome that you guys are putting on anything at all 

i didn’t think anyone would

_@Alana_Beck_ _[7:21am]_

It’s just important, you know? 

_@Alana_Beck_ _[7:26am]_

Student council wasn’t totally on board at first. They said that the assembly last week had been enough, and that they didn’t know him enough to put together something. 

I didn’t know him too well, either, but that just.. didn’t sit right with me. The assembly hadn’t even been about him, it was just the school trying to cover their ass for having a sub-par focus on mental health / bullying in general and thus allowing for something like this to happen in the first place. Pardon the language.

I told them that if they weren’t going to do it, I’d organize something myself. 

_@ev.hansen_ _[7:33am]_

yeah

the assembly was lowkey kind of bullshit.. it felt really forced

_@ev.hansen_ _[7:38am]_

but that’s seriously, like

really cool of you to do that

i’m sorry i’m not great at words?? but

it really does mean a lot

i’m sure his mom is really gonna appreciate it, she’s had a rough couple of weeks

_@Alana_Beck_ _[7:40am]_

I hope so.

I’ll see you tomorrow, then? 

_@ev.hansen_ _[7:48am]_

yeah! see you

—

Much to Evan’s surprise, when he walks through the parking lot and to the cove right behind their school building at around 8pm, an hour after the vigil was supposed to end, Alana is still there. She’s sitting on the curb, typing something vigilantly on her phone. 

Or she is, until she hears Evan, and her gaze snaps up. 

“Evan! Hey!” She smiles at him - it.. doesn’t look like the same smile she would give to him if they met eyes in the hallway. Almost a little more reserved, a little less tightly woven. Real.

Not in the sense that Alana is usually _fake,_ but Evan isn’t sure he’s ever seen her not existing under some sort of pressure. 

“Hey,” he greets back, trying to match her grin - it probably comes off a lot more sheepish. “I’m sorry that I’m so late, I - I didn’t really, um..” He takes a moment to glance around the cove. Several feet away from where Alana is sitting, there’s a framed picture of Jared on the ground. There’s several bouquets laying around it, as well as three candles, all of which are still lit. 

Evan blinks hard, shaking his head. “I wanted to come when there were less people around.” 

“I get that,” Alana says gently, and it sounds like she does. 

Evan looks at the little memorial set up, lets go of a shaky breath, and gently lowers himself to sit on the curb next to Alana. 

“Are you - you weren’t waiting for me, were you?” 

“I was at first, but I’m actually just waiting for my ride, now.” 

“Oh.” Again, he looks up at it. They at least didn’t use the picture from the article that he knew Jared would’ve hated. He’s pretty sure that it’s a picture of him from camp, maybe taken from the camp’s Facebook account or something, because it’s a candid of him outside somewhere grinning out at something not in the frame. 

“A lot more people came than I thought would,” Alana comments quietly, and Evan glances over at her. 

“Really?” 

She nods. “It was.. honestly, kind of sweet. Unifying, in a way. A few people talked - mostly just stories from something he did in class. Since not a lot of them could say that they’d ever spoken to him personally..” She trails off, and Evan nods. He gets it. 

“And a few people came that I didn’t think would come at all,” she says, eyes having flickered down to her lap. “Like - you know Connor Murphy, right?” 

Evan blinks, straightening a little. “Connor came?” 

“He didn’t say anything, but.. yeah, he was there. I really didn’t expect to see him.” 

“Huh..” That was.. something. Evan wouldn’t have expected that, either. 

“Maybe it’s telling, that even people Like Connor would come.”

Alana glances over, and she must see his cast, because she blinks several times and flushes. “Oh - I - is that his name on your..?” She looks embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you two were friends..” 

Evan glances down at it and then back up at her quickly, grinning awkwardly. “Oh, um. Yeah. It’s okay. Recent development.” Kind of. 

“Oh, okay..” 

Evan clears his throat after a moment. “Thank you, again, by the way. For putting all this together.” 

Alana shrugs, her smile faint. “I mean, it was the least I could do.” It wilts a little after a second, though, and she sighs quietly. “I feel bad that I didn’t get to talk to him more, before...” 

_Yeah, me too._ “Right.” 

“We’ve had a bunch of classes together - I remember he always paired up with me in pre-calc last year when we had to do partner work...” She hesitates, something in her expression shifting. “And.. I don’t know. I never felt like he did it just because he thought I’d know all the answers.” She shrugs again and glances at her shoes. “It was nice. He was always really funny.” 

Just like how it’d been with Connor however many days ago, Evan can only open his mouth, before closing it and just nodding. 

He wasn’t sure what it was, but it was just. Exceedingly hard to talk to other people about Jared. At least like this. 

Alana’s phone vibrates, and another moment later they both glance up when a lone pair of headlights shines through the parking lot. Alana stands up and brushes off her pants. “Well, it was nice talking to you, Evan.” 

“Yeah, you too.” 

She doesn’t immediately leave, though, sort of lingering, briefing glancing from the car to him. “Did you - do you have a ride home?” 

“Huh? Oh - I walked? But. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? I’m sure my dad wouldn’t mind giving you a ride…” 

“No, it’s - I’ll be okay, really.” Besides, he feels like he should at least stay here for a little while longer. “But, um. Thank you.”

“Okay,” Alana relents warily. And then gentler, “Have a good rest of your night, then.” 

“You too.” 

Once Alana’s dad’s car has pulled out of the parking lot, only leaving Evan and the flickering of weak candles in the cove, he sighs quietly and hugs his knees closer to his chest from where he’s still sitting on the curb. 

It’s still August, so the nights aren’t too cold yet. The most the wind does is sway the flames of the candles. 

— 

_@ev.hansen_ _[10:04pm]_

you went to the vigil?

_@ConnorMurphy_ _[10:04pm]_

yea

what, was i not supposed to or something?

_@ev.hansen_ _[10:05pm]_

no!

i mean, like, no that’s not what i meant not no you weren’t supposed to go

sorry

i just wasn’t expecting it

since you didn’t really like know him or anything idk

_@ConnorMurphy_ _[10:06pm]_

hardly any of the people who went actually knew him 

also according to you he and i were friends, so

_@ConnorMurphy_ _[10:10pm]_

just felt like it was the right thing to do idfk

even if he was an asshole

_@ev.hansen_ _[10:12pm]_

right, no i get it

sorry

_@ConnorMurphy_ _[10:13pm]_

weird that u didn’t show up 

_@ev.hansen_ _[10:14pm]_

i did after everyone else left

crowds make me anxious

_@ConnorMurphy_ _[10:14pm]_

oh

— 

Evan’s never been to a funeral before. 

Ironically enough, the most he has to go by are, of course, anecdotes Jared has told him. 

_“It’s so uncomfortable and awkward and weird and everyone is crying. Like, it really is just a miserable gathering for an hour around people you haven’t seen in years all acting like they’re not going to go back to only annually speaking to each other once it’s all over.”_

It’s mostly Jared’s family, so Evan doesn’t know how strongly that rings true. Although they’re ‘family friends’, the ‘family’ part really only extended to Jared’s immediate family - his mom, his siblings. Everyone else Evan was pretty sure he’d only seen maybe once or twice in his life, maybe in pictures, maybe at family parties he got invited to when he and Jared were little. He’s sure they have no idea who he is, either. 

It’s open casket. Which. Of course it is. 

Evan should’ve figured it would be, but when they’re there and his casket is open and Jared is just _there,_ it still comes off as a surreal and horrifying surprise that Evan hadn’t at all prepared himself for. 

“Do you want to go up and..?” His mom asks him before it starts, and, like. Evan knows he’ll likely regret it for the rest of his life if he _doesn’t_ , but also knows that he’s going to be scarred by the image of whatever Jared looks like for the rest of his life if he _does_. 

His mom goes up with him. 

It.. just looks like Jared is sleeping. 

In a suit. Much paler than he should be. He’s missing his glasses. 

Evan swallows around bile and passively lets his mom drag him back to his seat before he passes out. 

—

They probably could’ve talked about this at school, technically. Like, it’s not like anyone sat with them at their lunch table or was actively trying to listen in on their conversation. 

It just didn’t sit right with Evan to openly talk in public about deceiving his dead best friend’s grieving mother. 

“That’s a little much.” 

Evan glances up to where Connor has plopped himself in his desk chair. He frowns. “I - I don’t know, okay, it just. It feels wrong.” 

Regardless, Connor didn’t seem to mind the invitation to come over to Evan’s house. His parents have been supposedly elated at the fact that Connor now has a friend (though his existence did have to be confirmed by Zoe, apparently), so they didn’t seem to care that Connor walked home with Evan instead of waiting for his sister’s after-school band rehearsal to finish out. And Connor did make a comment about, like, preferring to be anywhere but at his house at any given moment, so. 

He isn’t sure if it’s because Connor is just being a rebellious teenager or if, like. Stuff happens at his house. Evan doesn’t think he has the right to ask either way. 

“I think you’re looking into it way too deeply,” Connor says, rolling his eyes. “If his mom was _that_ willing to accept the fact that he had a whole ass friend that she didn’t know about, I’m pretty sure a cover story doesn’t even have to exist. We could just, like. Wing it.” 

“That’s not. I don’t think I’d be very good at winging it.” If what’s happened already wasn’t telling enough. Evan sighs, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “Look, can’t we just at least get a story straight about how you guys met? Or.. like. What we would do together?”

“Why does any of that _matter_?” 

“She made it pretty clear to me that she wants to talk to you..” 

Connor groans, rubbing aggravatedly at one of his eyes. “Jesus Christ.” 

“Just, like, _one_ dinner with her, probably. It’s.. it won’t be that bad. She’s nice, and..” Evan shrugs. “I don’t see why she’d want to talk any more, after that. She probably just wants to _meet_ you, at the very least..” 

Connor doesn’t pull his hand from his face. “Why wasn’t it enough for just _you_ to be friends with him?” 

But when Evan doesn’t respond right away, Connor glances up to look at him again, raising a brow. A non-verbal ‘well?’.

And. It was a good question. A valid one. 

“I.. we didn’t, really.. um..” Evan shakes himself, eyes flickering to the carpet. “We were more, uh. Family friends, than anything?”

“The fuck does that mean?” 

Evan winces at his tone. “We’re friends. Because of our families.” He’s pretty sure that’s supposed to be sarcastic. Connor doesn’t seem to notice or care either way. 

“Oookay. I take it that means you weren’t close, or something?”

“I mean..” Evan shrugs again. “I’m pretty sure I was his only friend. So.” 

“That’s not what I asked.” 

Jesus, this was gonna be a long night. 

Evan shakes his head, frustrated. “We used to be _closer_ , but. I don’t know. Things got weird these last couple years, we didn’t talk as much.” 

To that, Connor says nothing. Just sort of gives Evan a look that, maybe if they’d known each other longer, Evan would understand what it meant, but. He doesn’t, at least not right now. 

“It wouldn’t make his mom feel worse to know that he had two friends instead of one. That’s - that’s all.” 

Connor hesitates, before muttering, “Sure.” 

They sit in silence for a second, before Connor sighs and adjusts himself so he’s sitting cross-legged in the chair. “Okay, maybe as a start, you should tell me more about him, other than that he was kind of a dick.”

— 

“..Did you hear me?” 

Evan blinks hard, the picture on the TV refocusing. “No, sorry,” he groggily rubs at his eyes. He hates that he’s awake this early on a Saturday, but he really just hasn’t been able to sleep right lately. On the bright side, when he was up this early he got to at least see his mom before she left for work. “What did you say?” 

When he glances over, she has her phone tilted a little towards him, so he can see the screen. “They wrote an article about the memorial they had for Jared.” When he glances over, she quietly adds, “It was on Facebook.” 

Evan looks at the screen - his eyes skim over the words fruitlessly because he’s way too exhausted to, like, process what they really say. But he easily recognizes the picture at the top of the article as being the framed picture of Jared with the candles and the flowers surrounding it. 

“Oh,” Evan says quietly, for a lack of anything else. 

—

The typical go-to for someone who didn’t know Jared was to refer to the fact that he was funny. 

Funny. Sarcastic. He always said dumb stuff, it made people laugh. 

Evan has heard that so much over the past few weeks. 

And like, he gets it, he does. It’s not wrong, really. Jared wasn’t as closed off as Evan was, not at all, so while he didn’t have a bunch of friends, he wasn’t socially inept to the point that he couldn’t talk to people. He probably had a fair amount of acquaintances, he probably talked to them in whatever classes they had together. 

He was snarky, he made jokes. That was his thing. 

The difference between everyone else and Evan was that Evan knew - or at least _figured_ \- that the humor was something Jared hid behind. 

It was easier for him to joke about shit then it was to actually _address_ it, he’d rather break the tension by saying something dumb than by doing nothing at all. Evan had learned this about him over the more-than-a-decade friendship-not-friendship they had together. Jared’s inherent need to make quips was comparable to any of the weird nervous ticks that Evan had (the ones he’d made fun of, namely).

Separate from all of that, Evan didn’t think that he was funny. Most of the things Jared said were either cruel or cringeworthy, but. Maybe that was a personal preference. Who was he to try to dispute a key part of Jared’s character. 

…

The thing was, though. 

With people calling him funny. 

Evan.. really had no idea that Jared felt the way that he did. And it seems like his mom didn’t know, either. No one had a clue. It’s not like there was a note left or any other sign of him having some sort of downward spiral, other than that first day of school that Evan has more or less repressed by now. Nothing. One day he was fine, one day he wasn’t, at least outwardly so or in the eyes of anyone else. 

So who knows how long he felt like that? Did it start in the summer? Last year? Has this been an ongoing thing getting worse and worse unbeknownst to anyone? 

How long was he hiding behind his humor? 

When people call him funny, now, the only thing Evan can think of is that being Jared’s facade. He can only imagine him hurting underneath it but nobody knowing. Evan thought before that he’d been hiding just the fact that he was lonely, but clearly it was way more, way _worse_ than that. 

He’s glad that people are talking about Jared, he’s glad that they went to the vigil and that there are discussions happening on Twitter about mental illness and, as shitty of an attempt it is, that their school is trying to invoke some sort of change. It’s great. But it still makes him feel sick to know that Jared is only getting remembered by something that wasn’t even real, wasn’t anything more than a guise to hide that he was going through something. 

If you asked how Evan remembered Jared, he definitely wouldn’t say _funny,_ but.. he’s not sure he would have any sort of answer at all. 

— 

Dinner with Jared’s mom and Connor goes fine.

That’s not to say that Evan doesn’t still feel like shit afterwards. 

Connor doesn’t say anything to him until they’ve both gotten back into his car, Evan slinking into the passenger seat and Connor plopping into the driver’s seat with an almost conflicted sounding sigh as he shuts the door, turning himself to face Evan rather than buckling his seatbelt. “So _that’s_ what you meant by ‘you just talk sometimes’.” 

Evan’s face burns in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry.” 

“I mean, it’s _fine_ ,” Connor says, breathing out an awkward huff of laughter. “I just. For someone who said they weren’t good at winging it, you sure did add a bunch of shit into the story.”

“I really wasn’t _trying_ to, I just..” Evan knows that Connor isn’t mad (or seemingly even that annoyed) at him, but he’s pretty sure the Bad feelings are from something just separate from Connor entirely. He fists his good hand into his shirt and stares at the car mat under his feet. “I don’t know. I don’t know why I said any of that.” 

“She believed it, I guess that’s all that matters,” Connor says with a shrug, turning back in his seat and starting the car. When Evan doesn’t respond, even after Connor’s buckled his seatbelt and started to eye the rearview mirror to back out of the driveway, he scoffs. “Dude. It’s fine.” 

“Okay,” Evan relents, even though he knows that it’s really, probably not.

— 

His Twitter feed is starting to go back to normal. 

Which is to be expected - it’s been a couple weeks since Jared died, and even with Alana’s wonderful intentions, he was still sort of a nobody, and no grand gesture would be enough to keep his name up in the air forever. Evan was honestly pretty surprised people cared for him for as long as they did. 

He hears a quiet hum, and his gaze snaps up from his laptop. 

Jared is standing in the middle of his bedroom, arms crossed, facing the window. 

“People are really starting to forget about me already, huh.” His voice sounds flat, and despite his words he doesn’t sound particularly bothered. It’s not inflected like a question.

Regardless. Way to point out the obvious. It’s not like Evan was just thinking about that. 

“I know,” he answers instead. (Not that it matters if he answers audibly or not, either.) 

“Hm.” Jared frowns, and after a few seconds he turns his head to look at Evan. Gives him a one-over. “Honestly? I’m surprised that you haven’t, too.” 

“What? Forgotten about you?” 

“Mhm.” 

Evan scoffs, rolling his eyes and glancing back down at his computer. “You were my only friend, of course I haven’t forgotten about you yet.” 

“‘Yet’?” 

Evan freezes, and then shakes his head. “I - you knew what I meant.” After a moment, he adds, “Even if I wanted to, I probably couldn’t forget about you.”

“Oh, you clearly _want_ to,” Jared replies, and Evan can hear the stupid smile in his voice. 

Evan chooses to ignore him, so Jared moves back to what he said before. “And you have a new friend now. Connor Murphy. Emo-sad-stoner boy extraordinaire.” 

“He’s not that bad,” Evan grumbles. “And besides, I’m not sure that we’re really friends. He just.. agreed to talk to me so I could hold up on what I said about you guys being friends. And because it’d make _his_ life easier to say that he has a friend.” 

“Huh. Imagine that.” 

Again, Evan says nothing. Refreshes his Twitter feed again. It’s late, so there are obviously no new posts since the last time he refreshed it, like, four minutes ago. 

“If you _do_ want to forget me, though, you’re doing a _preeeetty_ shitty job at trying,” Jared continues. “What with what you told my mom a couple days ago. Digging yourself into a bigger hole seems to be your thing, though, so am I surprised? Not really.” 

“Can you just—” Evan looks up to tell Jared to go away, but before he can Jared is already gone. 

—

“I don’t even know where to begin,” Jared’s mom says with a humorless little laugh. 

Evan doesn’t really know, either. While Jared’s bedroom isn’t _huge,_ there still is quite a bunch of stuff in it. 

“Knowing him,” she continues, kneeling down to pick up a discarded shirt from the floor. “He’d probably _want_ me to get rid of everything, because it’s not like he’s here to use it.” That does sound like something Jared would say. “But..” 

She pauses, and when Evan looks over she’s sort of gently balling up the shirt, brows knitted together. 

“It feels wrong just to.. get rid of everything. I don’t know.” She says it quietly, like that’s something that’d be controversial. 

“I - no, that makes sense,” Evan tries to reassure her, brushing off some of the dust on Jared’s nightstand with his hand. 

He’s pretty sure nobody’s been in here since the first week of school. 

Again, Evan doesn’t blame his mom for that even a little bit. If he thought being in their living room was intrusive, that didn’t come anywhere close to what it felt like to be in Jared’s room. Separate from the fact that Evan hadn’t been in here in years, the room was like.. very much in a state that showed someone was living in it (minus the dust in some places). Which, duh, of course someone was living in it, it was Jared’s _bedroom,_ but.. there was something about seeing his clothes on the floor and cups on his desk and his laptop plugged in to charge by the outlet under the window and his bed unmade that made it feel all the more unsettling knowing that the person who lived here was gone. Indefinitely.

It’s.. unsettling, and depressing, and that’s only saying the very least. Jared’s mom turns the lamp on that’s sitting on his dresser, and the only thing it changes is that Evan can see more of the room, which he isn’t sure he wants right now. 

It’s not painfully and torturously awkward, but Evan still feels a little clammy as he helps Ms. Kleinman start to pick the room apart - starting with trying to clean up a bit. He’s not sure if it’s just the nature of what they’re doing, or how his mind is still stuck on how dinner a couple of nights ago with Connor went, or just his normal routine anxiety, but. He’s uncomfortable. Maybe that isn’t saying too much, though. 

About twenty minutes of mostly quiet between them passes. Eventually Jared’s mom clears her throat, and Evan glances over from where he’s currently trying to discern what is and isn’t trash on Jared’s desk. 

“You know,” she sets the laundry basket she was holding down onto the floor by the foot of the bed, offering Evan a small smile. “I might’ve already said this, but I’m glad Jared at least had you and Connor to talk to. Maybe not so much these past couple of months, obviously, all three of you have been so busy this summer, but..” She shrugs, looking at the clothes in the basket. “It makes me feel a little better knowing that he hadn’t been going through this all completely alone. That was kind of.. It was one of the things I’d been worrying about the most.” 

At this point, he’s not at all a stranger to the constant feeling of guilt that resurfaces every time he talks to Jared’s mom, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hit him like a truck everytime. 

“Yeah. I just wish he would’ve - that he would have talked to us, before he..” Evan tries to say, tries to direct the conversation elsewhere before he realizes that there isn’t really a _good_ place for it to go - either he’s lying, or he’s being met with the fact that Jared is dead again. No inbetween, and with possible overlap. 

“I know, me too,” She says with a sad smile. “But I’m not.. I don’t think it’s going to get any easier to, just. Keep wishing that things were different.” 

Evan is glad that he’d since looked away from her and had his face turned towards the desk, just so she wouldn’t think he was about to have a stroke by how hard he suddenly squeezed his eyes shut. “Yeah, you’re. You’re probably right.”

— 

“Evan?” 

He’s been jumpier lately - Connor said it’s because he’s rubbing off on him or something, though Evan is pretty sure it’s more because of.. y’know, recent events - but it’s still embarrassing when he meets Zoe Murphy’s eyes to see that she looks as equally startled as he does when all she did was gently say his name. 

“I - _hi_ , hey. Sorry.” And then, belatedly, “What’s up?” 

She.. blinks, following his gaze to where he’d been looking before - it was at the cove (Jared’s memorial was taken down, like, almost a week and a half ago, now, but when Evan is standing outside the school he still always finds himself looking). And then she looks back at him, expression almost cautious. 

“Um, not much.” A pause - she sort of furrows her brow, crossing her arms uncomfortably over her chest. “I just - is my brother, like, blackmailing you, or something?” 

The question throws him so off guard that he almost forgets about the nerves lodged into his throat at the concept of Zoe talking to him. “What?” 

“Is something going on, is he threatening you? I know he pushed you in the hallway a couple of weeks ago, but now you guys are _friends_..?” 

Evan sort of stammers over himself for a second - mostly out of confusion - before he shakes his head. “No! No, it’s - no. I mean, yes we’re good. He’s not.. _threatening_ me, or anything.” She’s still giving him that disbelieving, somewhat concerned look. “He - the hallway thing was a misunderstanding.” 

And still, she doesn’t look convinced.

Honestly, it’s kind of ironic that out of him and Connor, Evan was probably the one being more, like.. morally dubious. He wasn’t blackmailing Connor, but he’s sure that fabricating a friendship to lie to a grieving woman about her son didn’t fall far from that. 

“Why would he be blackmailing me?” 

“I mean.. I don’t know,” she admits, still scanning Evan sort of critically. “You always look so nervous when he’s around you..” 

Before Evan can try and figure out how exactly to tell Zoe that him being nervous is just his regular state of being, he glances over her shoulder at the front doors of the school to see Connor walking out, immediately looking at the two of them and freezing. 

Well. He’s sure the look on his face is totally helping his case right now. Zoe blinks and glances over her shoulder too, and by the time she does, Connor is striding over towards them, a deep frown on his face and his shoulders raised. 

“Is something wrong?” He says this mostly to Zoe, very pointedly, which gives off the impression that there’s.. something unsaid going on that Evan isn’t aware of. He politely looks away from the two of them, but he can hear them glowering at each other through their silence. 

“No,” Zoe eventually replies sharply, turning on her heel. “See you at home.” 

She strides off, and Evan watches her go with an uneasy sigh. What is going _on?_

Carefully, Evan looks away and to Connor, who had also been staring off as Zoe walked away from them. He had.. a weird expression on his face - angry, but. A touch of Something Else. 

Connor catches him looking. The Something Else is gone and he just looks pissed off. “ _What?”_

“Nothing,” Evan says quickly, shaking his head. “We weren’t— she was just asking—”

“Whatever, okay, it doesn’t matter,” Connor shakes his head, readjusting his bag on his shoulder and brushing past Evan. When he doesn’t follow right away, Connor sighs, throwing a frustrated glare over his shoulder. “Do you want a fucking ride home or not?” 

Evan just nods, following behind.

At the very least, he’s learned by now not to take how Connor spoke to him too personally. Whether or not that’s progress or just the fact that Evan’s mind is on other things, he doesn’t know. 

—

“Hi Connor! Hi Evan!” 

They both glance up from what they were doing - scribbling in a notebook and scrolling mindlessly through Twitter, respectively - to see Alana standing at their table, chipper as ever. 

“Hey?” Evan hadn’t meant for it to come off as a question, and he kicked himself for the inflection at the end. Connor kind of just looks at her, and then at Evan, and then resumes whatever he was doing in the notebook. 

She at least doesn’t seem discouraged by either of their reactions, which is probably more than Evan could’ve asked for. He cleared his throat and put on a trying grin. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something, actually,” she said, pulling one of the empty chairs from the table and sitting down. Evan doesn’t miss the just barely there harsh exhale from Connor, but he ignores it.

“Oh, uh. Sure.” He sets his phone down on the table and sort of straightens. 

She gets right into it, which Evan only appreciates because build-up only makes him more anxious. “So, for a while now, I’ve had this idea for a club,” She shifts so she can pull her backpack onto her lap, unzipping it and pulling out a folder. “But I didn’t want to bring it to administration until I had a clear plan set in place for it and had it thoroughly planned out, you know? And I’m sure you know how busy junior year is, SATs and ACTs and typically your most difficult classes, so I didn’t really have time to devote as much attention to it as it would’ve deserved. So I held back on it.” 

Alana’s talking very fast - not that Evan was actually trying to get a word in or anything. He continues to nod along.

She sets the folder down on the table and opens it. Upon glancing at it, there are several papers inside, but the two on top that Evan can see is a filled out form, and a typed long-winded letter that he thinks is a teacher recommendation note of some sort. 

“But, in wake of everything that’s going on,” her voice softens, just a tad. “I figured now would be the best time to start something like this up.” 

Pulling out the paper, she turns it around and slides it across the table towards Evan. 

He looks from it to Alana, whose eyes are almost expectantly saying ‘go ahead’.

The boldface title of the page indicates itself to be a new student organization/club application. Okay.

Gingerly, he picks the paper off of the table, eyes skimming over it. Every section is filled out except for the very top - the club name, the spot where their superintendent or principal would probably initial - and the very bottom - four boxes and several lines for student contact information, the first two being labeled with ‘president’ and ‘vice president’. 

He reads the sections that are filled out.

_Explain the purpose of the proposed club/activity/sport as you would like to see it presented (via the student handbook and school website)._

_A student-led organization to both raise awareness and address the stigma in regards to mental illness, as well as provide a safe place for students to have open discussions about otherwise uncomfortable topics of anxiety, depression, etc. _

_How is this group unique from any currently existing clubs/organizations?_

_I n addition to it being a place for students to talk about topics that are otherwise not typically discussed, there would also be an online aspect to it (given that not everyone is comfortable having these discussions in public, or even with a single person face-to-face) in which 1.) online self-help resources are available, 2.) students can discuss sensitive topics online rather than in person, and 3.) a platform is available and present to remind students that they matter and are not alone in what they may be feeling. It would most likely be ran as a blog or on a widely used social media site with 2-3 moderators. _

_How will this group benefit our school and/or our community?_

_It will provide a sense of unity and relatability given that the group is also ran by students. It will also clear the air and perhaps destigmatize how mental illness is thought of, and has the potential of helping students who feel like they don’t belong or are otherwise struggling._

“I know my handwriting is kind of terrible,” Alana speaks up, laughing a little nervously. (It’s not too bad. It kind of looks like Evan’s, actually.) 

And in any case, Alana’s handwriting isn’t at all what has Evan’s brain buffering in the way that it was. 

“I.. wow,” he eventually says, dumbly, gently setting the paper back down. 

It’s.. a lot. 

And he belatedly connects what she meant earlier, by ‘recent events’, and he feels almost a little seasick despite sitting completely still. 

“If it’s something that actually gets approved, I also wanted to set up a sort of after-school assembly for it. For recruitment reasons, sure, but also to have a more respectful conversation about everything than, um. What was said at the in-school assembly a couple weeks ago.” 

Oh, right. They did talk about that. 

Evan is still trying to catch up with everything that’s going on - to an extent that Connor is now looking over at him, a crease between his brows. Evan’s throat feels dry. He picks up the paper again and hands it back to Alana. 

“Like I said earlier, I.. really wanted to set this up _now,_ especially with what happened with Jared,” she continues, carefully placing the paper on top of the folder and smoothing it out despite there not being any creases in it. “I was thinking about making it in his name, but I feel like that might’ve been too cliche. I’m open to suggestions, as you can see that I haven’t even given it a placeholder name or anything.” 

She stops talking after that, looking at Evan expectantly again, and he realizes that he’s supposed to say something, now. Other than the fact that she was considering this now because of what happened to Jared, Evan had yet to figure out why she was coming to _him,_ of all people, for this. Was that the only reason?

“Well.. I mean, I think it - it’s a really cool idea, to put something like that together,” he manages. “There’s nothing else like it, and it’s for a nice cause, so I don’t see why they’d turn it down.”

“You think?” Alana asks, eyes brightening a bit. 

“Yeah, for sure.” 

“I’m glad you think so!” She beams a little, and Evan matches her grin, at least until what she says next: “Which brings me to what I wanted to ask you - would you like to be a part of it?” 

Evan freezes, and out of his peripherals he can see that Connor is also still watching him. 

“I - like, if I want to join the club?”

Alana shakes her head, tapping near the bottom of the paper. “No no, I meant like, as a representative?” 

Evan opens his mouth, and then closes it. 

Him? _Really?_

Of all people? 

Was that one conversation in the cove enough for Alana to trust him _that_ much? He didn’t get it, there’s no way that made _any_ sense. 

“Uh,” Evan blinks, and again upon looking over Connor’s eyes are _still_ on him. He hasn’t said anything this whole time, and Evan almost wishes that he would, because it’s hard enough having one person talking at him, but having one person talking at him but two sets of eyes and all the attention on him too only proves to only make him feel even more nauseous. “Why are you asking me?” 

Her smile wavers for a split second but she keeps it up, almost like it faltering had been a momentary glitch. “I just figured that out of anyone, you’d relate to this club, what it means. Considering you’ve been directly impacted by inaction in terms of mental illness..”

Jared dying without a trace. 

No note, no signs that he was getting worse. No one to talk to him about it, presumably. 

Right. Maybe Alana asking him _did_ make sense, but at the same time, Evan wasn’t sure what to make of this offer at _all_. 

A part of him was vehemently against it. He was already lying to Jared’s mom - if being a part of this club meant disclosing his experiences with Jared, then he’d be lying to even _more_ people. And even if not, Evan wasn’t sure what he could contribute otherwise. 

He absolutely couldn’t talk about himself there, his problems. That was just.. it was off the table. 

“I’m not sure..” Evan trails off, quietly. 

Alana’s smile does wilt this time, and she nods. “Well, I know it’s a lot, and it’s totally okay if you don’t want to, I just wanted to ask you first. I think you’d be a really good rep.” She carefully tucks the folder back into her bag, and with perfect timing, the bell rings. 

Zipping up her backpack and swinging it back over her shoulder, she offers Evan another tight grin. “But please think about it, okay? I’m going to turn in the application by the end of the week, so an answer before then would be great.” And then she turns on her heel and disappears into the crowd of students. 

Looks like he had some soul searching to do.

— 

_“So, are you gonna do it?”_

“I don’t know,” Evan groans, dropping his head back only for it to hit the headboard with a quiet ‘thunk’. The Connor on his laptop screen stares back at him, skeptical. 

_“I mean, you probably can guess what I’m going to say about it.”_

“That I shouldn’t do it?” 

_“That you shouldn’t do it.”_ He shakes his head, scoffing. _“I just don’t think it’s going to help your case.”_

“What case?” 

_“Just, your whole, like - fucking situation right now. With Jared.”_

“..I don’t understand,” Evan mumbles, furrowing his brow, and Connor sighs in frustration, pushing his hair out of his face. 

_“You’re just being, like.. so_ weird _about him. I don’t know how to describe it.”_ When Evan doesn’t reply, he continues. _“You won’t really talk to me about it, you said you don’t really talk to your mom about it, but you’re not only fine with talking about it to his_ mom _, but you’re adding a bunch of weird white lies into it.”_

Evan winces, but still says nothing. 

_“And from what I do know about the guy, he was kind of a fuckin’ dick to you. You guys weren’t close. What did you call it, you guys were like, ‘family friends’? So I don’t understand why you’re doing literally_ any _of this for him. Still.”_

_I don’t either_ , Evan thinks, but he just shakes his head. “Just because we drifted apart these last few years doesn’t mean I don’t still care about him,” he refutes weakly. 

_“Cool, that barely explains anything.”_

Evan wipes a hand over his face. “I don’t know what else to tell you, Connor. That’s just - that’s where I’m at right now.” 

That’s as close of a ‘I’m grieving’ card he felt comfortable pulling. Regardless of if it worked, Connor just rolls his eyes, muttering something that sounded like ‘whatever’. 

Swallowing thickly, Evan shakes his head. “And _anyway,_ joining the club wouldn’t - it’s not a club _just_ for Jared? So I don’t see what the harm would be in helping out. Not everything I hear about depression or whatever is going to remind me of him, y’know?” 

“ _It’s a club to make sure a situation like Jared doesn’t happen again,”_ Connor responds flatly. _“And Alana made it pretty clear that she_ wants _you to talk about Jared in that space. So. I don’t know. If your goal is to, like, never move on, then joining her club seems like a good step.”_

Evan bites his lip, eyes flickering down to the keyboard. “I’m gonna keep thinking about it.” 

_“You do you.”_

— 

_@ev.hansen_ _[11:52pm]_

so uh

what would my responsibilities be if i joined the club?

(also does it have a name yet)

_@Alana_Beck_ _[11:54pm]_

At the very least, making posts to the blog and being active in discussions. We’d probably also have a gathering each week, since it /is/ a club, after all. Depending on what specific role you get/want, that could also involve smaller things like taking attendance or helping set up for meetings. Nothing too huge. 

(And no, not yet :( I’m still really blanking on that.) 

_@ev.hansen_ _[12:08am]_

ok i

i think i want to do it

_@Alana_Beck_ _[12:10am]_

Yay!

I’ll bring you the sheet to sign tomorrow - I already know who the other two reps are gonna be, so after you sign I can turn the application in to administration. 

_@Alana_Beck_ _[12:13am]_

I’m so excited!! I hope you are too!! :D

— 

Ms. Kleinman, of course, responds well to everything. The club, the site, the assembly. 

“When is it?” She asks him, and Evan almost doesn’t hear her because he had been looking at the folded up cardboard boxes sitting on the dining room table. He immediately glances up and shakes himself, clearing his throat. 

“Friday, around 3pm. Right after school ends, basically.” It’s still crazy they were able to get permission to use the auditorium so quickly after getting the club itself approved, like, a little over a week ago. It almost makes Evan think Alana pulled some strings or something. 

“Got it. I’ll be there.” She had been straightening mail on the counter, but now she turns to face him, lingering in the doorway and giving him a tired smile. “Is your mom coming?” 

“Oh. No, she has to work.” 

She doesn’t, and that was him acting on his feet. 

Though he doesn’t really regret saying it, because he’s not sure he wants to explain _any_ of what’s going on to his mom. Still doesn’t make the lie feel any better.

“Ah, damn.” She shakes her head. “Still, I’m sure it’s gonna go great. I look forward to it.” 

“Yeah, me too,” Evan replies, trying to match her grin. 

—

“You want me to write a speech?” 

_“Sorry it’s so last minute, I thought I told you,”_ Alana says, genuinely looking sympathetic. _“It doesn’t have to be super long or anything - just what the group’s message means to you.”_ A pause, and then the inevitable, “ _And maybe, if you’re up to it, you could talk about Jared..”_

Evan lets out a sigh, but it kind of sounds strangled. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I’m not— public speaking isn’t really—”

_“You’ll do great! And besides, I can assure you that people would want to hear from you. You’re the only one who really knew Jared like that, y’know? Nobody else can really say that.”_

God. That kind of feels like a punch to the gut. If Alana sees him wince, she at least doesn’t say anything. 

“Okay..” He relents, and despite how obviously begrudging he sounds, Alana still lights up. 

_“Okay, cool, awesome! And if you want me to look it over or anything before Friday, just send it my way._ ” Before he can say something else, Alana continues to talk over him. _“But I should hop off here, I have a ton of homework and then I need to text a couple of people to make sure they’re still on board with helping out on Friday with set-up and everything. I’ll talk to you later, Evan!”_

The window closes before he can say bye back. 

For a moment, he almost considers calling Connor, but he’s figured that the other boy has heard enough of him lamenting about the bullshit that he pulled himself into. He could tell him the unfortunate tale of now having to write a speech and hear another ‘I told you so’ tomorrow. 

Sighing through his nose, he double clicks the icon for Microsoft Word. What is he even supposed to _say?_ He feels like anything he would have to talk about would be the opposite morale of what they’re supposed to be advocating for. 

How is he supposed to be hopeful or encouraging when all he’s felt has been numb and awkward and _wrong_ for weeks?

_Lie,_ his brain taunts, the obvious and simple solution, and now it’s all fucking full circle, isn’t it?

He forgets that Word opens the last document you were working on, and also forgets that he hasn’t opened Word in a while,

_Dear Evan Hansen, it turns out that today wasn’t an amazing day after all.._

and then promptly slams his laptop shut. 

—

Current progress on Jared’s room: all the clothes that were on the ground were gone, as was everything that was once on his desk. Some of the posters on his walls have since been taken down, little spots of white left where the tape peeled off the paint. The curtains were also gone, which, like, Evan hadn’t realized how much the curtains added to the room until they weren’t there, and now there’s way too much light flitting into the room and the wall by the window just feels extremely bare. 

It’s starting to lose the familiarity of being _Jared’s_ room, which. Evan doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not. 

The closet hasn’t been touched at all, likely for good reason. There was a lot of shit stowed in there, Jared’s mom probably wanted to save that for last or something. 

The bed has been made. 

Evan doesn’t say anything about it, but he must make some sort of face or vague expression, because his mom smiles sadly at it and then looks away. “His sister stopped by a few nights ago. She stayed in here.” Oh.

The thought makes something in his chest ache, and he says nothing in response in efforts to discourage that conversation from continuing. 

Evan was working on trying to figure out how the hell to begin with dismantling the desk (of course pre-teen Jared _had_ to pick out a desk that was too wide to fit through the door without taking the whole damn thing apart) when he heard Ms. Kleinman’s phone ring. 

She pauses from placing clothes into one of the big cardboard boxes to grab her phone from where it was sitting on the edge of Jared’s bed, checking the caller ID and frowning. “Shit, I’ll be right back.” 

She stands up and goes downstairs, and after very faintly hearing her go ‘Hello, this is Deanna?’, Evan hears a door which he’s pretty sure is their back door open and close. Whatever else she’s saying, he doesn’t catch. 

Sighing, he pulls himself to his feet and cautiously sits down on the edge of Jared’s bed (and that’s discomforting enough - the idea of _sleeping_ here actually makes so much in him feel.. _bad_ ), just taking a moment to recoup. 

Maybe Connor was right in saying that offering to help with this was also a bad idea. However, Evan had offered this _so_ long ago, on a whim, without really thinking, and also before he was aware of just how mentally _exhausting_ any of this would be. 

And.. even still, he feels like he doesn’t even have the right to think that. 

It’s hard, everything about this is _hard,_ but it’s only like this because Evan made it like this. It didn’t have to be. He didn’t have to lie, he didn’t have to offer to help with Jared’s room, he didn’t have to join Alana’s club. All the things that were weighing heavy on him right now were completely self-inflicted. So he shouldn’t complain. He has no right to.

Right? 

A mewl from the doorway makes Evan jump, and when he glances up from his lap he sees Duck - Jared’s cat - trotting up towards the bed. The tension in Evan loosens, just a little.

“Hi there,” He hadn’t seen her at all since he’d started being in Jared’s house again, which was.. probably weird in and of itself, considering that he’s been over here half a dozen times over the course of the past few weeks. She hops up onto the bed, and after sniffing Evan’s outreached hand, butts her head into his palm. 

When they were a little younger and before things were weird, Evan remembered lightly goading Jared over the fact that despite being so snarky and crude, he babied the _hell_ out of his cat. And Jared also, like, not giving a shit, because apparently that was the one and only thing he would proudly be effeminate over. 

Evan didn’t actually tease him too much, though, because seeing Jared go from making weird offputting jokes to scooping up Duck and talking to her in at least an octave higher was both kind of funny and actually pretty adorable. 

And on some level, maybe Evan thought he was seeing a side of Jared really no one else saw, too, and thus it was also special in that regard. 

She purrs loudly, nuzzling back into his hand every time he stops scratching behind her ears. 

Evan continues to pet her somewhat mindlessly for a few moments, before his brain catches up with him and offers the thought that ‘ _hm, y’know, she’s probably still waiting for Jared to get back_ ’. 

Which. 

God. What the fuck. _Why_ did he have to think that? 

He had abruptly stopped petting her, and after a moment Duck stood back up and walked up the bed until she was on one of Jared’s pillows. She flops down onto it, and from here Evan can still hear her purring, albeit much quieter.

Maybe that’s also part of the reason why they keep his bed made. 

—

Evan decided to write out his speech instead of type it. 

Y’know. For no particular reason.

Anyway. 

He starts over several times, going through way more notecards than was probably necessary, but eventually he has.. at least _something_ decent to work with. 

He feels like it’s too dry, but he’s just so tired of rewriting the same story over and over again. It’s only proved to make him feel guiltier each time. 

“Get a load of this guy.” 

Evan flicks his gaze up to look at Jared, who’s standing in the middle of his room again, arms crossed, looking mildly unimpressed. And then just as quickly Evan is looking down at the notecards again, because. He really, truly, does not want to hear it. 

It doesn’t seem like he has much of a choice, though. “I can’t believe you’re going through with any of this.” 

Evan frowns, realizing the cards got out of order somehow, and tries to rework the order. “I have to.”

“You _have_ to?” 

“For the club. I don’t - Alana said me speaking during the assembly would be _important_ , so.. I have to.” He pauses in his shuffling, biting his lip. “If not for _you,_ then.. I don’t know. For her. She really wants this club thing to work.” 

“Gee, thanks,” Jared snorts. Evan doesn’t feel the bed dip down when Jared sits down next to him. 

“Plus, it’s too late to back out now, so.” 

“Right, no, of _course_ ,” Evan can hear the sarcasm clear as day, and he rolls his eyes. The words on the notecards are already starting to smudge a little. He should probably stop fucking with them before he makes them indecipherable before he even gets on the stage.

“It’s going to be a disaster, and you know it,” Jared continues. “You couldn’t even get that presentation about Daisy Buchanan in English last year right, how the hell are you gonna give a speech about our friendship that doesn’t exist in front of an auditorium full of people?” 

Evan swallows, shrugging. “I don’t think it’s going to be _full._ It’s not like, a mandatory assembly? So I doubt a lot of people are going to come.” 

“Alana isn’t a loser like you, she probably was able to spread the word.”

Evan turns to glare at him, but Jared looks unaffected. He keeps going. “And, like, do you not feel bad _at all_ about lying to my mom? Clearly not, because this is arguably so much worse.”

“Of _course_ I feel bad!” Evan shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “But she _needed_ it, okay? I didn’t mean for things to go this far, but I just wanted to - to - I don’t know, make her feel less bad that you didn’t talk to her!”

Jared glances down at the notecards in Evan’s hand as if he’s reading them. Not that he has to read them to know what they say. 

And when he looks up, he looks bored. “And this relates to you lying to a massive group of people, how?” 

“I—” Evan fumbles for words, but finds none. 

“And are you sure it’s my _mom_ who you’re doing this for?” He asks, a little quieter, and. 

Evan hears the chime from his laptop sitting further up the bed. Someone’s calling him. 

He drops the notecards and scrambles up to snatch his laptop, clicking ‘Accept’ as soon as it was in his lap. 

A few seconds later, his laptop screen darkens, because Connor always has such little light in his room. 

_“Hey, sorry I took so long,”_ he greets. There’s just enough light for Evan to see Connor roll his eyes. _“Got into a whole thing with my parents.”_

“It’s okay,” Evan says, almost sounding a little winded. 

_“You said that you wanted to read me your…”_ Connor trails off, blinking at him. Something in his expression changes. _“..um.. hey, are you good?”_

“Huh?” Evan’s heart starts to thud faster. Maybe Connor somehow knew that Evan was being fucking crazy, that he was being manipulative and weird and clinging onto Jared’s memory in a strange and awful way—

_“You look like shit,”_ Connor says flatly, yet somehow not unkindly. _“Did something happen?”_

“Nn..” Evan almost denies it, but he catches a glimpse of himself in the corner, where it shows his own display, and.

Yeah. He does. He kind of looks like shit. 

Still. He doesn’t think he’s at a point where he can tell Connor that he feels as much as he looks like shit, even if that much is obvious. (He says that like he’s ever gotten to that point with anyone, ever.) “I’m—no, I’m. I’m good.” 

Connor clearly doesn’t believe him. 

He frowns, awkwardly pushing his bangs out of his face. _“Uhh, do you.. should I call back later?”_

But Evan can work with that. “I. Yeah. Probably.” He’s choked up. Why is he choked up? 

_“Okay,”_ Connor at least doesn’t comment on it, even though the crease between his eyebrows is telling enough of whether or not he hears it. _“Talk to you later.”_

The window closes.

A shaky hand reaches out to shut his laptop, and after taking a deep breath, Evan glances up again. 

Jared is gone. 

And, like with most things pertaining to Jared recently, Evan doesn’t know how he feels about it. 

—

Today’s the day. 

School ends at 2:10, the assembly is _scheduled_ to start at 3, but Alana said with set-up it might be more like 3:15. 

So that means Evan has approximately an hour and some change to potentially reconsider. 

The auditorium isn’t as busy as he thought it’d be as they begin set-up - honestly, he probably overhyped this way in his mind. It wasn’t a super formal assembly really at all. It was basically just an informational meeting at best about the club, with his and Alana’s anecdotes as a little addition to it. 

If anything, maybe calling it a ‘speech’ was overly formal. 

...Which really only makes him more panicked, because then were people going to think it was weird that he was reading off of notecards? Or worse, were they going to think he was ingenuine if he had to read from note cards instead of just, knowing what he wanted to say? About the club and about Jared?

God. He _knew_ this would be a disaster, why is he still going through with it? 

“Evan?” 

Someone taps his shoulder and he jerks away from them, turning to look. 

Once again, it is Zoe. 

Although she looks startled too, this time her first instinct is to grin, sort of awkwardly at him. “You always do that.” 

Timidly, Evan returns it. “Well, you always catch me off guard, so..” 

“Sorry,” she says, and it does sound genuine despite the fact that she says it with a little laugh. 

He laughs a little too, before clearing his throat. “I - um. You’re kind of early? We aren’t starting for, like.. another hour or so..?” He’s honestly a little surprised that she’s here at all. Maybe Connor talked her into coming with him? (Though he hadn’t even really been expecting Connor to come, either.)

“I know. I just didn’t see the point in going home just to come back to the school, y’know?” She walks towards one of the rows of seats, slumping down in the second one from the end. Evan watches her, and after a minute, she pats the seat next to her, so he tentatively joins her. 

They’re quiet for a minute. Zoe was doing something with her bag, rifling through it or adjusting it on the floor next to her, and Evan didn’t want to seem weird by watching so he anxiously scratched along the sharpie marks still on his cast. 

“Uh, also. Sorry about that one day a couple weeks ago,” Zoe eventually says. “Outside, when I was asking about Connor. It’s..” She frowns. “Just.. with how he usually is, it’s really surprising that he actually has had friends this whole time? Which is—” She scoffs. “That probably sounds like a shitty thing to say, but.” 

Friends, plural? So Connor _has_ told his family that he was also friends with Jared? 

“Oh,” Evan says gently, for a lack of anything else, and also to give his brain a second to formulate something real to say. “Well, I mean. If Connor didn’t talk about us much, then that definitely, um - it definitely makes sense? Why you wouldn’t trust it? So I guess I can’t blame you?” 

“Why wouldn’t he want to talk about you guys?” 

“I,” Evan laughs, nervously. “I mean, I don’t know?” He almost says something about them not being close enough for it to maybe matter enough to Connor to mention, but that would be too much of a truth, and would surely bite him in the ass later. He shakes his head. “Maybe he just didn’t think it was a big enough deal to mention.” 

Zoe is still frowning, but she shrugs. “I guess.” She scuffs her sneaker against the floor. “My parents also didn’t think you guys existed when Connor brought you up. You and Jared. Because the idea of Connor having friends seemed _that_ crazy to them. So. Maybe that also had something to do with it.” 

Evan wants to say that there’s maybe, like. A hint of sympathy there. 

If this was all real, and that was the case, he wouldn’t blame Connor for withholding that information from his parents. From what he does know, it doesn’t seem like they have the strongest relationship to begin with. 

“Anyway,” Zoe continues, probably wanting to either move this conversation along or change the topic altogether. “My parents appreciate that he’s up to more than just smoking weed and brooding alone in his room, now.”

“Enough to let him drive again.”

“Yeah.” 

“I, uh.” Evan grins awkwardly, furrowing his brows. “I’m pretty sure he still smokes weed and broods alone in his room, though, he just. Has people to talk to about it with, now.” 

“If you couldn’t tell, the bar is set really low.” 

They laugh. It’s nice, despite the little tendril of guilt still swirling presently in the back of Evan’s mind. 

Someone walks past them with a mic, and they hop onto the stage - somebody else at the soundboard starts doing a sound check, the little _thunks_ of a finger hitting the top of the microphone reverberating throughout the auditorium. 

“Are you nervous?” Zoe asks, a little softer.

“Huh?” _Yes, constantly._ “About what?” 

“Aren’t you gonna be talking during the assembly?” She asks, nodding towards the stage, and Evan remembers the flashcards burning a hole in his back pocket. He swallows thickly and shrugs. 

“Oh. _Oh._ That. Um.” For some reason, he actually reaches behind him and produces the notecards, as if the fact that he has it written down makes it seem like he has himself more put together (it doesn’t). “I mean, yeah, I’m. I will be. Talking.” 

Zoe looks from him to the notecards - he sees it from his peripheral, because he suddenly can’t make himself look at her for the moment - before she tilts her head. “Oh, that’s - is that it? What you’re gonna say?” 

“Yeah, I.” He laughs, because maybe if he’s laughing at himself this whole thing won’t come off as being so pitiful. “I’m kind of bad at public speaking, so I just.. I wrote it down. So I’d know what to say,” and then as an afterthought that he didn’t really _mean_ to include, “But it’s. It’s not really the best, but.. I don’t know.” 

“Can I read it?” 

That nearly knocks the wind out of him, leaving him blinking wide-eyed at her. _Huh?_ “I - what?” 

“Can I read it?” She repeats, turning in the chair so she’s facing him. “I’m sure it’s not that bad, y’know.” 

He doesn’t really _want_ her to, but he doesn’t want to tell her no more than he doesn’t want her to read it, so. “I mean, sure..” 

Very hesitantly he hands her the notecards, and then immediately keeps his eyes fixated on his lap, not wanting to see any faces she makes when reading the smudged, probably almost unreadable words. That doesn’t completely work, though, as at one point he hears her flip one card, then pause, and then shuffle through them definitely before she could’ve been done reading the card she was on, and _fuck_ they were in the wrong order weren’t they, that’s embarrassing, so now on top of it already being bad it’s also going to seem confusing, and fuck maybe the disorganization and the poorly written words are going to piece together something and Zoe’s going to find out that he’s a fraud, and god again this was such a _bad_ idea _why_ was he _here_ —

“Hey, no, that’s actually so sweet,” Zoe says, a weird sort of soft spoken inflection there, and Evan risks looking up at her. She’s smiling, like, _actually_ smiling at him, and. Oh. Hm. His heart does something funny and he looks down again. “You’re being way too hard on yourself, it’s not bad at _all._ ” 

“Oh, I. Thank you?” 

She gingerly hands him back the notecards. 

“He.. clearly, he meant a lot to you. Jared.” It’s sad, but she’s still smiling. “I really think it’s important for everyone to hear this.” 

The tendrail of guilt tightens around him. 

“You.. you think?” 

“Definitely.” She shakes her head. “Especially because, like.. nobody really knew him, but clearly you did? If he meant this much to you, he had to have been a good guy, and.. people should know that.” 

It’s enough that it should suffocate him. 

But he’s just left blinking at her, and then blinking at the notecards. 

She just.. believed into all of that. So easily. 

And it leaves such a bitter, awful taste in his mouth, it makes his stomach turn, because it’s not like he wasn’t already aware of how wrong all of this was, but this was just an unpleasant wake up call that nothing about these stories were outlandish enough for people to be able to properly call him out on his bullshit. It’s believable. It’s manipulative and terrible and _wrong_ and _lies, everything_ was just _lies_. 

Deep down, he thinks he wants someone to catch on. To stand up and tell everyone that the last time that he talked to Jared besides the first day of school had been sometime at the beginning of _June,_ over texts, and it was a conversation that Jared started, and that ultimately Evan ended by not replying. 

Someone to tell everyone that not only was Evan lying, but the half-assed friendship that did - _had_ \- existed between them wasn’t just broken and weird because of Jared’s input into it. That it was equally Evan’s fault. 

Tell everyone that if the situation was flipped, Jared wouldn’t give a shit about Evan, and that truly, even in this situation, Evan doesn’t have rhyme or reason to give a shit about him. Not really. 

He doesn’t have the right to claim being anything more than a distant acquaintance kept at an arm’s length away from Jared. And that he was that completely passively.

“Are you alright?” 

He blinks, hard. Zoe is staring at him, concerned, and perhaps with a trace of _guilt_ now which. Isn’t that hilarious. “I didn’t mean to, um. To upset you, by talking about it…” 

“I - no! It’s okay, don’t worry,” He’s been upset for a while, but God knew about what. “Thank you. For reading it. I hope it, um. I hope it comes across just as well.” 

The corner of her mouth turns up, tentatively, her eyes still pitying. “I’m sure it will.”

The sentiment only fills him with sick guilt as he edges closer and closer to the point of no return. 

—

What’s the other option here? What’s going to happen if he tells Alana that he can’t do this and he leaves?

He’ll go home.

Everyone will forget about Jared. 

And his brain is at fucking war with itself, because that really, _truly_ does not seem like the worst possible outcome right now. 

He would like to believe that if he could, forgetting Jared would be the easiest thing for him. And that’s selfish, right? To imply that Jared’s death has taken a toll on Evan at all? Evan didn’t know him well enough to be able to claim that he was griefstrucken (if that’s even what this was, if what Evan was feeling was _grief._ ) 

He remembers Jared’s mom. 

And, like.. if none of this was happening? With Evan feeding her bullshit?

She probably would be just fine. 

Or _as_ fine as she could be, given the fate of her son. 

These lies were just a comfort blanket, they hardly changed anything, really. Because in everyone’s eyes, before this, he and Jared were already friends. And that’s _enough_ alone for Jared’s mom to think that her son wasn’t a fucking loser. 

Adding more of himself, and adding Connor into the picture is just something nice to think about. It can’t be proven true or untrue. Otherwise just nice footnotes in a story no one will realize is not even applicable to what’s going on within the pages. And never was.

“You ready?” Alana stage whispers to him, her sudden presence next to him backstage making him flinch. “There’s a pretty decent amount of people out there! I’m really excited,” and she sounds excited too, eyes bright, grin wide. 

This assembly determines the fate of the club, too. The club with such good intentions behind it, the club Alana _really_ wants to work because despite how stretched thin she is, she thinks this is important. For their school, for the students in it. For Jared. 

He doesn’t know when she walked away, but she did - he can hear her muffled voice on the stage now, welcoming everyone, thanking them for coming. 

He can go home. 

He’d let so many people down, but he could. They’d be fine. Arguably, they’d be better off. 

Distantly, he hears his name. Over the speakers. Alana said it. People are clapping. He’s pretty sure that’s his cue.

He teeters the edge of no return. 

Connor said this was a bad idea. 

“Here ya go, whenever you’re ready,” someone whispers to him, one of the students volunteering for tech, as they place a microphone in the hand that isn’t holding his notecards. 

He doesn’t have to. 

And he shouldn’t. He really, really shouldn’t _._

He shouldn’t.

And he repeats it in his head - that he really fucking shouldn’t - all the way from his spot back stage to the center spotlight. 

The mic is heavy in his hand. Somehow, the notecards are heavier.

He _shouldn’t_. 

He..

“Good evening, students and faculty...” 


	2. act II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Which leads him to now. Essentially just going through the motions. In the wake of his own mess he tries to do good, or as much as he _can_ , or whatever _his_ definition of _good_ is. If any of that has an effect on the inner battle, he makes a point not to notice.
> 
> (Or: things have to get worse before they can get better.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today kayla learned about work skins (spoiler alert, i'm dumb and it took me way longer than it should've to figure out how they work) 
> 
> but YES we're back >:D pls enjoy

_ @Alana_Beck _ retweeted:

**dana 💕💌 __** _· 15 hours ago_

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okay everyone needs to watch this, i didn’t even KNOW this kid and im crying sm rn 

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_[video attached - 3:19]_

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**7.6k** Retweets **16.2k** Likes 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

“I think I’ve settled on a name,” Alana chirps, and Evan looks up at her from where he’s sitting on her bedroom floor sorting through the many, many club applications. 

__

“O-Oh?” 

__

She shuts her laptop as gently as she speaks. “It’s something you said from your speech, actually. I think it just has a nice ring to it.” 

__

Evan said a lot of things, admittedly a lot that he can’t (and doesn’t really want to) remember. Despite the video being up for a little over three days now, he can’t bring himself to watch it - in part because of the content, obviously, and also because he knows he’s going to hate the sound of his own voice. Not that that’s special to him, nobody likes to hear their own voice in videos, but right now he especially doesn’t think it’s going to sit well with him. “Yeah..?” 

__

She takes a breath. “You Will Be Found?” And then, a little looser, “YWBF for short, obviously.” 

__

Ah. He did say that. 

__

It’d.. been on a whim, honestly. Looking back on it now, it was definitely the kind of horribly ironic thing that Jared would’ve made fun of him so hard for. And that wasn’t even really taking into account the speech as a whole, that the whole thing was a tribute to him and Jared (and Connor, distantly). It all came back to them, about how much they meant to each other, how much they helped each other. 

__

‘You will be found’.

__

Evan was not found, as much as he wanted to be.

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Jared wasn’t found until it was too late. 

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And in reality, neither of them knew enough about the other to even guess that something like that would happen to them, and yet..

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“Is that okay?” 

__

Evan blinks hard, refocusing his gaze on Alana. Her face is pinched a little in worry, and Evan quickly shakes his head and pointedly focuses away from the guilt feeling like it’s pulling his ribs inward. 

__

“I - no, yeah! That’s good, that. That’s a good name.” 

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“If it’s too personal, I can go with something else—”

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_“It’s not,_ it’s not. Promise.” He gives her a trying smile for good measure. He’s at least not lying about that - the sentiment behind the phrase wasn’t personal to him at all.

_  
_

— 

_  
_

“YWBF. That sounds like a dumb radio station.” 

__

Jared is sitting on the edge of Evan’s bed kicking his feet out when Evan chances a glance over. 

__

“ _Comin’ to you liiiive, from YWBF!”_ Jared cackles at his own bad impression of a radio show host. Evan humors him with a quiet, barely there exhale as he plops down on the bed next to him. 

__

Once Jared’s laughs die down, he looks over at Evan again, raising a brow, grin still intact. “Aww, c’mon, what’s wrong?” 

__

It’s too familiar and too real that Evan can’t quite look back at him, and only shakes his head. He can still feel that Jared is looking at him, though, and it seems like ignoring him won’t make him go away, so Evan eventually sighs and shakes his head again. “Nothing, it’s. It isn’t anything.” He’d tack on a ‘I’m fine’, too, if he were talking to anyone else. 

__

“Really?” Jared asks him. “What could _possibly_ be bothering you right now? The assembly went fine, Alana’s club is gonna happen, my mom’s happy. This _still_ isn’t enough?”

__

“No, I—that’s _fine,_ I’m. All of that is fine, it’s great, I’m just—” He closes his eyes. He’s _what?_ “..Overwhelmed. I think.” 

__

“Nothing’s happening.” 

__

Evan laughs weakly at that, a bitter, slightly choked and quiet noise. “I mean - I know.” 

__

Jared is quiet for a long moment. It’s long enough for Evan to think that he’s gone altogether, but sure enough after a minute he hears the other boy scoff. 

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“Not sure how you _still_ have it in you to, like, make any of this about yourself. But. Guess it makes sense.” A pause. And then quieter, “You’ve always been kinda selfish.” 

__

Evan’s eyes burn even despite the fact that they’re still closed. “Maybe.” 

__

Eventually through blurry, tear obscured vision, he looks over to see that Jared is gone once again. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

“So that video really blew the fuck up.” 

__

Evan laughs weakly as he drops his backpack to the floor of Connor’s car and shifts to put on his seatbelt. “Something like that, yeah.”

__

“Like, Jesus. It was an alright speech an’ all, but it’s kinda wild how kids who don’t even go to our school are reposting it.” He must take Evan’s silence as, like, offense, because then he shifts a bit in his seat and quietly and somewhat awkwardly adds, “I— not to, um, not to imply that it was a shit speech or anything, just—“ 

__

“I—no, I know,” Evan reassures him, grinning sheepishly. “I still don’t really believe it either. It’s not.. I didn’t even say anything that profound, or anything.” 

__

“Everyone else really seemed to think so,” Connor responds, finally taking initiative to switch the car back into drive and pull away from the curb by Evan’s house. “You’re about to be a small-town hero or some shit.” 

__

Right. Today was their first day back since the assembly. Evan sighed, slumping down in his seat. “Great. That’s - exactly what I wanted to happen.” 

__

“Are you complaining?” It sends a momentary spike of panic through him because it reminds him a bit of last night’s conversation with himself, but upon looking at Connor, he has a somewhat dull smile. He’s.. joking, Evan is pretty sure. 

__

“I - yes?” Evan still answers him genuinely. “I didn’t do any of that to get, get _recognition_ , or anything.” His habit of absently scratching at his cast has been getting harder to do given that his nails have been getting bitten down shorter and shorter, so his next default is to tug at the hem of his shirt. “I only wanted to help, it was for his—”

__

“His mom, yeah. And Alana. I know.” 

__

Evan can feel his face burn a little. He clears his throat and twists his fingers into his shirt. “So, I mean. Yeah. Everything else that’s happening, that’s.. it’s cool, but it’s not why I’m doing any of this.” 

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“So that’s the only reason it bothers you?” 

__

...Why does that feel like some sort of passive aggressive trick question? 

__

Evan looks up, expecting some sort of pointed look, or a grin, because maybe Connor was still teasing him or making fun of him or something, but.. no, he’s just staring boredly ahead at the road with his temple resting against the window. 

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“Yes,” Evan answers carefully, deliberately, trying to make sure he didn’t answer it like a question. As he often did when he felt cornered into answering someone. 

__

Connor hums, the sound almost as uninterested as his expression, but Evan can’t help but feel like it was somehow still some sort of jab at him.

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Maybe it’s just because that’s what Evan’s used to. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

Evan can’t really blame his mom for assuming that Evan had just been up bright and early on Sunday morning as opposed to not having slept yet. He also can’t help but feel a little resentment as she invites (forces) him out of the house to get breakfast with her and Ms. Kleinman. 

__

She worked and had classes all week - she was presumably _more_ busy and stressed than Evan was, how the hell was she choosing _this_ over sleeping in? 

__

And besides, there wasn’t any need for Evan to catch up with Jared’s mom. He arguably had been talking to her more than his mom had been these past few weeks.

__

He doesn’t voice any of these complaints, though, but he also doesn’t talk much to his mom on their car ride to the diner. Not because he’s intentionally trying to be rude, but because he genuinely nods off several times, and she probably notices, and maybe she decides trying to prod at a normal conversation would be even more difficult with him than usual. 

__

The bright lights in the diner and the loud prattle of people around them keeps him awake once they get there, but that didn’t mean he was any more alert. Jared’s mom is already there when they step in, sitting at a booth near the back, and Evan lets his mom lead him towards it as he struggles to keep his eyes open. 

__

“Sorry for suggesting this so short notice,” Jared’s mom leads with once they all sit down, grinning a tad sheepishly. “I know with your work schedule, Heidi, it’s probably - this is probably _way_ too early—” 

__

“No, hey, don’t worry about it, Dee,” Mom instantly reassures her. “I told you, anyway, that we needed to get together somewhere outside of our houses sometime— what better time than now, y’know? When we’re all free?” 

__

Evan kinda just nods along, offering a much weaker version of his mom’s smile. 

__

It’s idle chat for the most part, stuff that Evan can zone out of without feeling too bad about it. He probably should, though - feel bad - because it’s not often that he and his mom get to go out like this, and Jared’s mom specifically _asked_ for both of them to tag along. Maybe if he thought about it or if he wasn’t so bone crushingly exhausted he’d feel worse. Maybe it’d all just hit him later. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. 

__

“There was also something I wanted to talk to you guys about, too. While we’re all here.” 

__

Mom sets down her coffee mug, humming. “Oh, okay?” She replies, tone inviting her to continue.

__

Ms. Kleinman sets her own mug down, clearing her throat a little and straightening in her seat. And maybe _that’s_ specifically what catches Evan’s attention, what reactivates his anxiety response at the pretty much vague message of ‘can we talk?’ that hadn’t sprung up the moment those words had left her mouth. 

__

Also, the way her lips are pursed and that furrow between her brows is just a little too reminiscent of her son for Evan’s comfort, but that is neither here nor there. 

__

“I’ve been thinking a lot about this, um.. especially with everything that’s happened,” she starts, immediately unable to look at either of them. “It had _already_ been a consideration, but.. with all this, it just.” She laughs, humorlessly. “Seemed like now was as good of a time as any.” 

__

Evan and his mom look briefly at each other, and then at her again. 

__

She takes a breath. “I’m selling our house.” 

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Evan stiffens. Next to him, he can also see his mother recoil a little, too, though she at least has it in her to speak. 

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“You’re— really?” 

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Ms. Kleinman nods. “It had been something I was thinking about for after Jared went off to college— that house is way too big for just _me_ , y’know? But I wasn’t sure because I didn’t know how often he was going to come back home, and I wanted to make sure he’d still have a room to come back to, but..” She trails off. 

__

Jared’s room was now bare, half of his belongings packed away in boxes, some sitting in the room and some downstairs in the basement. Evan had taped shut at least half of them. 

__

“That’s..” Mom starts, blinking. She still looks to be more in shock than anything. “Where are you going to go?” 

__

“I was actually going to go check out this place in Attica, on Wednesday,” Ms. Kleinman says, before trying to offer them a reassuring grin. “It’s.. definitely not in spitting distance from you guys like where I’m at now, but it’s only an hour away. The drive isn’t bad.” 

__

For a moment, all three of them are quiet, just. Exchanging looks. 

__

“That’s..” His mom kind of breathes out a laugh, an uncertain sounding noise. “..wow, Dee.” 

__

“It’s going to be hard, don’t get me wrong. I watched both of my _kids_ grow up in that house..” the words come out before she’s ready for them to, Evan thinks, because she has to swallow thickly and look away from them again before continuing. “But.. I think it’s for the best. I think this sort of change would be better for me right now.” 

__

“Well,” Mom says gently, readjusting herself in the seat and offering a somewhat less tense smile. “You know we’re going to support you no matter what.” It’s _safe_ , it’s a thing that she doesn’t have to be uncertain about, so she moves to that. This isn’t his first rodeo. “It’s gonna take more than an hour drive to get rid of us.” 

__

Jared’s mom laughs, looking just a little less tense. Though her eyes seem to flit over to Evan a moment later, and he’s almost positive it’s because he hasn’t said anything yet. 

__

His own mom seems to notice this too, because she glances at him and lightly nudges his arm. “Right?” 

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“I - no, yeah! Yeah, that’s. Yeah. Definitely.” He blames the crack in his voice from lack of use, and the inability to form words eloquently on the fact that he hasn’t slept in more than eighteen hours. Nothing else. “You should, um. You should do it, if you think that’s what’s best. For you.” 

__

Again, quiet. The clinking of plates from the next table as a waitress busses it sounds extra loud, but isn’t enough to cut through whatever.. _this,_ is.

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But eventually, Ms. Kleinman sighs quietly, sounding almost relieved. “I’m really glad you guys understand, I don’t want it to seem like I’m.. like, running away from anything.” 

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“Of course not,” his mom says. “This has been so much for you, Deanna, I couldn’t even imagine..” 

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Evan just barely catches the quick look she gives him from the corner of her eye, and the force it hits him with is enough to make him lose his appetite. 

__

That’s the climax of their conversation, for sure - although it’s still not as lighthearted as maybe his mom or Ms. Kleinman wanted it to be, it definitely lightens up a little from there. Which of course means that Evan retains nothing else from it. It’s not important, and the fact that he’s exhausted unfortunately outweighs any of what they’re talking about from there on. He gives an occasional nod and moves the food around on his plate with his fork. 

__

What little conscious thought he can make out for himself right now is still stuck on the fact that Jared’s mom is just.. leaving. 

__

When he and his mom get back into the car, he feels like she’s not talking to him again for a different reason altogether. The air is heavy and tense until they get back home, in which she parks the car in the driveway but makes no move to actually get out of the car. 

__

Tentatively, Evan takes off his seatbelt, and when he looks up, she’s looking back at him. He can’t read her expression. 

__

“Are you okay, honey?” 

__

The abruptness of the question and the way she asks kind of smacks him awake again. He blinks several times, then shakes his head - not saying no, but an unintentional depiction of not being ready for her to ask him like that. “I.. huh? Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?” 

__

She opens her mouth, then shuts it. She looks.. troubled. “I.. I don’t know. I..” Furrowing her brow, she sort of huffs out a quiet, equally troubled laugh. “I wasn’t.. I don’t know about _you,_ but _I_ really wasn’t expecting what she told us,” Her voice sort of tapers off, and she speaks quietly even though it’s just the two of them in the car. “I mean, I understand _why,_ I don’t know if I’d be able to stay in that house either if I was her, but.. I’m just worried. It’s so sudden.” 

__

Of course, Evan has nothing to say to that. He has no idea how his mom was able to wrap her mind around it that quickly when he wasn’t even sure he'd actually fully processed the fact yet. 

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When he doesn’t answer, her somewhat intense expression sort of slackens a little and she grins, tiredly. “Sorry. I’m just.. still a little in shock, s’all.” 

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“It’s okay, I’m— I just.. don’t know what to make of it, I guess?” That wasn’t a lie, but it still _feels_ like one. Why? 

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“That’s fair,” she says with a bit of a sigh, unbuckling her seatbelt and finally stepping out of the car. Evan follows. 

__

As she’s unlocking the door, she looks at him again. With that same look on her face from the diner. It makes Evan blink himself awake again, and to cover up that tic he forces out an unsteady, “what?” 

__

“I - nothing, nothing,” she says, and Evan immediately regrets saying anything. “Just..” She manages to get the door unlocked, but she doesn’t push it open right away, pulling the key out and turning to him again. 

__

“Just.. I know I’ve told you before, but.. if you need to ever talk about anything, you know that I’m here for you, right?” Her eyes are painfully, painfully earnest. “This whole situation has been so much, and.. I know I’m not always here _physically_ , because.. you know, work, and class, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you so, so much, and just.. I wish that you didn’t have to go through any of this.” 

__

That, mixed with the fact that he’s sleepless, makes his eyes burn almost immediately. He drops his gaze down to the chips in the wood on the porch, nodding because he doesn’t trust himself enough to speak. 

__

His mom lets go of a breath, taking a step forward and pulling him close. And he lets her, he gently hugs her back, resting his forehead against her shoulder and willing himself _not_ to fucking cry because he doesn’t deserve to, okay, nothing’s happening, he isn’t _going_ through anything other than weird misplaced grief over a friendship that didn’t even _exist_ — 

__

She squeezes him a little tighter. He disguises the choked up noise with a cough.

_  
_

—

_  
_

As he often does, Evan considers calling Connor. 

__

But only considers. Because he bugs Connor enough on a daily basis that he feels like this is overkill, that he’s genuinely _bothering_ him. He really has to keep reminding himself that Connor didn’t sign up for _any_ of this - the fact that Evan does anything other than sit with him at lunch is probably too much in and of itself. 

__

Besides, he’s not exactly sure he wants to hear Connor’s opinion on this, only because for some reason Connor tends to read him completely to filth. Which shouldn’t be possible with the little amount of time they’ve known each other, but. Whatever.

__

So, he’s left with this tangled up string of feelings to try and decipher on his own:

__

Why does the idea of Jared’s mom moving _bug_ him so much? 

__

It just.. doesn’t make sense. He understands _why_ she’s doing it, it’s honestly pretty reasonable— she doesn’t want to be in a house that not only reminds her too much of her dead kid, but is also way too big for just her to live in. He gets that. 

__

And it’s not like he has any, like, sentimental attachment to the house itself. Yeah, that’s the only house Jared has ever lived in, and Evan has extremely early memories of being in that house, he and Jared played in that house as little kids and spent hours playing video games and watching shitty movies in the basement as preteens, but none of those moments mattered at all when Jared wasn’t even alive anymore. 

__

And Jared’s mom was great, he loved her dearly, but if anything, her presence now just a.) reminded him way too much of Jared and b.) was a living addition to his own guilt, what with all the _lies._ Having her live further away and seeing her less frequently might put some of his frayed nerves to ease. 

__

And yet. 

__

The idea just sits so _badly_ with him. 

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The idea of some other family living in their house, and the fact that he’ll never be able to go back inside of it, and that any trace of Jared that he can reach _now_ will be gone other than his _gravestone_? 

__

Maybe part of him is also resentful of the idea of Ms. Kleinman just.. going, leaving behind their town, leaving behind what traces were left of Jared. Not resentful towards _her,_ but just. The idea. 

__

Getting away. 

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Maybe not even the _idea,_ maybe just the fact that _he_ doesn’t have that option. 

__

And if not that, then the fact that he’s selfish enough to have that fucking thought in the first place. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

A lot of things start to change in his life. It’s.. weird. 

__

Firstly, and probably most importantly: the implementation of the YWBF club/project. 

__

Like Alana says, it’s a weekly sort of gathering. Evan quickly figures out the vibe that it gives is like.. group therapy. Sort of. It’s never too hectic or too crowded, but even still Evan never really feels comfortable enough to speak. Luckily, Alana doesn’t make him, just.. seems to value that he’s there, taking up space. Which he can do. He does quiet things during the meetings like taking attendance or working on the blog.

__

Which, not everyone comes to the meetings, but their online blog is _bustling_. They get a constant stream of messages daily. Evan _does_ reply to some of those - it’s easier formulating constructive responses to someone’s thoughts when he’s not in front of them, which he figures is what the whole point of the blog existing was to begin with. He and Alana sort of tag-team in writing big general posts too when they receive a stream of a lot of the same questions (apparently there are two other reps, Sabrina and Matt, that also post sometimes? Out of the two of them, Evan’s pretty sure he’s only ever seen Sabrina in person. Alana tells him that Matt does coding or maintenance stuff with the blog.) 

__

Popular doesn’t feel like the right word to say, but. People do recognize him in the halls.

__

He and Connor hang out more— he ends up finally meeting his parents who seem nice and, as Connor already had told him, were pretty much just elated at the prospect of their son having a friend— and sometimes Alana invites him over to her house to work with her on stuff related to the project. And they do, but oftentimes they end up talking about things unrelated to the project.

__

When she isn’t busy doing something else, Alana actually starts sitting with him and Connor at their lunch table. Which, again, it isn’t anything extreme, but it’s still.. huh.

__

His cast finally gets taken off. He has a weird tan line from it, obscured by long sleeves as the weather starts to get colder.

__

Time still doesn’t feel quite right— just like during that first week of school when the hours themselves dragged on but the days themselves seemed to blend together and pass by too quickly, indistinguishable, _only_ for him, with everyone else still able to walk and function in real time not stuck on how surreal the world around them suddenly felt. 

__

There isn’t anything necessarily too memorable about his days. They kind of just trudge and trudge along— suddenly it’s three months later and he doesn’t feel any different than he had at the end of August. He’s done so much, so much has changed, and he has almost nothing to show for it. 

__

Should he feel different? He really doesn’t know. 

__

People.. grow, from things. Bad things that happened to them (as elementary as it sounds, said like _that)_ , and it’s definitely been long enough that he shouldn’t be this hung up on Jared’s death _still_ —if he had been, ever. Something should be different.

__

If growing meant _better_ , in some sense, then he definitely hadn’t grown at all. And even if it _didn’t_ necessarily mean that, Evan still isn’t sure he’s changed in any otherwise meaningful way. Other than the fact that he thinks about shit like this way more often than he ever would’ve before. 

__

(His sleeping habits only getting worse is a change, he supposes. Not really for the better, though.) 

__

Yet at the same time, going back to that first thing, isn’t wishing or hoping or _expecting_ to be better in the wake of Jared being gone, like, kind of fucked? 

__

He really couldn’t win, no matter what. 

__

Maybe that was the meaningful change—the fact that despite all the months that were passing by, he stayed waging a fucking battle against himself, the end goal just being able to know what he was _allowed_ to feel. It’s a change in the sense that he feels like it’s only gotten harder to deal with as time went on.

__

Not to say that it’s an active battle, not _most_ of the time, more just.. an absence of really trying to figure it out. Everytime he considers something, _anything_ , the alternating pinball bumpers in his brain labeled ‘you’re being selfish’ and ‘you’re being heartless’ fling the idea back to the top of the board before he can come to any sort of answer for himself. At this point, he doesn’t even see the point in trying. 

__

Which leads him to now. Essentially just going through the motions. In the wake of his own mess he tries to do good, or as much as he _can,_ or whatever _his_ definition of _good_ is. If any of that has an effect on the inner battle, he makes a point not to notice. 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

Connor calling him at nearly two in the morning doesn’t wake Evan up - given that he hadn’t been asleep to begin with - but it certainly somewhat alarms him. 

__

It’s a little easier when it’s someone he knows, but it still always takes a few seconds and a deep breath before Evan can make his trembling hands answer the phone. “H-Hello?” It probably _sounds_ like he’d been asleep, but rest assured he’d only been staring numbly at the ceiling for the past hour. 

__

_“Hey. What are you doing.”_ Not a question. Evan can hear the sound of the wind blowing outside from Connor’s line. 

__

“Uh.. nothing?” A question, but it shouldn’t have been. He really _hadn’t_ been doing anything. Clearing his throat, Evan sits up a little in the bed. “Is.. everything okay, or..?”

__

_“Just_ — _you know how I said my dad seemed like he was going to pick a fight with me today?”_

__

“Yeah?” 

__

_“I was right. He said some stupid shit at dinner,”_ Connor pauses to take a breath. Wherever he is or wherever he’s going to, it sounds like he’s doing so at a brisk pace. _“All I really did was tell him to fuck off, and I thought that’d be it, but then I overheard him talking to my mom about_ — _about it, a couple minutes ago, and I’m just.. I’m so fucking over it.”_

__

“Oh..” 

__

Before Evan can offer some sort of affirmative noise of sympathy, Connor continues to speak. _“I needed to fucking get out for a minute. So. Takin’ a walk.”_ A brief pause. _“I was gonna pass your house, so. If you wanted to come with me. I wasn’t going to go far.”_

__

“Isn’t it cold?” Evan asks after a moment, but he’s already shifting to move to the edge of his bed. “Why didn’t you go for a drive?”

__

_“I didn’t think about grabbing my keys until I was already a block away from my house._ ” Another pause, and Evan can hear Connor quietly scoff to himself. _“Jesus. I hope I don’t get locked out.”_

__

Evan doesn’t say anything. The wind continues to whistle from Connor’s end, before the other boy eventually asks, “ _So, yes, no..?”_

__

“I - yeah, sure.” 

__

His mom wasn’t supposed to be back until a little after four, and he doubted that this escapade with Connor would take much more than an hour. He forgoes a real coat, though (it was _somewhere_ amongst the mess of other clothes on his floor currently) for layers, pulling a sweater on over his t-shirt and then pulling a hoodie over the sweater, deeming that appropriate enough for the early December weather outside. 

__

It was strange, even still, being the person Connor came to now. They’d known each other probably for upwards of several years, given that they’ve always gone to the same schools, but outside of all of that, these past few months have been the only time they’d actually talked to each other. And really, only because Evan roped Connor into his weird string of lies. It was arguable that their interactions didn’t even have to be that often, now that everything with Jared had mostly died down (ha..), but they were still sitting quietly with each other at lunch and sometimes they’d talk about shit and sometimes they’d FaceTime and sometimes Connor would call at a weird hour in the morning and invite Evan to go on a vent walk with him because he knew about Evan’s broken sleep schedule and that he’d be awake to come with him. 

__

It’s a tough realization when he figures it’s because this might’ve been the first time Connor _had_ anyone like Evan to talk to. 

__

And.. well, likewise? Kind of?

__

Connor was by no means really _nice_ to him, he also wasn’t the type to spare Evan’s feelings, but.. something that made him different from Jared was that he seemed to be more self aware, at least outwardly, about being lonely and insecure and depressed. There wasn’t much of a front going on - Evan wasn’t sure that Connor _cared_ enough to act any different to how he felt. And Connor talked to him, Connor _trusted_ him enough, Evan guessed, but it was a very ‘I’m talking to you because you’re here and I don’t have anyone else to talk to, but I also don’t care if you’re _actually_ listening because I’m just talking for the sake of talking’ vibe. Nothing too deep.

__

Evan isn’t necessarily the same way, he doesn’t think. He _talks_ to Connor, he does, but he can’t bring himself to put much of his feelings out there, at least not the ones that he and Connor hadn’t talked about before just out of necessity to The Story. Connor.. calls him out on things, sometimes, but not too the extent that Evan _actually_ has to confront anything. Connor isn’t goading him into expressing himself, which. Evan doesn’t know if that makes them better or worse friends. 

__

Or, y’know, ‘friends’. 

__

A similarity about Connor and Jared. Evan wasn’t sure where he stood with them. Granted, this one was more or less _entirely_ his doing, so. 

__

He slips on his shoes just as he hears a loud knock at his door, and he frantically scans the darkness of his bedroom until he sees his keys on his desk chair, snatches them up, and carefully makes his way downstairs. 

__

“Hey,” Connor greets him again with a nod once the front door opens, briefly eyeing Evan before turning and stepping off the porch. Clearly already ready to go. 

__

“Hi.” So after locking the door behind him, they’re off. 

__

It’s cold — the wind that Evan heard over the phone hadn’t been deceiving. Although there’s no snow, there might as well have been, the air sharp and biting at whatever skin was exposed to it. Evan had never really minded the cold, given that he almost always felt too warm and hated how much he always seemed to be _sweating_ , but it’s still enough right now that he keeps his hands stuffed in his hoodie pockets and laments the fact that Connor forgot his keys. 

__

They walk in silence for a while, Connor leading the way even though Evan was almost positive that he didn’t have a particular destination in mind. He should’ve been worried that they were going to get lost or something if they actually strayed too far out of his neighborhood, but he couldn’t bring himself to, at least not yet. Connor also has his hands in his pockets, eyes fixated on nothing in particular and his brows knitted together. He looks.. mad. Oftentimes he looks mad because that’s just his _face,_ but given why they were walking right now, Evan figured this time he actually was. (Duh.) 

__

“So, what happened?” Evan asks, only because he’s tired of the silence. 

__

Connor glances up, turning his head to look at Evan for a second before scoffing, his posture straightening just a little. “So, this shit started at dinner..” 

__

Connor tells him about this whole incident - some ignorant comment his dad made at dinner about Connor needing to find a hobby that escalated into something else entirely by the end of it. And then following up, Connor overhearing his parents talking, his dad apparently offended enough by whatever it was that Connor said that he suggested taking away his car keys again. 

__

“I can’t fucking stand them,” Connor hisses, fully a little worked up now. He unearths a Newport box and a lighter from his pocket. “It’s like - nothing I do now is going to ever be enough to make up for, for.. I don’t know. How shitty I was _before_. Not me actually getting on track to graduate, not sort of being okay with Zoe again, not talking to other people..” 

__

Evan has since learned not to offer advice unless Connor asked for it (not that anything Evan said was, like.. ever substantial enough to be considered advice), so he spends a lot of their one-sided conversation nodding and making small, inoffensive comments. It’s not like he wasn’t sympathetic to Connor’s situation, it’s just.. for one, Evan obviously couldn’t necessarily relate, and secondly, he still felt weird about someone being openly vulnerable to him. 

__

And Connor wasn’t even being _that_ vulnerable, was he? He was just kinda _ranting,_ but. Still. 

__

..Isn’t that something? Evan had a person tied to him for more than a decade, and yet he can’t say he remembers a time past, like, 7th grade, in which that person had ever let down their guard in front of him—

__

Evan shakes himself. Enough that Connor stops trying to light his cigarette for a moment to look at him. He raises a brow. “Are you good?” 

__

“M’just cold,” Evan dismisses, shaking his head. 

__

Jesus. Stupid of him to think he could’ve just left his shitty thoughts at home. 

__

Connor gets his cigarette to light, and they continue to talk, him quietly speaking around it and occasionally taking drags (he knew Evan hated the smell, so he was at least courteous enough to blow the smoke away from him). Evan can’t say that he’s totally listening anymore, but again, he’s not too sure Connor cares much one way or the other. 

__

Evan’s head feels heavy. Like static. He’s not sure he could fully take in Connor’s words even if he wanted to. 

__

Some minutes or hours or something pass by when a harsh bout of wind suddenly blows pass them, effectively putting Connor’s cigarette out. He stops in his tracks, which snaps Evan out of his weird dissociated state long enough to make him stop as well.

__

“Oh, fucking _Christ,_ ” Connor grumbles, already fishing for his lighter again. 

__

Evan sort of just watches him for a moment, almost slipping right back into that headspace before gently shaking himself and glancing around. He _needs_ to stop doing that. 

__

What’s the thing you do when you’re supposed to ground yourself? Point out five things you see, four things you hear.. Evan glances away from Connor to take in their surroundings.. and before he can count out anything, he realizes he has absolutely no idea where they are. 

__

Which.. that does the trick. He’s back. 

__

And..

__

...

__

He faintly hears the _click, click_ of Connor flicking at the lighter behind him, but takes a couple of hesitant steps forward away from him. Reaches out, touches the beam that’s jutting up from the ground that turns into a rail, and stretches in front of them for several yards, parallel to another rail on the other side of the street. The metal is so cold against his hand that it almost feels hot. He looks out, over the railing to see that there’s a partially frozen river underneath them, and they’re.

__

They’re on a bridge. 

__

Evan swallows thickly. 

__

_Click, click._

__

He turns around, looking at the nearest street sign he can see, which was one they’d passed by a few minutes ago. 

__

_Driving Park Bridge ave._ —>

__

No. 

__

_No_ , this isn’t.. 

__

He takes a couple more steps forward, unsteadily, fingers trailing along the railing as he went, before he stops after several feet when he’s just barely halfway across. He turns so he’s facing the rail and brings his other hand up to clutch it. 

__

This was.. 

__

“There we go, _Jesus_ ,” Connor huffs from behind him, the clicks stopping. 

__

_This_ was the bridge. 

__

Evan had never been here before. He hadn’t even known it existed until he read the article.

__

The article, where.. 

__

“All right, sorry, let’s keep—” 

__

Evan felt like he was going to pass out. 

__

He grips the railings until his knuckles turn white, until he can feel the raised curves from probably rust on the rails digging into his palms. He’s shivering like crazy and God, fuck, _why_ was he out here, why did Connor bring him here how was this fucking bridge so close to their houses and Evan had no idea it was even there, of course Jared picked _here_ to do it because the railings were short enough for him that he could easily climb over them and he did it around _this_ time too probably, when there weren’t any cars driving over the bridge or anyone around, so he could die alone here with no chance of anyone finding him or _saving_ him or — 

__

“ _What_?” Connor says, the subtle confusion evident in his voice, and— what did Evan say out loud? 

__

“This is where they found him,” he finds himself saying again, words quiet and mumbled enough that they barely even reach his own ears. Connor says something in response, probably another acknowledgement of him not hearing what Evan said, but it doesn’t matter. 

__

_Kleinman was pronounced dead at the scene._

__

This was the scene. 

__

Slowly, Evan glances down at the water. It’s still, the water being in the process of freezing. 

__

Near the spot where the river met the ground, there’s a stake stuck into the dirt. Although muddied and ripped up and mostly gone, he can still see the short remnants of yellow caution tape tied around the stake. 

__

They taped that area off so they would have room to.. 

__

Evan isn’t sure how anything comes up, but he gags and then retches off the side of the bridge.

__

“I— Evan?!” Connor is immediately next to him, an extremely cautious hand on his back. Out of his peripherals Evan can just barely see the terrified look on his face, but at the present moment Evan couldn’t make his mind think of anything other than Jared fucking dying maybe less than fifty feet from where they were standing. 

__

After about ten seconds it’s mostly dry-heaving just because there isn’t any food in his body, but it _hurts_ — less so than everything else, by a long shot, but between that and quickly dissolving into sobbing his body is trembling violently and his hands burn and his lungs feel like they’re being crushed by his ribs caving in and fuck, _fuck,_ this wasn’t real this couldn’t be real he doesn’t want this please God _no_ — 

__

“No, I— _hey,_ no, not here, we’re not—” Connor is saying this because Evan realizes his knees start to buckle like he’s about to sink to the ground. Connor clearly doesn’t know Evan well enough to realize that unfortunately, they don’t get to pick where his panic attacks happen. Connor manages to wiggle an arm around his waist so he’s at least keeping him from collapsing completely onto the sidewalk, but Evan doesn’t let go of the rail and drops his forehead to rest on it too since it’s about at eye level now. 

__

“Dude, you should’ve told me you were fuckin’ _sick,_ I wouldn’t have asked you to come with me—” And God, that’s hilarious, he didn’t hear Evan earlier, he thinks that Evan is _sick,_ which he is, he’s been sick for fucking _months,_ there has been and _is_ just something fucking wrong with him, isn’t there? 

__

“Nh, _no,_ I’m—” He’s hyperventilating more than he has in a while, Jesus. “ _Jared_ , Jared, h-he—”

__

And he can’t get any more than that out, not anymore. He coughs, hard, and then despite Connor’s grip on him makes his way to the ground, hands having slipped from the top of the rail to the bars. It sounds like Connor is far away or underwater or both, but Evan does hear the clear ‘oh, _fuck,_ ’ when the other boy must realize what’s happening. 

__

Evan doesn’t expect Connor to know what to do for him. 

__

Or anyone, anymore. 

__

Least of all himself. 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

_@ConnorMurphy [12:01pm]_

__

jesus i would be the asshole to take u to the specific bridge ur friend fuckin //died// on 

__

dude im so sorry???

__

_@ev.hansen [12:08pm]_

__

nonono please don’t be !!!

__

you didn’t know its not your fault

__

/I’M/ sorry that you had to see me like that, i…… don’t really know what happened but it was weird and bad and i’m sorry

__

_@ConnorMurphy [12:12pm]_

__

no dont its fine 

__

are u ok today? 

__

_@ev.hansen [12:15pm]_

__

yeah! yeah things are okay now haha

__

seriously i think i was just overwhelmed and sleep deprived and thinking too much last night

__

i didn’t mean to take from the shit you were dealing with im sorry

__

_@ConnorMurphy [12:19pm]_

__

shut up its literally fine, it was teen angst bullshit, ur going through like

__

actual… shit 

__

_@ev.hansen [12:21pm]_

__

it really isn’t something serious, i promise that that’s not like

__

normal

__

what happened

__

it was just a bad night

__

swear

__

_@ConnorMurphy [12:25pm]_

__

i mean.. ok yeah if u say so 

__

just. again im sorry 

__

_@ev.hansen [12:39pm]_

__

did you end up getting locked out of your house?

__

_@ConnorMurphy [12:40pm]_

__

oh yeah

__

i facetimed zoe like 18 times before she woke up

__

p sure shes still mad at me

__

_@ev.hansen [12:41pm]_

__

oh wow haha 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

Something feels.. more off, about his reflection than usual, today. 

__

(And before you ask, no, it isn’t the dark circles under his eyes, he has been pointedly ignoring that since they first showed up.) 

__

Frowning, he swipes his hands down his chest, smoothing out the rumples in his shirt, and.

__

Just as he figures it out—

__

“I didn’t know obsession was one of the stages of grief.” 

__

He’s wearing a button up with a graphic tee under it. 

__

Which isn’t usually his go-to style, okay, he’s going to swear up and down it’s because Connor made a joke about how Evan usually dresses like a dad yesterday and _not_ anything else. 

__

Evan rolls his eyes, side-stepping Jared and walking out of the bathroom. “Don’t flatter yourself,” he grumbles. “It was just a coincidence.” 

__

He grabs the strap of his backpack and swings it over his shoulder (forgoing a coat _again_ but this time it’s because he’s running late and really doesn’t have time to waste searching for it). 

__

“You’re right, how silly of me.” When he looks up, Jared is standing in his doorway. 

__

He has this.. like, wistful, but somewhat detesting smile on his face. “Just a coincidence. And anyway, I’m not sure that the thing you’re doing is _grieving_ me, either.” 

__

Evan can feel his chest tighten up a bit. Jared’s grin eventually wilts until there’s nothing there at all, and he rolls his eyes and steps out of the doorway, out of Evan’s path. 

__

Evan would’ve been fine even if Jared hadn’t moved, but he does take the opportunity to leave once the other isn’t in his way anymore. 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

“Alana’s okay,” Connor mumbles, erasing something haphazardly off of his paper. “She just - she’s..” 

__

Evan glances up briefly from his laptop to look over to where Connor is sitting on Evan’s floor, notebook sitting on his knees as something to write on as he stares intensely at the paper sitting on top of it. “It sounds like she’s trying to sell me something. All the time.” 

__

“..Sell you something?” Evan repeats quietly, though he can’t help but smiling just a little bit. 

__

“Shut up, you know what I mean,” Connor says back with a small laugh. “Like. Fucking - she’s _so_ much, all the time. I feel tired just looking at her.” 

__

Evan couldn’t really argue with that, especially when he spent a pretty good portion of time with her nowadays. “She is kind of a lot sometimes.” 

__

“It’s less that I asked her to help me with pre-calc and more that she imposed her help onto me,” he explains after he blows the eraser shavings off his paper and goes back to writing something on it. “Voluntold _herself_ to be my tutor.” 

__

Evan yawns. “So it worked, then.” 

__

“What did?” 

__

“Her trying to sell you something.” 

__

Out of the corner of his eye, Evan can see Connor glance back up at him and give him A Look, which makes Evan snicker a little despite himself. “I mean, essentially, right?” 

__

“Shut _up_ ,” Connor tells him again, more pointedly, through another quiet laugh. 

__

They go back to work for a few minutes (or, rather, Connor goes back to huffing quietly at the pre-calc worksheet and flipping through the notebook to find something, probably notes, and Evan goes back to rereading the same three sentences in this article for his Econ class because try as he might he _cannot_ process the words). After a while of this, though, Connor seemingly gives up, laying back onto the floor with a sigh and dropping the notebook onto his chest. “I’ve decided to reconsider dropping out, actually.” 

__

“Your parents probably won’t be too happy to hear that.”

__

“Sounds like a personal problem.” 

__

Evan snorts. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m not really that great at math, either.” 

__

Connor drapes an arm over his face so his eyes are obscured. “You’re good enough to not have to take a math your senior year.” 

__

“That’s not - no, I definitely bullshitted my way through for the most part,” he admits with a nervous chuckle. He clicks off the article, having also given up. “Like, I’m pretty sure the only reason I passed Geometry was because Jared let me copy off of him half the time…” 

__

Like a lot of the things he says, he says that one without thinking about it at all beforehand, and feels immediate whiplash once the words are out of his mouth. He blinks several times at his blank webpage on his laptop’s screen, before risking a tentative look at Connor, who is now looking back at him with mild concern. 

__

“Yeah…?” 

__

He’s nudging Evan to continue. But there isn’t any other thought after that - and if there was, Evan would’ve still been cutting it off there anyway. 

__

“Yeah. So. Anyway.” He clears his throat, probably harder than he needed to. “I’m also just. Kinda shit at math. Sorry.” 

__

“I, uh.. it’s fine,” Connor mumbles awkwardly, and if he notices how red Evan’s face is, he at least doesn’t point it out. 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

“Is there a reason you’ve stopped posting on the blog?”

__

Evan hadn’t even heard Alana walk over - literally fifteen seconds ago she was talking to Sabrina in the other corner of the room while people trickled out as the meeting ended, and now she was standing like two feet away from Evan giving him this disappointed look, and they were alone. He stops mid un-zipping his backpack to look over and can only imagine that he looks like a deer caught in the headlights. He definitely _feels_ like one. 

__

“I.. what?” 

__

Alana’s expression sort of slackens once he finally manages to make himself speak, and she looks almost embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t - I didn’t mean for it to come off like that.” 

__

She doesn’t elaborate further than that, though, so Evan still isn’t really sure what to say. He opens his mouth, kind of shaking his head, and then closes it and returns to unzipping his bag to uncomfortably tuck his laptop back inside. 

__

In the meantime, Alana turns to grab a chair from one of the empty desks and sits down. Evan tries to take as much time as he can before looking up again, and when he does, he can feel this huge wave of _guilt_ hit him, and Alana hadn’t even really _said_ anything yet. 

__

She takes a breath. “I’ve just noticed that you stopped posting all of a sudden, is all. You used to be really active on there.” 

__

“I, uh..” He shakes his head again. “Yeah, I know, I just.. I haven’t really had anything to say..?” 

__

Is that a lie when he hasn’t really _ever_ had anything to say since this club first started and has just been winging it up until now? 

__

“That doesn’t mean you still can’t answer questions people have been leaving on there.” 

__

They have been getting a lot of those, lately. “I mean, you and Sabrina have been handling them just fine, right?” 

__

“I mean, _yes,_ but we have other things for the club that we need to be working on too.” She frowns. “We’re obviously all a team, but since you don’t really participate in the in-person discussions, I just figured you’d be more involved with the blog..” 

__

This isn’t a confrontation, he’s not necessarily being backed into a corner, but Evan can still feel a discomforting tightness in his chest as if he was. He fidgets with the cuff of his sleeve and just nods, probably too much. Other than a, ‘okay, I’ll do better’, he can’t think of any other response Alana could want from him right now, and even saying _that_ feels like it’d be too pitiful. 

__

“I - yeah, you’re right,” he eventually manages, and when he realizes that doesn’t make sense in context to what Alana was saying, he shakes his head. “I - I should. Be doing that. Because you’re - yeah. Sorry.” 

__

They sit in tense, uncomfortable silence for a second. 

__

“Is everything alright?” Alana asks, suddenly, a little too loudly, and it has Evan’s eyes snapping back up to her. 

__

“Huh?” 

__

“With you,” She clarifies, like he was confused. “I just.. you’ve been acting different, lately.” 

__

It’s arguable that Alana doesn’t even know what he’s _normally_ like - not with how this whole year has gone so far, not with how she’s only really talked to him since Jared passed. 

__

It’s arguable that _he_ doesn’t remember, either, and isn’t that—

__

“ _Evan_ ,” He blinks hard and refocuses on her. She looks frustrated and kind of offended. “I - I’m not trying to call you out on anything, you know, I was just worried—” 

__

“I - yeah, n-no, s’fine, I get it—” Evan shakes his head, a nervous laugh bubbling out of his throat despite finding none of this funny at all. “But, um. Yeah. I’m fine, I don’t.. everything’s alright. With me.” And then, maybe he shouldn’t ask, but he still does: “Why do you ask..? What - what’d’you mean, ‘different’?” 

__

“Just..” It’s weird to see Alana beating around the bush like this, not just being blunt about it. It almost makes it worse than if she outright told him in what way he was acting like a piece of shit. “You seem.. distracted? Bothered? I don’t know.” 

__

But she doesn’t give him room to respond to that, just shaking her head and standing up, moving the chair back. “I really - I need to get going, my dad’s waiting, but I just wanted you to know that you could talk to me whenever, okay?” She grabs the strap of her backpack from where it’d been sitting on the floor by the door, sparing him another glance. 

__

It almost reminds him of how she looked at him at the vigil. Though this time, he can’t say that he feels any newfound understanding with her, only dread and nausea. 

__

Maybe it’s because this time, it’s about _him._

__

(But really, hadn’t it been last time, too?)

__

“I know you don’t really like talking with everyone else,” she gestures to the room. “And I get that! Talking about your problems is hard, but..” 

__

She trails off, which is _also_ not like Alana, and also sets Evan off a little. 

__

“..I’d listen, if you ever wanted to talk. About anything.” 

__

There’s a deliberate inflection on _anything._

__

“..Yeah, I,” Evan all but squeaks, “yeah. Thank you.” 

__

She gives him a trying smile in the way that she does - not sad, but it clearly doesn’t reach her eyes. There, she still looks conflicted. And after a soft ‘goodbye’, she’s gone. 

__

Anything. 

__

He’d say it’s not that easy, but that makes it seem like he knew what was wrong with him in the first place. 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

_“Evan.”_

__

The inflection on his name sounds like his mom had tried it more than once before now, and when Evan snaps his gaze away from the window and to where she’s standing in the doorway of their kitchen, it _looks_ like it, too. 

__

“Hey,” he says back maybe a little too quickly, as if that would make up for the lost time. “I - sorry. Hi.” 

__

The tense expression on his mom’s face softens a little, and because she doesn’t say anything right away Evan’s eyes dart down to where he had his hands resting on the kitchen table. He resists the urge to drum his fingers against it, even though the brief couple seconds of silence makes his skin crawl. 

__

“You’ve been doin’ that a lot, lately,” she says - it sounds light, there’s a smile in her tone, but it’s clear that when she says things like that it’s only to not Set Him Off. 

__

“Doing what?” 

__

“Zoning out,” she says, and the floor creaks a little as she pulls out the chair across from him and sits down. “Did you even hear me call for you when I came in?” 

__

“No,” he admits quietly - she’s not mad, he doesn’t _think_ she’s mad, but he still feels like a kid getting scolded for something. “I - sorry.” 

__

“It’s _okay,_ honey, I’m just..” Here it comes. “I’m just really worried about you, s’all.” 

__

“Oh,” he says, dumbly, before shaking his head a little. “It’s - I’m fine. Just..” he frowns down at his hands. His nails look like they’re bitten down shorter than usual. “..um. Tired.”

__

It’s only a lie in the sense that _tired_ barely even covered it. Even saying ‘exhausted’ felt like some crass understatement. 

__

It doesn’t seem to matter though - his mom doesn’t respond to that, and Evan can just barely see her nod out of his peripherals. 

__

Again, the silence is a little unbearable. He reaches out to shut his laptop (he’d only been attempting to study in the kitchen because Alana said something to Connor the other day about how changing where you did stuff helped you be more productive and for some dumb reason Evan thought that that’d be applicable to him, too) and starts to scoot back in his chair to stand up, and his mom sits up a little straighter. 

__

“Have you, um.. have you been talking to Dr. Sherman? About Jared? About.. how you’ve been handling everything?” 

__

See, Evan figured they’d eventually talk about Jared or have some sort of conversation related to him in some sense, but _this_ approach still manages to effectively knock the air out of him despite the fact that he’s very much still sitting down and hasn’t actually moved to get up yet. 

__

The short answer is no. He hasn’t. 

__

And he’s sure that out loud it’s going to sound stupid, because isn’t this sort of thing exactly what therapy is for? Why is his mom wasting this money sending him to therapy if he’s not even going to utilize it? The only sound logic he’s had since the beginning is not knowing where to start and not knowing how to _explain -_ he hates the sound of his own voice, and if he wanted to even consider asking for answers for his feelings in the wake of Jared’s death, he’d have to explain 17 years of messy, uncoordinated friendship, and he can’t subject _anyone_ to however long that would take of him fumbling through it. And that’s all assuming that for whatever reason, he’d actually go through with explaining everything right. _And_ that Dr. Sherman would even be helpful (his track record so far wasn’t great, if the Therapy Letters weren’t some sort of indication. The right answer is probably a different _therapist_ , but that would mean talking to his mom about it, admitting that he was still not getting better despite her best efforts, and he just. Doesn’t want to have any of these conversations.) 

__

Evan manges to lift his eyes from the table to see his mom looking back pointedly. He bites down on the inside of his cheek, trying to school his expression into something that isn’t panic. “Not.. really?” For good measure, after a moment he adds, “It’s not something I’ve thought about enough to, um. To talk to him about. So.” And okay, there it is, the first _blatant_ lie. “Yeah. No, I haven’t - we haven’t. Talked about that, really.” 

__

And for all the trouble it takes for him to get that out, she is quick to shoot back, “Don’t you think you should?” 

__

“I.. no?” It’s debatable if he _should_ , but he does know that he’d really rather not. What would even be the point? “Why would I—”

__

“Because you aren’t talking to _me_ about it, Evan, and I don’t know what else - how else to _help_ you with this,” she says, voice raising just a little, exasperation leaking through. “I hate seeing you so torn up about something but not saying anything to anyone about it—” 

__

“No, no, I—” He swallows thickly, shaking his head. “What - what are you _talking_ about?” 

__

“I understand there’s no _easy_ way to take someone so close to you passing away, but you’re - it’s not going to get any _easier,_ honey,ignoring everyone trying to help you—” 

__

He feels hot, all of a sudden. At first he thinks it’s just some sort of misplaced shame, but given how his body seems to wind up with tension, it’s also some sort of frustration at his mom talking to him like this like it’s all so simple. 

__

“I’m _fine,_ ” he interrupts, much more sharply than he had the first time. “I’m - mom, it’s been months,now. I’m - it’s awful what happened, but I’m over it, okay?” 

__

She’s looking at him, searching, and her expression sort of slackens again, and despite how gently she’s speaking to him it only makes everything so much worse. “Evan, you don’t have to be like that, I.. I know that he meant a lot to you, and—” 

__

“ _No he didn’t!”_ The coil in him tightens so much that it snaps, the words coming out ugly and loud. 

__

It effectively shuts both of them up. Even despite the fact that his blood was all of a sudden burning hot in his veins, Evan couldn’t help the very brief moment of horror that he’d actually said that out loud. 

__

Brief being the key word. “Jared wasn’t a huge part of my life before, okay, you know that, so why would he be now? He’s been dead for _months_ , and it’s not like we were even that close, I - he wasn’t even that good of a friend to me!” Like his veins, his eyes start to burn. “He was mean, and he didn’t like me, and _I_ didn’t really like _him_ , we were only ever friends because you and Deanna are friends, okay, so - it’s - it’s really sad, what happened, but I’m not - I’m not _‘torn up’_ over it, I can have problems without them all going back to _Jared_ , okay?!” 

__

It’s bullshit, a lot of that is. His mom literally consoled him from a Jared-related panic attack the day he went back to school, but that could’ve just been a one-time thing, right? Misplaced guilt? The rest of what he said could, in theory, be true. 

__

At first, the look on his mom’s face equates almost to, like.. shock. Maybe likewise to how he felt for a second, horror. But then it shifts a little to something else, confusion, and maybe not quite _anger_ but something close in the same sense that it’s a very sudden and surprising reaction that Evan didn’t quite expect. 

__

“How are you - why are you _acting_ like this?” She asks, and it’s too genuinely spoken through her mix of unreadable emotions that it makes Evan want to sob in frustration. 

__

“I’m not acting like _anything,_ okay, I - I’m not gonna sit here and claim, claim to be upset over something that I’m not—” 

__

“You’re doing a _project_ for him!” 

__

_That_ stops Evan. 

__

“I - you did a _speech,_ you gave this, this whole speech about how much he meant to you!” She shakes her head, a somewhat hysterical, humorless laugh leaving her, and since when did they both stand up? “And I’m - I’m gonna push aside the fact that you did this and you didn’t tell me about it at all, that I had to learn all of this from Dee because you clearly weren’t ever planning on telling me why you’d been spending all this time at the school all of a sudden, but if he didn’t matter to you, then why would you be doing this club in his name?!”

__

Evan’s breath catches in his throat, and he ignores the pain in his chest to just keep covering his bases, because he can’t, he _can’t_ do this right now. “It’s not _just_ for Jared! My - my friend wanted to do this club, it’s about awareness for mental illness, it’s - again, not _everything_ is about _Jared,_ oh my God—” 

__

“Which friend? Is this _Connor,_ or someone else I don’t know about?” She says, cooly, and it serves as another blow. “That’s the one who’s apparently been your friend for a year, _Jared’s_ friend for a year, right? Like, who _is_ he—” 

__

“His name was on my _cast_ , are _you kidding me?!”_

__

That sets her back - she blinks several times, a brief flash of horror settling on her face at the fact that she hadn’t noticed something like that. “His name was..?” 

__

Looking back, he knows exactly why she hadn’t noticed. Everything with Jared’s death and his funeral and his _mom_ had, understandably, been distracting on its own, and even after, his mom had to snag so many extra shifts to make up for the week of work she took off to help with everything. She very well just.. could of _not_ noticed. She dealt with so much, the last thing she probably wanted to see was her son’s accidental injury at work which was costing her more money on top of everything else. 

__

But now, in real time, his breaths are coming out in uncontrolled little almost-wheezes. He takes a step back, away from her, pressing a palm flat against his cheek and comes to the realization that he really, really needs to get out of here. “It doesn’t matter,” he croaks. “It - I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about - about the club, I didn’t think it was important, I didn’t want to bother you about it,” he can feel his hand starting to shake where he still has it pressed against his face. “It’s - stuff with Jared was complicated when I gave that speech, okay, that - it was back in _September,_ everything felt more complicated, I’m fine _now_ with it, can I - I’m, I really don’t want to talk about this anymore—”

__

“Evan, please—” She’s desperate for something, Evan doesn’t know what, but it causes the tears that were already welling in his eyes to roll down his face. He doesn’t have any answers for her. He doesn’t have any answers for _him._

__

“No, I don’t.. I..” He tries to repeat himself, but now he’s crying and his voice shakes when he tries to speak and it’s so _embarrassing_ that he doesn’t try to make the words come out right. He at least can’t see her face as clearly through his tears, but he does see her starting to walk towards him, to which he only can wipe harshly at his face before he’s turning away from her and scrambling to get out of the kitchen.

__

He narrowly avoids tripping over his own feet making his way upstairs, and he doesn’t even bother turning on his bedroom light once he’s inside with the door slammed shut behind him. He listens for following footsteps that never come. Not that he can hear much over the sound of his own shuddering breaths. 

__

It doesn’t matter if he’s climbing into bed at 7pm - it’s not like he’s going to sleep soon, if at all tonight. Even if sleep would’ve been a much more desirable option than sobbing himself sick underneath his mess of blankets mulling over the fact that he didn’t _know_ what was true and what wasn’t about what he’d said about Jared. 

__

_Why are you acting like this,_ his mother had asked and _are you alright_ Alana asked and _are you okay today_ Connor asked as if Connor wasn’t politely ignoring already that Evan hasn’t been okay in months, and Alana wasn’t already aware that Evan was fucked up, and his mom knowing for years now that everything about him was so upsettingly wrong and made no sense so really, _really,_ this all should’ve came with no surprise. 

__

The last coherent, real string of thoughts he remembers having that night is about wishing that either the railings on the Driving Park Bridge or the trees in Ellison Park had been taller. 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

One of Jared’s biggest pet peeves that he had with Evan - when they had hung out enough for Jared to have specific qualms with a mannerism Evan did for it to be noticeable - was him pacing. He always complained that Evan pacing made him anxious, which was funny in the sense that Evan was pacing because _he_ was already anxious. A feedback loop, of sorts. 

__

Of course, that doesn’t matter now, but the fact that he has this thought at all as he’s compulsively pacing the length of his room only proves to push Evan closer to losing his fucking mind for today. 

__

It’s already been a bad day. It’s not going to take much. 

__

And on that thought, as Evan turns around to walk to the other side of his room, he realizes that Jared is (has been?) watching from next to his window. 

__

He raises a brow at Evan when he abruptly stops. “Oh no, by all means, keep going. S’not like I can stop you, now.” 

__

It’s stupid, but Evan’s at the point now where that alone is almost enough to make him break down. 

__

Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Evan only shakes his head, moving to his bed instead of to the other side of his room, and tentatively lowering himself to sit on the edge of it. Shuts his eyes. Hopes that when he opens them, Jared will be gone. 

__

He’s not, unsurprisingly. Also unsurprising is that Evan’s eyes are wet. 

__

“Y’know,” Jared starts to say as he walks back into Evan’s line of sight. “if you cared this much when I was still around, we probably wouldn’t be in this mess.” 

__

There’s a lot to unpack from that sentiment. A lot to choose from. 

__

“ _We?”_ Evan chokes out once he decides. “ _We_ wouldn’t be in this—?! There is no _we!”_ He shakes his head again, too much, almost intentionally trying to agitate the already present cry-headache he’s had for the past, like, three days. “You can’t - it’s just me here! I’m not - you’re not _here,_ you aren’t here, you’re gone, it’s only _me_ , that’s the—!” 

__

He gets it. Why Jared’s expression remains unchanged. 

__

And when Jared sees that Evan gets it, the corner of his mouth quirks up. Not in a self-satisfied way at all. It’s bitter. Numb. 

__

Evan is only left staring at him, mouth still hanging open. He grapples for words uselessly for a moment. 

__

Not that he needs to say anything at all. At least out loud.

__

It’s only him. 

__

It’s only _ever_ been him.

__

“..that's. That’s the problem,” Evan finishes the thought finally, despite there being no need for him to. (Not that there was ever.) 

__

“Isn’t that something.” Jared says. _(‘Jared’.)_

__

“I..” 

__

There’s no further point to be made. Evan blinks, takes a moment to wipe already irritated eyes with his hoodie sleeve, and when he looks back up, Jared is gone. 

__

That’s.. just been a constant, though. Jared’s _been_ gone. Evan knows this. 

__

“Yeah,” Evan mutters out loud to no one. “It’s something.” 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

_@ConnorMurphy [11:24pm]_

__

u didnt strike me as the drinking type 

__

or rlly the doing anything illegal type 

__

_@ev.hansen [11:28pm]_

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that’s a fair judgement

__

i don’t often?

__

the last time i drank was probably like a year or two ago now

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_@ConnorMurphy [11:28pm]_

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its been forever since i have

__

idk ive always just liked being high more

__

_@ev.hansen [11:29pm]_

__

jared used to say the same thing but like opposite

__

that being drunk was better than being high

__

_@ConnorMurphy [11:31pm]_

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its ok to be wrong sometimes 

__

anyway that is not to say i wont get drunk w u if u were like actually serious lol 

__

evn tho its probably like morally wrong in some way for me to drink ur trauma liquor

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_@ev.hansen [11:32pm]_

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please don’t call it that 

__

_@ConnorMurphy [11:34pm]_ what would u prefer me calling the liquor ur dead ‘friend’ with whom u have really complicated unhealthy feelings w left behind in ur closet , thus enticing u 2 drink when u havent gotten drunk w anyone else b4 

__

_@ev.hansen [11:36pm]_

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u aren’t funny

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and u don’t have to call it anything

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_@ConnorMurphy [11:36pm]_

__

booooo 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

“So are you _usually_ a sad drunk?” 

__

Evan laughs weakly, unconvincingly, as Connor takes the bottle they’ve been passing back and forth away from him. “Not from what I remember, no.” 

__

Gingerly turning his head - it was pounding already, and he was _far_ from being hungover yet - he looks over at Connor, who is currently sitting cross legged a couple of feet away from where Evan is lying down on the floor. Evan can’t tell if Connor’s _also_ drunk or not - he’s since made a comment about how he definitely cannot drive home and he’s taken a fair amount of swigs from the bottle, however he seems unfazed and no less coherent than usual. Which honestly is all sorts of unfair, but whatever.

__

Connor frowns at him after a moment. “How are you doing?” 

__

Evan pauses, even though it’s not like he really has to think about it. “Not, uh. Not great.” 

__

“Ah.” 

__

For as calloused and standoffish and cold as Connor acts (and sometimes is), Evan has also learned that he’s endearingly awkward. In a different way than Evan is, in a way that’s, like. Less painful to witness. Although Evan isn’t looking at him, he can feel Connor’s eyes on him, mulling on how to proceed with whatever he wants to say. Evan isn’t sure if it’s because he’s learned to expect certain things that Connor does or if it’s the alcohol, but the few seconds of quiet while Connor decides what to do isn’t horribly unpleasant. 

__

“D’you, like..” Connor eventually finds his voice, clearing his throat a little. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

__

“I don’t..” Evan groans a little as he sits up, shifting so he can sit with his back against the side of his bed. “I don’t know what.. what to say?” 

__

“That’s okay, too,” Connor says with a little shrug, tipping his head back and taking a drink from their shared bottle. He grimaces, briefly, kind of shaking himself a little after he sets the bottle back down. “You don’t _have_ to. Just. Putting the idea out there.” 

__

Evan sits on the idea for several minutes as they fall into comfortable quiet again. Fixates his gaze across the room to where the paint is slightly chipped away in the space between the baseboard and the wall (it wasn’t really chipped, he doesn’t think - just subparly painted by his mom a lifetime ago when they first moved into this house). Occasionally, he’ll hear Connor take another drink (Evan assumes he’s been cut off for tonight, which was fair enough, but. Damn).

__

Maybe it’d be good to, like. Say some things out loud. Especially when inhibitions were more or less just a suggestion, currently. 

__

Connor calling him out instead of Evan calling himself out would be a nice change of pace, probably. 

__

“I miss him,” is naturally the first thought that makes its way out there. 

__

Connor glances over at him, brows raised. He.. probably hadn’t been expecting Evan to actually take him up on an offer that he’d refused a hundred times before. After he blinks a few times, he frowns a little. “Yeah?” Evan appreciates that he doesn’t bother asking who Evan was talking about. They knew. 

__

“Yeah,” Evan agrees slowly. “I. I miss him.” He said it once already, but it doesn’t make the words feel any less dense. He draws his knees up to his chest. “Even though I shouldn’t.”

__

“Who says you shouldn’t?” 

__

_Me,_ Evan wants to say. _Jared, if he was here._

__

“I just.” Evan shakes his head. “I don’t have any real reason to.” 

__

“What do you mean?” 

__

“He was an asshole,” Evan says with a weak, flat scoff of a laugh. “And we didn’t - we weren’t close, we hadn’t been for _years_. I don’t know him at all, feels like. I had no idea that he was, was.. feeling. How he did. At the end. Because we don’t talk, we hadn’t talked all summer..” He trails off. 

__

Connor waits a second before saying anything, just in case Evan has anything else to add. He doesn’t. “But you used to be close to him.” 

__

Evan shrugs. 

__

“I feel like if..” Connor frowns, furrowing his brow a little. “If you _were_ better friends at one point, you’re still gonna, like. I dunno. Feel some sort of attachment to him.” He paused for a second, before scoffing. “And you knew him your whole _life,_ dude. That’s. I mean, regardless of anything, that’s definitely something to be messed up over.” 

__

It is, indeed, something he’s messed up over. Still. 

__

“I..” Evan sighs, closing his eyes and tilting his head back against the bed. “I don’t even remember what it was like. Being close to him.” 

__

“From what you’ve told me, it seems like it was a while ago.” 

__

It _was_ a while ago.

__

Evan has vague memories. 

__

Being way too codependent on each other when they were little because neither of them really understood how to talk to the other kids, Jared always insisting on holding his hand because he thought Evan would get lost otherwise. Constant scraped knees, one of them crying when the other got hurt or was sad or sick or _anything_ like some sort of weird empathetic feedback loop. Growing up, and grappling with the fact that growing up kind of _sucked._ Staying up stupid late to play video games or to sneak out to sit on Jared’s back porch while Evan made fun of his dumb music taste when Jared would quietly put one of his Spotify playlists on. Getting wine-drunk in Jared’s basement and laughing over nothing. 

__

The jokes getting meaner. 

__

Jared holding him at an arm’s length. Evan giving up on him. 

__

Half-assed conversations, obligatory interactions, ‘family friends’—

__

A hand grips his shoulder and Evan’s gaze snaps back over to the side. Connor stares back, eyes wide with concern. 

__

“You’re crying,” he points out a little uneasily, and. Ah. Yeah. He is. 

__

“I - shit, I’m sorry,” Evan immediately tries to squirm away from Connor’s touch, wiping harshly at his eyes. “Sorry, I don’t, I’m..” As always, he’s struggling for any words, let alone the right ones. 

__

After a moment, Connor sighs shakily, capping their bottle back and moving to stand up. “I think it’s, um. We should probably go to bed.” 

__

Probably. Evan pliantly lets Connor pull him back up to his feet. They go about getting changed and ready for bed in quiet. It doesn’t matter if it’s discomforting silence or not this time, because Evan isn’t present enough to notice either way. 

__

“There’s an air mattress in the top of my closet,” Evan eventually murmurs as he sits down on his bed. “If you, um. If you wanted.” 

__

“I’ll just take the couch,” Connor says with a yawn. “I’m pretty sure you’re in the headspace right now that if it’s dark and you see a boy sleeping on an air mattress next to your bed, you’re going to, like.. freak out.” 

__

Jared _had_ been the only one to ever use that air mattress, but still. Jesus Christ. “Okay.” 

__

Connor sort of awkwardly lingers in his doorway before nodding once. “Well. Night.” 

__

“G’night.” 

__

Evan watches as the other turns to head out, and quietly shuts the door behind him. And then his footsteps padding off down the stairs until Evan can’t hear them anymore. 

__

It still isn’t _quick_ , but being a little drunk at least somehow makes it easier for Evan to eventually fall asleep. 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

**[[You are viewing older messages.]]**

__

**__** _@TheInsanelyCool_JK [11/15/13]_

__

my mom isn’t gonna be home tomorrow night

__

you know what that means >:^) 

__

_@ev.hansen [11/15/13]_

__

omg you’re gonna play your music through the tv instead of your headphones??

__

_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [11/15/13]_

__

this is the kind of sarcasm that’s going to get u uninvited from the kleinman keggers, motherfucker 

__

_@ev.hansen [11/15/13]_

__

i

__

1\. i hate that, please never call it that again

__

2\. i’m not sure you know what a kegger is????

__

_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [11/15/13]_

__

r e g a r d l e s s 

__

if u find urself craving alc and my company, u know what the move is ~

__

_@ev.hansen [11/15/13]_

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i’ll be there, but only to make fun of you for calling it fucking ‘alc’

__

_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [11/15/13]_

__

>:^( 

__

_@ev.hansen [11/15/13]_

__

:)

__

i told you i’d be nicer to you if you stopped giving your emotes noses

_  
  
  
  
_

**[[You are viewing older messages.]]**

__

**__** _@ev.hansen [1/24/14]_

__

haha

__

fuck

__

_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [1/24/14]_

__

are you okay???

__

where did you go??

__

_@ev.hansen [1/24/14]_

__

bathroom

__

sorr y just

__

it was so loud afnd ppl kep t bumping into me and getign mad

__

_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [1/24/14]_

__

nonono oh my god i get it yeah

__

they haven’t even started the assembly yet, people are still being too fucking wild

__

it’s……. a lot i don’t blame you for ducking out

__

are you okay? 

__

_@ev.hansen [1/24/14]_

__

i dont know

__

_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [1/24/14]_

__

you in the one on this floor or downstairs?

__

_@ev.hansen [1/24/14]_

__

this one

__

_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [1/24/14]_

__

ok give me like three minutes

__

_@ev.hansen [1/24/14]_

__

no wait are tou sure

__

its ok you dont have to

__

im just beign dumb and dramatic you dont havr to worry abt it

__

_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [1/24/14]_

__

im already in transit

__

its ok seriously 

__

just breathe for a sec

_  
_

— 

_  
_

_Evan has been here before. Once._

__

_The night (morning?) air is sharp against his heaving lungs - and why is he heaving, why is he so out of breath? - and the only thing he can hear over the sound of his heart thudding out of control in his ears is rushing water passing underneath him._

__

_He spins, trying to find the sign, even though he knows exactly where he is. He sees it in the distance, and he can’t read it, but it’s the same one that he definitely remembers having seen before._

__

_Driving Park Bridge Ave._

__

_He shouldn’t be here._

__

_“Hello?” Evan calls out, though he’s not sure why or to who. Connor isn’t with him this time, obviously, trying to aggravatedly relight his cigarette. It’s just Evan. His voice bounces off the empty bridge, a quiet echo hanging in the air._

__

_But then:_

__

_“..Evan?”_

__

_He gets a reply after a moment._

__

_Evan immediately whips his head towards the source of the noise, eyes falling on a silhouetted shape several yards away, standing halfway down the bridge, on the wrong side of the rails. They’re short, but tall enough to have climbed over the bars. There’s a glint on their face from what looks like the streetlights casting a glare on their glasses._

__

_There’s a few seconds that pass by in which Evan can only stare in disbelief because no, that_ isn’t _, that_ can’t _be, but the stilled-shock is temporary as his heart starts back up, panic crawling up from his throat._

__

_“J-Jared!” That comes out, too, and Evan is rushing to the rails._

__

_Jared watches him approach, still. Closer up, he looks less like a shadow and more like a boy, though his eyes are much darker than they ought to be. His hair is slightly askew from the wind._

__

_He’s wearing the same outfit from the first day of school._

__

_(Why does Evan remember exactly what he wore from the first day of school?)_

__

_“What..” Evan’s voice is trembling horribly. It feels like he’s going to throw up. “What are..”_

__

_When Evan doesn’t actually get the question out, Jared kind of just nods, humming quietly. “Yeah, hi. Fancy seeing you here.”_

__

_“What are you doing here?” Evan forces himself to get out, and Jared grins in that self-deprecatingly way he always did. Shrugs._

__

_“Oh. Just hangin’.”_

__

_He grips the rail and carefully turns himself so he’s facing Evan, but doesn’t make a move to climb back over the railing. It’s a nerve-wracking ordeal, at least for Evan, whose hands are itching to reach out and grab him._

__

_“What are_ you _doing here?” Jared asks him. And, almost as if he had read Evan’s mind from earlier, says a little quieter, “You shouldn’t be here. Go home.”_

__

_“You don’t have to do this,” Evan chokes out, and Jared’s expression slips._

__

_“..What?”_

__

_“Come home_ with _me,” Evan reaches out to grab the rail just right next to where Jared’s hands are. “Please. I don’t - you can’t do this.”_

__

_Jared just watches him for a second, critically. Like he’s searching. His expression softens a little after a moment. “Shit. So you know, then.”_

__

_“Just -_ please, _get off there_ — _”_

__

_“I mean, that was in fact the goal,” Jared says, grin falling flat as he leans backwards with his hands still gripping the rail. It proves to make Evan flinch, and he immediately slaps his hands on top of Jared’s in case he_ does _decide to let go._

__

_“You’re so -_ that’s not funny,” _Evan says hoarsely, shaking his head, because this can’t be happening, he can’t let it happen. “C-Come on. Please. I’m serious.”_

__

_“Why?”_

__

_“Wh..” His hands loosen a little on Jared’s. “_ ‘Why’ _?”_

__

_Jared nods, expression unchanging._

__

_What kind of_ question _was that?_

__

_And because Jared doesn’t elaborate further, Evan shakes his head, a sort of mixed laugh-sob leaving him. “What do you_ mean, ‘ _why’?”_

__

_“Why shouldn’t I let go?”_

__

_The words smack him directly in the middle of his chest, bringing back that feeling of fighting to get air._

__

_No. No, no no.._

__

_“You.. you..” Evan can’t stop his words from shaking as badly as he is. “Your mom, she - she’ll miss you_ —” 

__

_“She’ll get over it.”_

__

_“That’s not_ —” 

__

_“Let me rephrase.” Jared’s tone this whole time hasn’t been unkind, which almost makes it worse. He pulls his hands out from underneath Evan’s trembling ones and rests them on top. “Tell me why_ you _don’t want me to jump.”_

__

_There’s an inflection on ‘you’ that Evan really, really could’ve gone without._

__

_His breath hitches. “W-What? Me? Why_ — _”_

__

_“Why would you care?” Jared interrupts him again, and Evan’s mouth clamps shut. “What reasons do you have that I shouldn’t?”_

__

_This isn’t fair. This_ isn’t _fair_ —

__

_“Again,” Jared looks at their hands, a bitter smile on his face. “what are you doing here, Evan?”_

__

_He wants out. This can’t be happening right now._

__

_“I..” He wants to wipe his fucking face because his face is wet because he’s crying and he’s never liked crying around Jared because it usually made Jared cry too, but at the same time he’s afraid of moving his hands, afraid of losing the one and possibly only chance he’ll ever have of feeling Jared again, and what the fuck, what does that mean, what does any of this_ mean _why can’t he just grab Jared and pull him over the fucking railing, why won’t his arms move to let him do that_ —

__

_Jared is watching him. Waiting._

__

_“You.. you’re my..” He sees Jared honest-to-God raise his eyebrows, almost like a nonverbal dare to finish that sentence. The rest of the words are obscured as Evan breaks down further into cries that are clearly falling on deaf ears._

__

_“I don’t.. I just..” He chokes on a sob, digging his fingers into the rail. “I just don’t_ — _I don’t have a-any reasons, okay, I just - I -_ please don’t _.”_

__

_He can’t see Jared’s face because Evan isn’t looking at him, is pointedly staring at their feet separated by the railing._

__

_“Please don’t,” he repeats, voice cracking. “I don’t - I don’t want you to, I - Jared, just_ —” 

__

_He feels Jared tap his hand a couple of times. Evan looks up at him to see him taking off his glasses with one hand, and moving to open Evan’s hand with the other._

__

_It’s easier to see that his eyes are wet without them._

__

_He looks too young to be standing on this fucking bridge._

__

_The plastic is cool against Evan’s hand. Jared closes his fingers around them._

__

_“This has never been about me, has it?”_

__

_Evan’s hands are no longer trapped by Jared’s, but he doesn’t try to wipe his eyes. What’s the point? “What?”_

__

_“Maybe it was a little, at the start, but..” Jared shakes his head, rubbing at one of his eyes. “I guess it doesn’t matter, actually.”_

__

_“No, wait, please don’t_ —! _”_

__

_Jared turns around._

__

_“No, STOP!”_

__

_And he dissolves into this probably pitiful sobbing, begging and begging the other boy not to jump, and Evan can’t make his arms move, can’t do anything but clutch onto his stupid fucking glasses and beg him to stay._

__

_There was no note, so naturally, there is no last phrase to hang onto either._

__

_He screams, his arm only unlocking after Jared was jumping, his fingers catching on the fabric of his shirt—_

__

__

The strangled noise he makes also follows him back into reality. 

__

Evan jerks up from where he’d been laying in his bed, gasping for air like he’d been submerged underwater as opposed to sleeping. (The fact that his face feels wet from tears and sweat at least makes that theory seem to check out.)

__

It takes much longer than it should for him to realize that he’d been dreaming, better yet the fact that he _wasn’t_ anymore. 

__

Shaking. He can’t stop _fucking_ shaking. 

__

Jared was dead. 

__

This wasn’t a recent development. He didn’t _just_ kill himself, Evan _hadn’t_ been there to witness it.

__

_I might as well have been._

__

It hurts much more this time around. 

__

Even though he should be fine. After all, Jared (‘Jared’) was right. Evan clearly had no reasons to tell him not to jump.

__

To let go. 

__

No reasons at all. None that mattered. 

__

So..

__

_“Stop,”_ It’d been one of the last intelligible words he’d said in the dream, and now the first upon waking. He doesn’t know who he’s talking to - himself, his thoughts specifically, Jared (but weren’t those all the same?). Maybe it was agreement in terms of what his course of action should be. To stop. 

__

His throat feels raw from crying, but that hasn’t stopped him before.

__

Maybe Jared had been right about that, too. That none of this mattered, or should’ve, anyway.

_  
_

_—_

_  
_

**[[You are viewing older messages.]]**

__

**__** _@TheInsanelyCool_JK [12/9/14]_

__

listen you were being needy and it was weird? lol

__

it’s really not that serious 

__

_@ev.hansen [12/9/14]_

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what are you talking about?

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_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [12/9/14]_

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you can’t keep following me around like a lost puppy

__

or, like. i guess you CAN but i’d prefer if you didn’t

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_@ev.hansen [12/9/14]_

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that’s.. not what was happening

__

i’m so confused

__

seriously, what is your problem?

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_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [12/9/14]_

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jesus christ evan. just forget that i said anything.

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_@ev.hansen [12/9/14]_

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no?

__

like, did i do something..??

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_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [12/9/14]_

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really don’t have time for this rn 

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_@ev.hansen [12/9/14]_

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ok well, when will you?

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_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [12/9/14]_

__

i’ll let you know when my schedule opens up 

_  
_

**__** _—_

_  
_

“My brother is worried about you.” 

__

It’d be oversimplifying it, probably, to say that Zoe specifically was what spooked him, but it’s funnier to think that he keeps getting accidentally scared by Zoe instead of being so twitchy lately that _anyone_ trying to get his attention will elicit some sort of flinch response from him. 

__

It’s kind of like an inside joke between them. Except he’s not sure if Zoe thinks it’s funny like he does. She probably just thinks Evan is crazy or something _—_

__

“Uh.. did you hear me?” 

__

Evan hard-blinks and then nods. Too much. “Yes, yeah. Sorry. Was, um.” He glances briefly down at the laptop still sitting in his lap. “Checking that I got everyone for attendance. So.” 

__

Zoe starting to come to the YWBF meetings had been a bit of a surprise, honestly. Evan still wasn’t quite used to putting tallies by her name or hearing her speak up occasionally during discussions. He’d known that she, like. Supported it, obviously. She had been at the assembly at the beginning of the year. But she didn’t start actually showing to the meetings themselves until a couple of weeks ago. Evan just figured that she was busy with band, or that the group therapy thing wasn’t for her either. 

__

“Anyway,” he makes himself continue, because it’s going to be embarrassing if he gets caught up in his thoughts a second time with Zoe here. “um. I. He’s worried about me?” 

__

She nods, side-stepping one of the last people ducking out the classroom. “Yeah.” 

__

It makes sense, in theory. Connor has sort of been the only one he’s been talking to, like.. indepthly, about anything. And even then, the ‘depth’ of that was probably, like. Wading depth. At best. 

__

“I.. did he tell you to tell me that, or..?” Evan asks, brows furrowing a little in confusion. 

__

“Oh, no, he doesn’t know that I’m saying anything to you about it,” Zoe says with a little laugh, shaking her head. “We were talking about stuff. He kind of.. said it in his own way? That he was worried?”

__

Evan can feel his face burn a little. He tries not to think too hard about what it was exactly that Connor could’ve told his sister. 

__

She must pick up onto that somewhat from his silence because she blinks a couple of times and is quick to clarify, “It was nothing bad, what he told me! Or, like. Personal. I promise. He just said that you seemed down and he didn’t know how to help?” 

__

That was one way of putting it. “O-Oh.” 

__

“Yeah, so..” She awkwardly scuffs the heel of her sneaker against the floor, shrugging. “I just thought you should know? That.. I don’t know. He’s thinking of you.” 

__

For a lack of anything else to do, Evan weakly smiles. It feels a little too much like a grimace, though. “Thank you for, um. Telling me, then.”

__

“Yeah, sure,” Zoe replies, though her smile looks a lot more genuine than his. She gathers her backpack from one of the desks, probably getting ready to leave, and Evan does the same, fumbling hands working on getting his laptop back into his bag and picking it up by one of the straps to shrug it onto his shoulders. 

__

She lingers in the doorway of the classroom for a second, watching him. When he glances back over, she’s, like.. _looking_ at him, almost searching. Evan could say that he didn’t really think about Zoe in _that_ way, not anymore, but it still kind of makes his nerves stand on end when she’s looking at him like that. 

__

“It’s really different seeing my brother act like how he is, now,” she says, softly. “since he’s been more open about being your friend.” 

__

“Y-Yeah..?” 

__

“Yeah.” She manages another small smile. “But in a good way, obviously. I’m really glad you guys are friends.” 

__

_We aren’t,_ his brain reminds him. _It’s only because of a stupid lie I told in the beginning._

__

“Me too,” he says quietly. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

**[[You are viewing older messages.]]**

__

**__** _@TheInsanelyCool_JK [6/2/16]_

__

[link attached]

__

did you ghost write this 

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_@ev.hansen [6/2/16]_

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no

__

i don’t use reddit

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_@TheInsanelyCool_JK [6/2/16]_

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..that’s why it was a joke, dumbass

_  
_

— 

_  
_

So, his first mistake was definitely assuming that his lies would go undetected when he a.) worked with someone smart enough to figure out his bullshit like Alana, and b.) wasn’t doing a good job at upholding the lies. Especially as of late. 

__

His second one was accepting Alana’s call while Connor was over. 

__

_“I’m literally only asking you to_ talk _to me, Evan,”_ Alana says, her exasperation crystal clear despite her not being in the room. 

__

Evan eyes Connor, who is sitting across the room in his desk chair, picking at his chipped nail polish and pointedly avoiding looking at Evan. Understandably, he’s probably also uncomfortable, but. Fuck. 

__

“What do you want me to say?” 

__

_“Originally? I wanted to know why you’ve suddenly just stopped caring about the club_ — _”_

__

“That never happened—”

__

_“But_ now? _I’m under the impression that there’s something else going on.”_

__

Evan feels something in his chest tighten painfully. He knew this was going to happen eventually, but that doesn’t make him wish any less that it didn’t _have_ to. “What are you talking about?” 

__

_“So much is inconsistent with you,”_ She says, and. Here it is. _“You told me at the vigil that you and Connor only recently started being friends, then told everyone else that you, him, and Jared had been friends for over a year. You acted like you were all for YWBF when it started, but as soon as that first month or two passed, you were just_ done. _And anytime anyone even_ talks _about Jared, you get all defensive and upset and you refuse to talk to_ anyone _about it_ —”

__

Naturally, Evan decides to politely ignore the entire beginning of her argument - “Sorry for not - not wanting to talk extensively about my dead friend?” He scoffs, trying to ignore the guilt twisting around in his stomach the moment the words are leaving his mouth. “I’m sorry that it’s not _easy_ for me to, just, capitalize, or make other people feel, feel better about themselves, because—”

__

_“Are you kidding?”_

__

“That’s all the club is, isn’t it? Because you’re - you made it because Jared died, and felt some need to, like, _make_ something of it—” 

__

_“You_ know _that’s not why I did it!”_ Her voice cracks a little, and Evan pretends the sound doesn’t put a lump in his throat. _“And even if I did, this isn’t about me, Evan, don’t deflect this back to me, this is_ literally _the problem_ —” 

__

“I don’t have to explain my feelings about Jared to you, it’s - it’s - it really just isn’t any of your business—”

__

_“Evan, just_ stop, _okay, I already know that you’re lying about everything!”_

__

..While he expected her to eventually know, he did _not_ expect it to come out like.. that. He’s left blinking wide-eyed at the screen, lips parted, because fuck fuck fuck _what_ is happening? What? 

__

“What..” He breathes out, a nervous, humorless laugh coming right after. “What are you talking about?” 

__

_“I already had my suspicions, but,”_ She sighs harshly, shaking her head. _“Connor told me everything.”_

__

That’d explain why Connor is still studying Evan’s floor instead of looking up. 

__

Evan can only gape, eyes flickering between his computer screen and Connor. And his mouth moves around words, but nothing comes out. 

__

Connor _told_ her? 

__

And what exactly was _‘everything’_? 

__

Alana’s expression kind of slackens in the midst of Evan’s horror, and she sighs again. _“Look, Evan, it’s.. fine, okay, I’m not.. I’m just - I’m confused. I don’t understand why you lied about being close to Jared or about him being friends with Connor. And now I’m.. I’m even_ more _confused as to why you’ve been acting the way that you have.”_

__

Right. 

__

Essentially - _I don’t understand why you’ve been moping when you have nothing to be moping over_ , right? 

__

Evan has been confused about the same goddamn thing, but. Again. It kind of sounds worse coming out of someone else’s mouth, and he’s noticeably gotten _paler_ in the corner of the screen where he can see himself and he.. he really doesn’t want to talk to Alana about this. Or anyone, for that matter. 

__

“I’m.. that’s..” He tries, and he can only see the disappointment on Alana’s face morph into _pity_. 

__

_“I just want to understand what’s going on with you. It’s.. worrying, from what I’ve seen, from what I already_ know. _It’s not_ —” 

__

“I have to go,” Evan cuts her off because no, no he can’t. This is too much. 

__

_“No, Evan, hold on_ —!” 

__

He hits ‘end call’ and slams his laptop shut. 

__

The room is suddenly too, too quiet, the only sound being Evan struggling to breathe regularly. 

__

And it’s stupid, right, because he _knows_ this doesn’t have to be a big deal, that the lies weren’t big enough for anything to be impacted by this, that Alana wasn’t disowning him and that she cared too much about the club existing to expose him even if she _was_ angry with him - but that doesn’t stop his hands from trembling from where they’re still pressed against the front of his laptop, his chest squeezing inward like a vice. 

__

It’s just the idea of someone else knowing how pathetic he is, right? He knows how fucking _sad_ this must look from another person’s perspective, that he has to _lie_ about being closer friends with some dead kid for..

__

For what? Why was he _doing_ this? 

__

There are reasons, he knows that there are, but his mind is spinning too fast right now for him to remember and he feels like he’s going to be sick—

__

Connor clears his throat from across the room. Evan’s gaze snaps up to him. 

__

Oh, right. Connor told her. That was.. 

__

“Why would you _tell her?”_ He suddenly snaps, finally having the mind to register that Connor kind of.. betrayed him, right? 

__

He can’t read Connor’s expression - he’s at least looking back at him, now, but his brows are furrowed and there’s something guarded about how he’s speaking. “Listen, Ev, I can explain—” 

__

“You and Alana aren’t even - you aren’t even _close,_ I don’t—”

__

“We talk more outside of just the lunch table, you know,” Connor says, agitation slipping into his tone now. “She came to me and asked me what was wrong with you because she was _worried_ about you, okay, because you’ve been acting weird in your club and with her, she apparently tried reaching out to you but you wouldn’t tell her anything—” 

__

“That doesn’t mean you had to tell her about - about the _lies!_ Who is that helping?!” Evan shoves the laptop to the side and stands up from the bed, shaking his head, trying to pretend he wasn’t catering dangerously on having another fucking panic attack in front of Connor. That was literally the last thing he needed right now. “I don’t understand—”

__

“Dude, she just wants to _help you,_ ” Connor replies, and something about him trying to act like this _wasn’t_ so out of left field is making Evan’s blood boil. 

__

“There was a reason Alana didn’t know! She’s - she is gonna _talk_ about it, other people might find out, and now she’s just going to think I’m this sad fucking.. _loser,_ and—” 

__

“No she’s not—” 

__

“How would _you_ know?!” 

__

“I - you need to _calm_ the fuck down, first of all,” Connor says, warningly, something in his eyes almost sharp now. “You do realize how, like, _pointless,_ the lying is, right?” 

__

He stands up from the desk chair, taking a step towards Evan. “Everyone knows that you’re going through _something,_ but you’re just - you’re doing this kind of, I don’t know, _woe is me_ kinda thing? And I get it, I’m not trying to put you down because of that, I’m just—”

__

“You don’t get it,” Evan says, somehow both through grit teeth and with a tremor in his voice at the same time. 

__

Connor just.. kind of blinks, and then rolls his eyes, keeps going. “People are trying to help you. Seriously. Thing is, you just have to _let_ them—”

__

“Telling Alana isn’t _helping_ me, what are you talking about?” Evan manages through a choked up laugh, hands tightening into fists at his sides because he can’t fiddle with hem of his shirt right now, he _needs_ Connor to take him seriously, because clearly he _hasn’t_ up to this point. “I don’t _need_ your help, there’s nothing—”

__

“You’re really going to stand there and tell me that nothing’s wrong?” 

__

“There’s - I.. there isn’t..” He lets out a breath, shaking his head. This really wasn’t happening, why, _why_ was this happening? “It’s not anything.. real, okay, what I’m - it’s personal, it’s fucking - it’s complicated, I don’t know how else I can - can make that.. _clear,_ to you—” 

__

“What does that even _mean_ —”

__

“It _means_ that there was no reason for you to tell Alana and there’s - I don’t _want_ anything from either of you!” 

__

Connor scoffs at him, almost in disbelief. “You’re, like. Actually angry that we’re trying to be here for you.” 

__

The oversimplification of it only proves to make Evan want to _scream,_ as well as how calmly Connor says it - he hates it, because Connor’s trying to make him feel like a stupid fucking kid throwing a tantrum when that’s _not_ what’s happening, he has the right to be upset about this, everything is _falling apart_ and who is Connor to lecture him on _anything_ —

__

Connor sighs, exasperated, pushing his bangs out of his face. “Look, Evan, I—”

__

“You said the lies were pointless?” Evan suddenly asks him.

__

And somehow, that is what makes Connor stop, makes him _shut up._ He kind of just blinks, staring back at Evan carefully, waiting. 

__

“Because, because if the lies are so _pointless,_ then,” Evan gestures to Connor. “What are you still doing here?” 

__

“I..” Connor starts, something shifting in his expression as he visibly tenses. “..what?” 

__

“The only reason,” Evan starts, and something in the far, far back of his mind is trying to pull on the brakes already, knowing that he probably shouldn’t say what he’s going to say. “that you’re even _here,_ is because of the lies, right?” He scowls, his hands still tightly closed and his nails digging into his palms. “We only - we’re only talking and sitting at lunch together because I - because of what I told Jared’s mom, remember? So if the lies don’t - if they’re _pointless,_ then why do you - why are you _here?”_

__

Connor.. gapes at him, almost. He’s looking between each of Evan’s eyes, like he’s _waiting_ for something else because there has to be more to what Evan had to say (there’s not), working through something in his head. 

__

“We..” He breathes, before suddenly he’s cocking his head a little, eyes wide with something that looks wounded and angry and wildly overwrought all at once. “Because we’re FRIENDS?” 

__

Evan’s mouth opens uselessly, and. Oh. 

__

The feeling of regret is almost _immediate,_ because he can see Connor start to shake his head, and Evan can see him _thinking_ in real time, and it’s bad it’s bad why does Connor look so _hurt,_ he said that they were pretending to be friends in the beginning, right? Evan didn’t understand—

__

“Of course,” Connor hisses, his hands curling into fists. “no, of course you were— God, I should’ve _fucking_ known that it was never—” He’s taking a step back from Evan and no, _no,_ fuck, this isn’t what was meant to happen—

__

“Wait, _wait_ —” Evan’s backpedalling and stepping towards Connor, holding his hands up a little. “That’s n-not—” 

__

“No _, FUCK_ you,” Connor all but snarls back, and Evan flinches hard from the sound. “Fuck you, I shouldn’t have ever fucking trusted you from the _start._ I guess I just forgot that I was only some, some—” He gestures out with a hand, the movement sharp, a barked out laugh leaving him despite there being anything but a smile on his face. “ _pawn_ , in your messed up little game,” He grits his teeth, hair falling into his face again and his hand just as aggressively shoving it out of his eyes. Evan swears he hears his voice waver, just slightly. “your delusional fucking fantasy world.” 

__

“Connor,” Evan tries again, and he hates it, hates that he’s choked up because this isn’t about him it’s literally not about him why does he _always do this_ — 

__

_“So fucking stupid,”_ Connor growls to himself, spinning on his heel and making a beeline for the door. He snags his messenger bag on the way out. 

__

Evan is following several feet behind, but by the time he reaches the doorway of his room, he hears Connor spit back at him, “stay the _fuck_ away from me,” accompanied by his stomps down the stairs and the slamming of his front door behind him. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

**[[You are viewing the last messages sent in the thread. (last updated 8/22/16)]]**

__

**__** _@ev.hansen [8/22/16]_

__

oh my god oh mg god dude i fucked up

__

so long story short um

__

connor murphy is about to either a.) ruin my life or b.) kill me because i did something really really stupdi 

__

stupid**

__

and i dont know what to do??????

_  
_

—

_  
_

This time, when Evan forgoes a coat to sit alone on his back porch, it’s because he wants to feel something _, anything_ that isn’t related to the war happening in his head right now. Even if that’s currently single-digit freezing weather. 

__

“That’s just, like. Actual self harm. That’s what you’re doing right now. You know that, right?” 

__

Evan buries his face deeper into his knees, arms tightening around them. 

__

And he hears Jared sigh, hears him plop down on the porch step next to him, but Evan doesn’t look up, he hates fucking looking at him, he hates what he _is,_ sometimes he’s convinced he hates what Evan _wishes_ he was. 

__

Evan decides to voice this to some extent. “Can you please go away?” 

__

“I dunno, can I?” 

__

Evan reluctantly lifts his head. He expects to see Jared, like, giving him a shit eating grin, but he genuinely looks just as exhausted as Evan does. 

__

Which. Maybe that actually makes sense. 

__

“This is _all_ on you,” Jared continues, “whenever you want to be done with this, we can be done.” 

__

“I want to be done,” Evan murmurs. 

__

“Awesome.” 

__

Jared doesn’t disappear, though. Obviously. 

__

“You’re still guilty,” Jared says with a sigh, and Evan doesn’t have to see him to hear the eye-roll in it. “for.. who knows what.” 

__

“Am I? Or do I - do I just _think_ that I am?”

__

Silence for a second. Jared shifts uncomfortably on the step. “You didn’t push me off the bridge, y’know.”

__

“No, but..” 

__

“So you have no reason to be guilty.” 

__

“ _No,_ that’s not _it,”_ Evan’s voice cracks easily, not that it really takes a lot anymore. “I just.. I..” 

__

“Is it for stringing all these people along?” Jared snaps, and Evan closes his mouth. “Or for - I don’t know, basing your identity these past few months on one big fucking lie, is that it? Because yeah, you are _guilty_ of doing those things—”

__

“I wanted it to be _true_ ,” Evan manages, the words pitifully hoarse. 

__

Jared just blinks at him, frown deepening. “Really.”

__

“ _Yes—_ ”

__

“But only after I died,” Jared laughs, bitter, cruel. “because you’re only just now seeing how similar we were. And.. I guess that makes you feel some type of way, huh?”

__

“I - what?” 

__

Jared snorts, shifting so he’s turned all the way towards Evan on the porch step. “Don’t play stupid with me. _Me,_ of anyone.” 

__

“I’m _.._ ”

__

“Remind me again _—_ how’d’ya break your _arm_ , Evan? Hm?” 

__

Evan grits his teeth, ducking his head back down again. “Stop, stop it, _stop—”_

__

“Oh yeah, you fell out of a tree. Just like I _fell_ off the bridge _—_ ”

__

“Shut _up!”_ The choking up feeling is familiar, but he hates it just as much as he always has. 

__

“See, the thing that had happened was, I caught you at a bad time,” Jared huffs out a little laugh. “You were already feeling sorry for yourself. Then I did the same thing that you tried, yeah? And the only difference is that you’re here and I’m not.” 

__

Evan has long been out of things to say. So he says nothing, he just tries to focus on going from hyperventilating to actual breathing, which is much more of a deliberate process when the air is this cold and this thin. 

__

“So.. maybe you can’t decide what exactly you’re grieving.” Humming lightly, Jared stands up. “Me. The fact that I succeeded and you didn’t. The fact that we _could’ve_ been the bestest buddies that you envisioned us being if we were.. I don’t know. Different people altogether.” 

__

Evan takes a shuddering breath, the cold on top of everything else finally starting to settle in. He hugs himself closer, shaking his head. “I - I really do wish we’d been closer, like we used to be, okay _—_ ” 

__

“Yeah, sure. It’s easier and it makes more sense to grieve someone you actually cared about prior to them dying.” 

__

Evan squeezes his eyes shut. That wasn’t _wrong,_ but, “That’s not - that’s not the only reason.” 

__

Jared just makes an uninterested bored noise, and then they’re both quiet again, minus Evan still kind of trying to control his breathing. 

__

It takes a while, but he eventually does. The tears still haven’t stopped, but he can make do with just that. He wipes his eyes with the cuff of his hoodie only to glance up after and see that Jared has moved to sit in front of him again. 

__

He’s sitting there only for the purpose of reminding Evan he’s still there, because he doesn’t say anything else when they lock eyes again. It’s probably a screwed up metaphor of some sorts. 

__

“It’s..” Evan’s voice comes out nearly a croak, and he clears his throat. Forces himself to keep looking at Jared. “I know it’s, that it’s selfish for me t-to want you back so bad, but..” 

__

There’s no malice in his voice when Jared mumbles, “No ‘but’. Full stop.” 

__

Maybe so. 

__

When Evan doesn’t try to refute that, Jared sighs, exasperated. “Okay, maybe, I dunno, you should start by getting out of your own dumb sad head. There are people outside of just me and you, y’know.” 

__

“Yeah, they’re all mad at me, though..”

__

“Oh my God, are you _five_?” 

__

Evan wants to laugh. Man, he _feels_ like it, especially as of late. Crying way too much over things that don’t matter. Talking to someone who isn’t there. 

__

“Jesus. I guess it makes sense that once you finally _get friends,_ you’re, like. Stupid. And you don’t know how to treat them, but _—_ ” 

__

“Kind of only going off of what, what it was like with you.” 

__

Jared blinks. “Which is..?”

__

“Basically nothing,” Evan mumbles, eyes dropping to his lap again. 

__

“Which is part of the problem, the fact that you keep coming back to _me_ for some reason even though I just told you to, like. _Not_ do that. _Anyway,_ ” Jared shakes his head. “Maybe stop being a weirdo who talks to yourself and start there.” 

__

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to them,” Evan breathes out shakily, hugging himself a little tighter. “E-Especially to Connor.” He wouldn’t be surprised if Connor never wanted to see him again, better yet _speak_ to him. 

__

“Sounds like you’re gonna have to figure it out.” 

__

Evan opens his mouth to say something else, but then a sharp gust of wind blows past them. Jared of course remains unaffected, but Evan feels another chill run down his body and decides that this is as good a place as any to finish this conversation. Shivering, he pulls himself back up to his feet. 

__

“I should go inside.” 

__

“Would be pretty stupid if after all this you died of pnemonia or something.”

__

Jared doesn’t follow him inside. When Evan goes to shut and lock the sliding door to the back porch, the other boy is gone altogether. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

Evan can’t help but also feel too much like a kid now, standing nervously in the doorway of his mom’s room. 

__

It takes a second for her to notice him there because she’d been in the process of making her bed, but once she turns around and sees him she blinks a couple of times in surprise. “Oh - hi.” 

__

“Hi.” Once she’s looking at him his eyes flicker to the floor. He scuffs a socked foot against the carpet. “You don’t - do you have classes tonight?” 

__

She shakes her head. “Nah. They actually cancelled because it’s too cold. Thank _God._ ” She laughs a little, but there’s clear confusion and a little bit of concern in her eyes. “Why? Is.. everything alright?”

__

Evan opens his mouth at the same time his mind reminds him _she’s going to hate you,_ and promptly shuts it again. It’s not like he can turn back now - and he doesn’t _want_ to, he knows that this is something he needs to do - but he just.. doesn’t know where to start. Or how. It all feels too awful to touch. 

__

After another moment, he can hear his mom’s bed creak, and when his gaze flickers back up she’s sitting down on it. She gently pats the space next to her. “Do you want to..?” 

__

And it’s barely anything, but the quiet acknowledgement that she knows that he’s trying to tell her _something_ and it’s just hard right now makes a lump form in his throat. After everything - all the stuff he’s been keeping from her and that one night in the kitchen and his ongoing shitty mood the past few months - she’s still way too patient for him, way more patient than he deserves. Letting go of a shaky breath, he just nods, and quietly pads across the room to sit next to her. 

__

He pulls his legs up to sit cross-legged and deliberately takes his time to, his brain trying to stall for as long as it could while he attempts to figure out a way to explain to his mom the absolute _hellscape_ that’s been going on in his head the past few months. And despite his best efforts, even several seconds after he’s been sitting and has since started to fidget with the fabric on his PJ bottom’s pant leg, he still can’t make the words he wants come out in a way that makes sense. 

__

Or, like. In a way that isn’t going to make her think he’s even more broken than she thought. 

__

At the same time, he’s tired of lying. 

__

It’s all conflicting and troubling and his mouth feels like _cotton_. 

__

There are a million ways to start this conversation, and none of them even remotely feel right. Saying that he missed Jared was an understatement - not meaning that he really _really_ missed Jared, but that Jared being gone has brought.. a whole, like. Range. Of feelings. And ‘missing him’ doesn’t feel like the right general term for it. Evan knew, too, that a lot of what was wrong probably wasn’t even centrically around Jared, but anything that was solely a problem with Evan’s stupid brain was even harder to talk about, it seemed. 

__

In short, it was just too, too much. 

__

And it’s not something that’s just dawned on him, he’s unfortunately been vaguely aware of that since before he was standing in his mom’s doorway. It just doesn’t seem to entirely process until _now,_ when he’s here and has told himself he was going to bare his soul to his mom because she deserves at least that after all these months of radio silence, but God is she finally going to be fully aware of how broken and bent up he was after this. She’s gonna realize that the reason therapy hasn’t been helping him was because he’s too far gone, he’s unfixable, and maybe always _has_ been without her knowing until now when he has to confirm it himself in the form of his selfish, ‘grief stricken’ delusions—

__

“You’re okay,” Mom suddenly assures him softly, her touch on his arm equally so, and Evan doesn’t know if it’s because he was tearing up that she said that or _because_ she said that he’d started to tear up, but. Regardless. His eyes burn. He keeps them pointed at his lap. 

__

“I’m sorry,” are, unsurprisingly enough, the first words he finds. 

__

And she doesn’t reply right away but he knows that she’s going to, so he shakes his head and keeps going, each word coming quicker and more choked up than the last. “You were right, about how I - I should’ve been talking to someone about Jared, and I _have_ been upset over everything, I still _am,_ but not for the reasons that I - that I _should_ be upset for? And I lied during the speech, Connor and I weren’t friends, and Jared and I were _barely_ friends which makes it even more stupid that I’m so upset that he’s gone and I’m - I _wish_ that my speech was true, though, and I wish that I was just sad that my friend was gone but it’s not like that because I never figured out how to, to process it, him being gone, and him - him _feeling_ like that, and me feeling like that _too,_ I hate that we had that in common but I’m here and he isn’t—“ 

__

“Evan—“

__

“—I just didn’t know how to, to explain it, without sounding awful? Because if you knew what I’ve been thinking, what I - what I’m really like — you’d, you would hate me, or think I’m messed up, or—“ 

__

“Evan, look at me,” suddenly she’s holding both of his hands in hers, and despite knowing that his face is screwed up from crying he hesitantly brings his head up. He swears he sees tears in his mom’s eyes. 

__

“I already know you,” she tells him. “and I love you.” 

__

And she repeats that she loves him, he thinks, at least a couple more times as he dissolves into hiccups and is suddenly clinging to her like a lifeline. His mom has seen him cry so much in the past year that it should be embarrassing, but.. this feels like the first time he’s been vulnerable in it, he thinks. With everything out there. It’s a huge enough weight off his chest that he can’t think too much about the fact that she’s kind of rocking him and her hands gently smoothing his messy hair back is making him come undone. 

__

It’s not any easier to unpack anything that he’d said to her than he thought it’d be, but he does his best. And again, she’s patient with him, maybe much more so than he deserves. 

__

“I had no idea that you were..” Mom swallows thickly, shaking her head. “That you were _hurting,_ like that, honey.” She pauses, squeezing Evan’s hand. “It’s no wonder everything with Jared, then, was..” 

__

“Yeah,” Evan croaks, staring down at their hands. “I. I didn’t.. nobody knew. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t know how to, especially knowing that he..” He trails off momentarily, and his mom squeezes his hand again. “..he. He felt the same way.” 

__

She mulls over that for a moment before scoffing quietly. “I still should’ve.. I should’ve _known,_ I should’ve noticed sooner that—“

__

“I never told you, there’s no way you could’ve known.”

__

“You shouldn’t have had to.” 

__

“It’s not like I made it easy..” he laughs, the sound still a little watery. “Or even, like. Totally understood it myself.” Another pause. He clears his throat a little. “I still don’t, really.” 

__

They fall into quiet again for a few moments. Gingerly, his mom lets go of one of his hands to put under his chin, guiding his head back up to look at her. She pulls the sleeve of her shirt over her other hand and swipes over one of his cheeks that are still wet. 

__

“You and Jared had a.. complicated, friendship. It makes sense that you’d have complicated feelings about him passing, too.” She moves to the other side of his face. “Especially with the summer you had..”

__

“I really do miss him,” Evan murmurs. And he means in the not selfish ways, which.. the fact that he has to specify that at all. God. “Even if nothing would’ve been different if he was still here.” 

__

“I know.” 

__

Evan sniffs, tilting his head back down again. “I used to think about..” He has to stop for a second, because his mom _just_ wiped his face off, he couldn’t cry again already. He shuts his eyes again. “I used to think about if. If something had happened to me, this summer. He’d probably still be here.” 

__

_“Hey—“_

__

“Sorry, sorry, just. Not like _that,_ but.” He interrupts her so he can get the thought out, because if he doesn’t while he’s sitting with her then it’ll just sit in his own brain unmentioned to anyone else. “I wonder if his mom would take it as - if she would’ve taken it as a sign to finally get more involved with him, if he would’ve finally talked about however he was feeling. If he’d..” He squeezes his eyes shut tighter. “If he would’ve. Cared. That _I_ was gone.” 

__

“He..” His mom breathes out slowly, and when Evan manages to get his eyes open she looks just as conflicted as he feels. “I mean, there’s.. there’s no way of knowing.” 

__

“There’s not.” 

__

“I’d want to say that, if anything, he might’ve felt the same way you do now. Just.. unsure, about a lot of things. And it would’ve been a wake up call for Deanna, I’m sure.” She shakes her head, suddenly reaching for his hands again. “But that’s not a hypothetical we’re going to look into, because you’re _here,_ and I wouldn't ever want to consider a world where you _weren’t,_ okay? _”_

__

So much for him not crying again. “Okay.”

__

She pulls him in for another hug, and he just as easily lets her. “I know it was hard,” she says softly, “but I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this.” 

__

“Me too,” he says back, the sound muffled into her shoulder. For the first time in a while, he really thinks he means it. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

“Thank you for, um. For letting me come over.” Evan has been in Alana’s room what felt like a hundred times, now, but it feels like the first time all over again with the sense that he’s intruding and shouldn’t be here. 

__

The fact that Alana probably isn’t nowhere near as happy for him to be here this time around as she was the first doesn’t really help. “Of course.”

__

“I know you’re probably busy with, with other things, but..” 

__

She finishes what she’s doing on her laptop, closes it, and reaches over to put it on her nightstand before looking back up at Evan expectantly. “What’s up?” 

__

Despite his nerves, Evan takes a deep breath and makes himself start. “I just.. I wanted to say sorry. For everything.” He wrings loosely at his fingers. “For abandoning the club all of a sudden, for acting weird, for.. for lying to you about everything with Jared. And for what I said a couple days ago on, um. On call. I was just.. upset, about a lot of things, and I took that out on you in the moment, and, I. I’m really sorry, Alana.” 

__

He can feel her eyes on her, but only after a few seconds can Evan bring his gaze back up. Something had since shifted in her expression, back to something more familiar and less nerve-wracking. 

__

“I was really worried about you, you know.” 

__

“I know.” 

__

“I wasn’t..” She shakes her head a little. “I was never mad at you. Even when Connor told me everything, my initial thought wasn’t even to be upset that you lied to me or anyone else, it was to worryover _why_ you felt like you had to tell everyone this elaborate story about how close you and Jared were.” She frowns, a little pinch between her brows. “And it made how you were acting these past couple months even more confusing. I was under the impression that you were grieving, still.” 

__

“I was, I think?” Evan says with a weak laugh. “I don’t.. it’s. It’s so much.” And then softer, “I’m sorry that I worried you.” 

__

Alana doesn’t say anything to that. She does, however, scoot over a little in her bed, and taps the spot next to her a few times. Reluctantly, Evan joins her. 

__

Neither of them speak for a while.

__

“You know what it’s like to feel alone,” she eventually says, voice quiet. “I think that’s why it’s always been so easy for me to talk to you.” She laughs a little, the sound distantly sad. “I was never worried about you thinking that I talked too much, even before I really knew you. I felt like you.. _got_ it, even if I didn’t really always know what ‘it’ was. If that makes any sense.” Evan nods slowly, despite not.. really knowing where this was going. “And I mean, it sucks that it was the way that it was between you and Jared, but.. knowing that you still felt like that even when you had someone who was supposed to be there for you? I relate to that too. So maybe that was also part of the reason why I felt like you always understood, even if I had no idea.” 

__

She looks away for a second. The smile on her face that’s pointed towards the floor is just as sad as her laugh had been. “Before this year, I didn’t really have friends, just lots of acquaintances. I didn’t feel like I had the right to say that I was lonely when I was always in a room full of people.” 

__

Evan is just.. kinda speechless, because. Yeah. That’s pretty much hitting the nail right on the head with how he’s felt for a while, now. 

__

“What I’m trying to say, though,” she looks back up at him, eyes open, honest. “You’re my friend, Evan, and maybe there isn’t any way for me to totally understand what you’re going through, but.. that doesn’t mean I still wouldn’t _try_ to. Or that I wouldn’t care.” Something in her gaze falters for a second, and she frowns. “I hope you didn’t think I was only talking to you because of the project.” 

__

Evan is fully aware that saying it out loud isn’t what makes it official, but hearing her so confidently and pointedly call them friends like that for the first time resonates with something in him. He can’t help but feel a little misty-eyed. 

__

“Thank you,” he finally manages. “I - that all means a lot to hear from you.” 

__

They’re both quiet, awkwardly staring back at the other, and Evan couldn’t be more glad that they’re on the same page when he awkwardly opens his arms at the same time that Alana starts to say ‘can I—’, making them both freeze before they’re dissolving into giggles. 

__

“Speaking of understanding each other,” Evan says once they’re hugging, and he can feel the little vibration against his chest of Alana laughing. 

__

“See? This is exactly what I was talking about.” 

__

He gives it a couple of seconds - and he’s thankful that it’s not one of those hugs that gets uncomfortable if it’s held out - before sighing quietly, eyes falling shut. “I should’ve talked to you about it sooner. Not - not waiting until Connor told you.” She doesn’t say anything in response, just squeezing him a little tighter. 

__

When they break off, Alana shakes her head. “I understand why you didn’t. But at the same time, we have all the time in the world to talk about it now, if you wanted.” Her smile falters some, and she tilts her head. “Speaking of Connor, have you talked to him at all recently?” 

__

Evan’s heart immediately sinks. “I - no. We kind of.. we got into an argument.” Even saying that felt like he was putting it lightly. His eyes flicker down to the bed. “I haven’t talked to him at all since Friday.” 

__

“Oh.” 

__

“Have - have you not heard from him at all, or?” Evan asks, a brief flash of panic coming over him, but Alana is quick to shake her head, straightening up a bit.

__

“No, we talked yesterday. Tutoring stuff. He just seemed a little bummed out, was all.” 

__

“Oh, um. Right.” He sighs again, slumping back down. “I need to talk to him soon, I.. I said some stuff that I didn’t mean at all.” He winces. “I really wouldn’t be surprised if he never wants to see me again, though.”

__

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that before you’ve even talked to him.” 

__

“ _I_ wouldn’t forgive me if I was him.”

__

“Well, _you’re_ usually unreasonably hard on yourself,” she points out with a trying smile. “He’s only hard on you out of a place of caring. I think you should have a little more faith in him.” 

__

Evan blinks, before nodding sheepishly. “Maybe,” he mumbles. 

__

If he’s being honest, the only thing he has faith in is Connor Murphy reasonably hating him for the rest of time, but.. for now, Evan lets himself hold onto the wishful thinking that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

Connor isn’t at lunch on Monday, but Alana confirms that he is in fact at school since they share a few classes together. Not that the cafeteria would’ve been an ideal place to have the conversation that they needed to have, but. It still doesn’t do anything to quell the anxiety brewing in Evan as the day progresses. 

__

And like his anxiety, there seems to be a storm brewing all throughout the school day. As Evan steps out of the school a few minutes after the last bell rings, he feels a few slow droplets of water hit his face. 

__

He’s close to just giving up and pushing this apology back another day so he can find Alana before she leaves and get a ride home before the rain starts to pour down when he spots Connor weaving through the crowd of students, messenger bag at his side and his hands shoved in his hoodie pockets. 

__

Thunder rumbles faintly in the distance. Probably another surefire sign that he should wait this one out, but—

__

“Connor!” 

__

He sees the other boy’s shoulders raise tensely, but Connor doesn’t stop walking nor does he turn to look back at Evan. Which should’ve been fully expected, but that doesn’t stop the little pang in Evan’s chest from happening anyway. 

__

Carefully stepping past people, Evan tries to catch up, but Connor is clearly walking faster on purpose to get to his car. “Connor, wait—” 

__

“ _Fuck off, Evan_ ,” Connor calls back just loud enough to be heard without turning his head. 

__

The droplets or water start to hit his skin faster. 

__

Evan doesn’t stop walking until he’s standing outside the passenger door of Connor’s car, the other boy sitting inside glaring absolute daggers at Evan and making no move to unlock the door. 

__

He does roll his window down, though. Just enough for Evan to hear him. “I hope you aren’t expecting me to take you home,” he says sharply. “Since we aren’t friends, and all.”

__

It stings, it really does, but Evan just shakes his head. “That’s not— no. Where— why weren’t you at lunch today?”

__

“What _reason_ would I have to be there?”

__

Right. Those are his own words back at him. 

__

Evan takes a shaky breath. _Come on_. “So I could apologize.” 

__

Connor doesn’t say anything to that, but he doesn’t look any less pissed off, either. 

__

And, well, that’s as good of a cue as any. Evan takes another deep breath and takes another step towards the car. “I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you for telling Alana about everything, you were just - you were doing it for my own good. And I didn’t mean any of the - any of what I said to you, after, I was just.. upset, and scared, I guess, of what she’d think, but..” He shakes his head, hardly registering the flecks of water that fall from his hair as he does. “That doesn’t make it any less hurtful, obviously, so I’m. I’m sorry. For everything. For what I said and for how I made you feel and.. just. Making it seem like I was only talking to you because of the stuff with Jared, because I - I wasn’t. I’m not.” 

__

A lot of Connor’s expressions, are, like.. intricate, right, in the way that a quirk of an eyebrow or the corner of his mouth raising said a thousand words in and of itself - because Connor was like _him_ , in the sense that he was really bad at saying how he felt most of the time. 

__

All that’s to say is Evan has _no_ idea what the other boy is thinking, given that they’re separated by the window and he can’t at all read what expression is on Connor’s face currently. The several seconds of silence between them other than the sound of rain hitting the asphalt and the nearby cars is slowly but surely making him regret having opened his mouth at all.

__

“If your only tactic is to stare at me like a kicked puppy standing in the rain until I say that I forgive you, then you’re going to have to come up with something else.” 

__

Evan’s eyes widen a bit in alarm, and he quickly shakes his head. “I - no! No that’s, that’s not why I’m— you don’t have to forgive me, I just. I wanted you to know that I was sorry.” He looks around before taking a tentative step backwards. “I can go? If you—?” 

__

He hears the distinct sound of the passenger door unlocking. 

__

While his clothes aren’t entirely soaked, the rain _had_ been starting to come down by the time Evan finally climbed in the car. He closed the door behind him, trying to sit in the seat while getting as little of it wet as possible. Which just means he’s sitting awkwardly straight up in the seat, but. 

__

Connor isn’t looking at him, but Evan can see that the look he had was.. frustrated? And maybe mildly conflicted? 

__

“So did Alana tell you to apologize?” He asks, the familiar defensiveness creeping in. 

__

“N-No?” Alana? Had they been talking about what happened, too? “Why would she tell me to?” 

__

“I dunno. She likes to.. fix stuff,” Connor grumbles, gripping and ungripping the wheel anxiously despite the car being in park. 

__

Evan figures that’s a fair enough statement. At the same time, it continues to sting that Connor would think _that_ before thinking that Evan would want to approach him himself. Though granted, maybe all things considered it’s not like he could be entirely faulted for thinking that. 

__

The rain starts to patter outside louder, steadily hitting the windshield harder as well. The car isn’t on, meaning the wipers aren’t either, so their view through the windshield is mostly obscured. Despite this fact, they can’t seem to move their eyes to look anywhere else currently. 

__

Evan hadn’t expected his words before he got inside the car to have defused anything, he wasn’t sure they made up for or changed anything, but the tension still proves to be suffocating even if it’d been expected. It likely had to do with the fact that this was _Connor,_ of all people, and.. funnily enough, throughout all of these months, the other boy had been pretty much the only one who _hadn’t_ made Evan feel majorly discomforted all the time. Throughout this all, he was kind of the only one who made Evan feel.. relatively _normal_. If Evan even knew what normal was anymore. 

__

As close as normal as he could get to right now. 

__

It’s just weird to feel this uncomfortable around Connor again.

__

“I’m not saying this to, to make you feel - to guilt-trip you, or anything,” Evan says, swallowing. “But. You.. staying, this whole time, even though I’m.. I’m clearly not..” He laughs weakly, humorlessly. “..you know. Great. It means a lot to me? The fact that you kept talking to me even after you didn’t have to anymore.”

__

He can hear Connor shift a little in his seat, presumably to look at him, but Evan finds it much easier to put this all out here without looking back at him. And it _needs_ to be said, he has to now, because if he doesn’t now he’s scared he’s not going to be able to explain exactly how he feels later (at least not as well as he has it phrased in his mind _right now)_ , so he doesn’t break his gaze with the sheet of water collecting on the windshield. 

__

“Everything is so.. bad. Everything’s been so _bad_ , but you’re, like, you’re _not,_ you’ve been one of the only good things to come out of all of this, you know? I don’t know how this year would’ve, how it would’ve gone if I hadn’t had you? So it.. I mean, it sucks that it had to be like this, through the mess with all the lies and everything, but..” He blinks hard, risks a glance at Connor despite how much everything in him wants to be looking at anything else. “I.. I’m really glad that you’ve been here.”

__

He feels like Connor always looks much younger the more vulnerable he is in any given moment. It’s not a side Evan has seen often, and it’s a specific kind of vulnerable too - not the angry, desperate for someone to listen kind of vulnerable before they reached the bridge, but the kind where Connor was internally debating on baring his soul about something that might test the boundaries of their already kind of shaky friendship. Worrying about what Evan would think, as if anything about him would make Evan turn away after everything else. It’s weird, like a lot of the things in the air right now, but.. it feels much less bad than everything else. Something a bit more fragile, maybe. 

__

The words sit between them for a while.

__

“I mean,” Connor starts eventually, his voice quiet enough that it barely cuts through the sounds of the rain outside. “I.. it’s the same for me, you know?” 

__

Connor is looking back at him with his brows furrowed, and he still looks guarded, but less out of a place of anger now and more just.. caution. Hurt.

__

“Which is why it’s.. why it _sucked_ so much to hear you say all that shit.” 

__

“I.. yeah,” Evan replies hesitantly, voice quieting even further. “I know.” 

__

Connor opens his mouth to say something else back but seems to think better of it, slumping down against his seat and frowning down at his lap. It takes a couple of seconds before he keeps going. “With how you’d been acting, lately, too, sometimes I just.. I felt..” He shakes his head, anxiously tucking a loose strand of his hair back. “I don’t know. Like I was filling in for something missing.” In the brief tense pause, Evan realizes it’s Jared. He was talking about Jared. “But that I wasn’t even doing a good job because you still weren’t actually talking to me. It’s not like I’d know either way, though, ‘cause, like. I never really have had a..” He eyes Evan for a second, before shaking his head and murmuring ‘you know’, and Evan is pretty sure he does. 

__

Regardless, though: “That’s not - _no,”_ he sits up a little, trying to look back at Connor as earnestly as he can, because that’s _not_ what had been happening at all. “I never for - for a second saw you that way. I swear.” 

__

Connor just shrugs, still staring at his lap. 

__

“Connor, I..” Evan takes a deep breath, pointedly ignoring the tightness in his chest when he does so. God, of _course_ he fucked up more than he thought. “I’m sorry.”

__

After a moment, Connor just sighs quietly through his nose, straightening up a little and picking up his keys that’d been sitting next to him on the seat. “Put your seatbelt on,” he mumbles, starting the car. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

Connor hasn’t hugged him before now, Evan is almost positive. Not even at the bridge - he had sort of just politely let Evan cry it out with a hand on his shoulder - so Evan wants to think that he can’t be blamed for crying a little now. 

__

“Oh my god, _don’t,”_ Connor huffs, squeezing him a little tighter, and a choked up laugh leaves Evan. 

__

“S-Sorry.” 

__

That still doesn’t stop him. Obviously. He figures that Connor knows that, too, because he doesn’t let go of Evan for a while. 

__

“What time is it?” Connor asks when he _does_ let go, and Evan awkwardly twists to see the digital clock sitting on his nightstand. 

__

“Almost eight,” he responds, sheepishly. 

__

“Jesus. I’m surprised my parents haven’t called me yet, I’m probably missing dinner,” Connor says with a snort, standing up from the bed. “Could it be that they _actually_ trust me, now?” 

__

“Maybe?”

__

“Nah, I’m sure Zoe covered for me or somethin’.”

__

Evan can’t help but grin a little at the nonchalance of that sentiment. It felt like just a couple months ago Connor only spoke stiffly about his sister, and now they were like.. maybe not _close,_ but. Closer. More alike to actual siblings instead of two kids who live across the hall from each other. It had been nice to see them come around. Maybe if Evan had been a little less in his head, he’d know more of the logistics of the whole thing.

__

Evan stands up from the bed too. “You should probably still, um—”

__

“Yeah,” Connor agrees with a sigh. “I - yeah.” 

__

They’re quiet as they walk down the stairs. Connor really hadn’t been over that long - they came straight to Evan’s house after school - but it still _feels_ like it’s been a while since when they first got here. You’d think that he’d be used to how early the sun sets now during the wintertime, but it’s still surprising to see that it’s almost completely black outside at barely 8pm. 

__

“Yeah, s’fucking weird,” Connor says, and. Oh. Evan must’ve said some of that out loud. “And kind of depressing. I get tired way too early when the sun is going down at, like, 5pm.” 

__

“I’d say same,” Evan says, stopping short of the front door by a few feet. “but I’m kinda just tired all the time.” 

__

“Oh. Have you considered, like, sleeping?” 

__

“I - no, actually. That’s a _really_ good idea, though? I should - I might try that.” 

__

Connor rolls his eyes at him, but thankfully this time he’s smiling. “Stupid.”

__

Evan returns the grin for a moment, before letting his eyes flit to the floor. “But seriously, thank you, um. Again. For taking me home, and..” _Giving me another chance_.“Talking. With me.” 

__

“Sure, yeah,” and almost like a quiet afterthought, “anytime.” 

__

It’s not quite as emphasized as Alana’s _‘anything’_ had been (which felt like centuries ago, now) _,_ but it still has the same impact. And.. 

__

Jesus. He really _has_ been just oblivious to what’s been right in front of him. 

__

Connor opens the door, but he looks back at Evan before he fully steps out. “Alright, well.. see you tomorrow.” 

__

It seems like it’s deliberate, the way he waits on Evan to nod before he turns around and is shutting the door behind him. 

__

They’d talked about a lot - after all, Evan felt like the only way to really make Connor understand anything he’s done up until now is start from the beginning, the abrupt end of his internship at Ellison. His impulsive intention that one day. 

__

It.. helps make a lot of the other things make sense, looking back on it now. But when he has to say the words out loud, admit to what really happened, he knows the brief looks of fear are definitely warranted. Despite how they make his stomach turn. 

__

_‘Do you still feel like that?’_ Connor had asked him tonight, seriously, and.. Evan wasn’t sure what the right answer to that was, but he figures that him not being able to immediately say ‘no’ was enough of an answer by itself. 

__

It proved to be much easier to explain it all to Connor than his mom, but. It didn’t make the buildup or the actual words coming out of his mouth suck any less. 

__

Blinking blearily, he glances towards the window in his living room. It’s almost too dark to see, but in the yellow light of the streetlights, he can see that the rain has turned to sleet. The roads are probably icy. He makes a mental note to text Connor when he gets back upstairs to make sure he got home okay. 

__

For the first time in a while, the resounding silence in his house doesn’t feel like it’s slowly suffocating him. And when he lays down to try and go to bed, there isn’t another voice telling him that he deserves for it to. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

_@ev.hansen [5:34pm]_

__

i think i should step down from the project

__

it’s nothing personal, like i still really believe in what it’s for and what it’s about!! and you guys have been great but i just

__

i mean i already haven’t been that helpful lately with it? i don’t want to get in the way and i don’t think i’m.. really in the right mindspace to be apart of it anyway

__

if that makes any sense

__

i’m really sorry

__

_@Alana_Beck [5:36pm]_

__

Oh, yeah, that’s totally fine! I understand.

__

Don’t worry about it. Thanks for letting me know. 

__

_@ev.hansen [5:42pm]_

__

i.. really

__

like it’s ok...?

__

_@Alana_Beck [5:44pm]_

__

It’s okay, I promise! 

__

Your own mental health should always come first before a club, y’know?

__

It’s not going to upset me if you have to back out for your own sake. 

__

_@ev.hansen [5:55pm]_

__

okay

__

thank you, alana

__

_@Alana_Beck [5:59pm]_

__

Of course. <3 

_  
_

— 

_  
_

It’s not an overnight change, that’s for sure. 

__

It still takes way too long for him to fall asleep at night and there are still bad days, but. He’s at least sleeping now. And the fact that he can now describe days as being as ‘bad’ as opposed to ‘bad’ never being a descriptor because that was just his _normal_ days, that.. means something, right?

__

(It does - he asks, when he feels unsure, and anyone that he asks tells him that it does. He believes them.) 

__

Likewise, it takes a long time for winter to start its transition into spring, but it still, of course, eventually happens. 

__

When he tells Alana and Connor that he plans on helping Ms. Kleinman finish off Jared’s room when she asks, they’re both understandably skeptical, but.. he really thinks he can handle it now, or at least better than he had been. They’re extremely tentative, but he thinks that they must believe him at least a little bit when they don’t try to press the topic further. 

__

The room is messier, surprisingly, but that’s because the closet finally got unpacked. It’s.. weird, to see it empty. It’s also weird that the walls are completely bare now, and that Jared’s bed is the only, like. Piece of furniture in the room. 

__

The boxes also aren’t just in Jared’s room anymore, though. 

__

“D’you know when you’re set to move?” 

__

“Sometime early in June, I think s’what I was told,” Ms. Kleinman answers with a nod, momentarily preoccupied in tying her hair back. She’d mostly been downstairs packing stuff in the living room, given that Jared’s room was almost done - she’d just come upstairs to take a break and see if Evan needed any help. 

__

“Oh wow,” he answers. “That’s..”

__

“I know that’s still not for a couple of months,” she says with a quiet laugh, “I just wanted to get started now so when the time comes I won’t have a lot to pack up. Just my room and the kitchen, pretty much.”

__

“No, that’s - that makes sense.” 

__

“I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to get out of here as fast as possible or anything, I feel like that’s what your mom thinks is going on,” she sighs, picking up one of the boxes Evan has since sealed shut and stacking it with the other ones collecting on the other side of the room. “It’s just..”

__

“Something to do?” He offers gently. 

__

She blinks a few times, and then smiles, just a little bit of the tension easing off with it. “Something to do, yeah.” 

__

Evan feels like he would’ve agreed with his mom at some point (if she really _did_ feel like what Ms. Kleinman said she did, anyway) about it seeming like Jared’s mom was just trying to escape as soon as she could. Looking at it now, that just seemed like such a naive thing to think. It wouldn’t be that easy even if that _was_ the intent. The only thing she was leaving behind was the physical place that she and Jared both lived in, nothing else. 

__

If she wanted to leave behind any physical memories, she wouldn’t be taking his things with her or still trying to decide on what to do with them. 

__

And being a little more out of his head, it’s easier now for Evan to pick up on small things that actually spoke volumes on their own. The way that Jared’s mom seemed to be more tense in this house than anywhere else, how she is - according to his own mom - working way more hours despite not needing to, thus only really being at home to sleep. 

__

She clearly couldn’t take being here anymore. She _needed_ this change, because otherwise she was just going to stay.. stuck. Unhappy, unhealing. It was unfortunately just this constant reminder, and there wasn’t much she could do to make it _not_ so. 

__

After all, Evan never stopped thinking of this as _Jared’s_ house. He can’t make his mind separate him from this place, and he’s sure that sentiment is not only similar, but _worse_ for his mom. 

__

She picks up another box, disrupting him from his thoughts. “I’ve probably said it, like, a hundred times by now, but thank you so much for helping me with all of this.” After she sets it down, she turns back to him, her smile sad. “All things considered, I’m sure this wasn’t an easy thing for you to do, either.” 

__

_Oh man, you have no idea._ “Oh, I - of course, yeah,” he says back with a trying grin of his own. 

__

“I’m.. not sure I would’ve been able to, like..” She pauses, eyes flitting around the now comparatively barren room. “..start. On my own. Every time I thought about packing it all away, it was just..” She shakes her head, taking a slow breath. “I probably would’ve pushed it away til the last second, and I’m sure packing up his room last wouldn’t have been great.” 

__

Evan looks down at the box he’d stopped packing once they started talking, one of Jared’s t-shirts facing up at him. “Probably not.”

__

She sighs again and sits down on the edge of the bed. “It’s gotten easier, for sure, but.. I mean, obviously, it’s still tough.” 

__

With nothing to say to that, Evan just nods politely. 

__

After a long moment of her just looking at nothing on the far wall, she turns her gaze to where Evan is sitting on the floor with the box. Her expression and her words are so abruptly soft, “How are you?” 

__

She’s not asking him as some form of small-talk, he’s almost positive. 

__

It takes him a second to answer, as opposed to the all-too-familiar blurting out of the first word that came to mind (which more times than not was a lie), but when he does it’s with a little nod. “I’m okay,” he says, and he believes it. 

__

Evan sticks around for another hour before heading out. The hug he gets from Ms. Kleinman before he leaves surprises him a little, as well as for how long she holds onto him. It doesn’t really hit him until he’s almost home that it was probably because that was the last time she was probably going to ask him to help out - at least with Jared’s room, specifically. It was pretty much done. 

__

It leaves him with a strange sort of hollowing feeling. It’s not like that was going to be the last time he saw her, he knows that, but for some reason it just _feels_ that way. Bittersweet. Final. Closing a book, but not pushing it away yet. 

__

Maybe the last time he saw her in that room. 

__

..Maybe the last time he saw that room. 

__

It hasn’t been _Jared’s_ in a while, granted, and all the things that _made_ it his room were taken down and put in boxes months ago, but. Still. That didn’t really make the room any less significant to Evan, especially when he could remember spending a lot of his childhood there. 

__

It certainly makes him feel a whole lot of.. something. 

__

He hadn’t realized that he’d been standing past his closed front door staring off into nothing until his phone vibrates in his pocket, effectively bringing him back. 

__

__

_@ConnorMurphy [4:45pm]_

__

yo

__

how did it go 

__

He can’t help the tired grin that immediately tugs at the corner of his lips. Almost like it was on cue, huh? 

__

_You have people to talk to about these things, you know,_ he reminds himself as he tentatively starts typing back his response, heading towards the stairs. 

__

And _people_ , as in plural. 

__

Maybe he had yet to understand _why_ , but he figures he doesn’t have to know. One thing at a time. He can at least wrap his mind around the fact that they’re _there_ , and for now that feels like enough. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

_“Rhizobium is a genus of these microorganisms in the soil that play an important role in nitrogen fixation in plants.”_

__

“Bacteria,” Alana mumbles, and when Evan snickers she tears her gaze away from the TV for just long enough to mime kicking him from her spot on the couch. 

__

_“What is ‘bacteria’?”_

__

_“Bacteria, correct_ —” 

__

“That sounded like such a complicated question just for that answer,” Evan comments, still grinning a little. 

__

“Well, isn’t that the point?” she says with a little laugh of her own, eyes flitting back to the TV. 

__

_“Science and Nature for 400?”_

__

_“The fluff on this tree - a type of poplar - contains seeds that are dispersed by the wind for only two weeks a year.”_ All three of the contestants are silent. 

__

“Cottonwood,” Evan says quietly, only because he can see Alana immediately look away from the TV and to him out of the corner of his eye.

__

_“.. That would be a cottonwood_ —”

__

“—Obviously.” He mock rolls his eyes, and Alana giggles. 

__

“See, that forest expertise is coming in handy.” 

__

..Evan feels his face warm up a bit at that, and he can’t tell if it’s from being flattered or embarrassed. “I’m surprised you - that you even remember me saying that.” Honestly, he’s not even sure he remembers when he told Alana about his internship. 

__

“Duh,” she nudges his leg with a socked foot, gently this time. 

__

They go on for the rest of the episode, Alana usually getting the answer (or both of them saying the answer at the same time). If this was actual _Jeopardy!_ , she’d be beating him by, like, thousands of dollars by now.

__

“How are you so good at this?” He asks her a little incredulously once the episode is over, Alex Trebek congratulating the winner as the screen pans out (though at the same time, he didn’t know what else he could’ve been expecting, it was literally _Alana_ ). She sits up, grinning a little sheepishly back at him. 

__

“I actually watch this show a lot,” she answers. “we don’t have cable, so it’s one of the only things that we can get with just satellite.” 

__

“Oh. That makes sense.” 

__

“Mhm.” She watches the credits for the episode play out. “My grandma and I used to watch it all the time together, too. Kind of like how we were doing—” she gestures vaguely to them. “—like, saying the answers out loud, and stuff.” 

__

Her grin immediately turned a little wistful after saying that, and. Oh. 

__

Evan very vaguely remembers that first conversation they had, on that first day of school - _only_ because it’d been so, like, abrupt, that despite everything else that happened that day he’d somehow still kept _that_ in his mind - and remembers Alana having said something about her grandmother passing away over the summer. He frowns a little, shifting uncomfortably. “Oh, um. I’m sorry—” 

__

“Nonono, don’t be!” she says quickly, reaching for the remote. The smile she puts back on is familiar in the sense that it’s.. well, just that. Put on. “It was a while ago, now, so. It’s alright. Besides, I wasn’t - you didn’t ask. I wasn’t trying to make that about myself.” 

__

..Well, that’s.. definitely not what Evan had thought. 

__

And she says that somewhat resigned, he thinks, and can only wonder if it’s because someone had told her that before, or at least told her something along those lines. 

__

He watches her toy uncomfortably with the remote for a moment before starting to flip through the channels again - not that there’s a whole lot to choose from. On a whim, Evan blurts out, “Was she good at it, too?” 

__

She looks over at him, furrowing her brows. “What?” 

__

“Was she—” He’s almost regretting asking, because maybe he’s pushing it and he’s going to end up making Alana uncomfortable, but he ignores the coil forming in his chest and goes for it anyway. As he does. “Did she know the answers? When you guys watched it together?” For good measure, he adds, “She was probably way better at it than I am, but that isn’t - that’s not saying much, probably.” 

__

She looks taken aback, and then almost a little skeptical, searching, as if it was some sort of trick question. Which might not’ve been the case, maybe she was thinking something else, but if it _was,_ it made Evan’s heart sink a little more for her. It didn’t feel right to see her suddenly reserved about something or genuinely putting herself down, albeit being offhanded enough for it not to be noticable. 

__

Was it really that unbelievable to her for someone to show interest in something like that?

__

“I, um.” It’s a little hesitant, and still careful, but after a moment she smiles. “Yeah, yeah. She was actually really good. Better than me a lot of the time, honestly.”

__

“What? There’s no way.” 

__

“No, _seriously_ \- she always knew the really obscure niche trivia that you wouldn’t expect _anyone_ to know. And she was also just so smart in general,” She’d since given up on finding a channel, it seems, as she settles for a random one and turns the volume down. “She was, like.. the smartest person I knew.”

__

Evan hums a little in response, before gently asking, “I take it you guys were close?” Alana nods. 

__

“Yeah, we were. I pretty much told her everything,” She says with a quiet laugh. “when I was younger, I spent a lot of time at her house before my dad remarried. And then after he did, she moved to a place closer to us, so I walked over a lot just to talk with her..” 

__

Every so often she’ll pause between sentences to look up at Evan again, almost like she’s expecting him to not be listening anymore. It was sad that this was the _one_ topic he’d ever seen her do this for, but nevertheless he remained attentive throughout. She slowly but surely seemed to get more comfortable, the deliberate way of choosing words slipping away and her tone falling back into something familiar. 

__

“You know how I - you might not remember, when I was first telling you about the club, but I told you that I’d had it planned out for a while, right?”

__

“I think so, yeah.”

__

“Right,” She pushes her glasses up a little, grinning distantly. “I came up with it sometime during the first semester of our junior year. And she was actually the first person I talked to about it. She really liked the idea, she - she knew that I was really busy, though, but she said that if I ever got the chance, I should try to get it up on its feet. That it’d help a lot of people.” 

__

She takes a bit of a breath, shaking her head. “I tried so hard after holiday break to make something _work,_ to find time in my schedule, but I just. Couldn’t. And I know she wasn’t holding me to it or anything, but that’s just kind of what I _do,_ right, make these super unrealistic expectations for myself and then get frustrated when I can’t reach them..” She scoffs. “Which is.. I know that’s dumb. But anyway, I wasn’t able to do anything with it. And near the end of it, our junior year, I’d.. sort of just lost a lot of hope in it, anyway, I immediately just assumed that I’d be even _more_ busy this year and that it wouldn’t even be worth _thinking_ about.” She pauses. “And when she - when my grandma passed, I.. I had even less motivation to do it. I kind of just wanted to drown myself in the other stuff, though, school and college applications and community hours so I didn’t have to think about it.”

__

Like a lot of other times, Evan really.. has no idea what to say. Even if that last point in particular felt so, so familiar. 

__

“It, um,” she continues reluctantly. “Obviously, that didn’t happen. And the club _did_ happen. Which was.. if you would’ve asked me at the beginning of August where I thought I’d be now? I have no idea what I would’ve said, but it definitely wouldn’t be _here.”_

__

“That’s - but that’s a good thing, right?” 

__

Alana blinks a few times, before nodding, grinning subtly at the floor. “It is a good thing. A really good thing. Back then, I probably would’ve made up some bullshit answer as to why I wouldn’t want to be involved with this club, or make something like it, but.. now I couldn’t imagine it not being there. After all, it - regardless of anything, the fact that it’s important never changed. I guess I just didn’t think I was strong enough, or.. or that I wouldn’t be able to make it as great as I told my grandma I would.” 

__

After another pause, she looks up at Evan again, her smile brightening just a tad. “I certainly didn’t think that I’d be friends with you, or Connor Murphy, of all people.”

__

“Sorry?”

__

“I - not like _that,_ oh my god,” She says with a muffled snicker. “I’m _glad_ that I am. Really.” And then softer, “You guys mean a lot to me. And - I don’t know, you make me feel like I exist outside of all the things I’m involved with. Which isn’t something I’ve felt for a while.” 

__

Evan can’t help but smile back at her. It’s just sort of contagious, really. “You mean a lot to me, too. And I’m sure you do to Connor, too, he just - he likes to pretend that he doesn’t have feelings.” 

__

“Right, no, of course,” she says back with an equally contagious laugh, and it’s.. nice. This full feeling in his heart. 

__

They’d fallen back into quiet - Alana had since picked up the remote again and returned to browsing, Evan watching her flip idly through channels. Again, he worries that it’s inappropriate or too much, but he still softly tells her, “Your grandma would definitely be super proud of you.” 

__

His fears almost feel real when Alana freezes, but almost as quickly as she does she lets a little grin flit to her lips, and she glances briefly at Evan, and then back to the TV - though Evan knows she probably isn’t really taking in what’s on the screen. 

__

“Thank you,” she responds, equally as soft. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

“Listen, I don’t— I waited _way_ too long, there’s no way I’d get in.” 

__

“Dude, if they sent you an email saying _‘hey, apply asshole’,_ then it’s probably not too late.”

__

Evan sighs, frowning at his laptop screen again. “I think it was a mistake. The deadline to apply was, like, _ages_ ago—“

__

“Honestly? The deadline is more or less just a suggestion for that school,” Alana comments from next to him, leaning over to peer at his screen. “It’s not really competitive - and it’s rolling admission, so they typically take applications all the way up until May. They just prefer you to apply sooner rather than later.” 

__

“Exactly!” Connor gestures at him with his pencil. “Listen, you’re like, _actually_ smart, n’shit—“

__

“I don’t think—“

__

“—Wait, no, shut up. If _I_ can get in,” he pokes himself with the end of the pencil with the eraser on it, “then you _definitely_ would get in.”

__

“That wasn’t an invitation to put _yourself_ down, either!” Alana immediately chides him, and before he can refute she turns to Evan. “I think with the school’s acceptance rate, and the fact that you _are_ indeed smarter than you give yourself credit for,” she says pointedly, “you’d have a really good shot at getting in. Plus, it’s a CommonApp school, literally all you have to do is click ‘apply’ and you’re _done_.” 

__

The school in question was, as they’d said, not very competitive. It was pretty much just a half step up from a community college - but it was also pretty inexpensive and pretty tight-knit, and despite not being as super modern and techy as all the local universities, it still seemed like a really good place to go. It had been one of the places he was looking at junior year when all his teachers started pushing him to look at schools, only resulting in mass feelings of _dread_ knowing he wouldn’t be able to really afford going to most places. 

__

And also, like. He knows his mom was 100% expecting it without question, but.. he hadn’t even been totally sure that he _wanted_ to go in the first place. 

__

With everything with Jared happening at the start of the school year, too, he just never got the motivation to try applying anywhere. He didn’t see the point, he really just.. couldn’t imagine what was supposed to be in the future with the haze of everything else around him. 

__

That decision, of course, was haunting him now, because the school in question was probably the closest fit for him, and he _did_ in general want to go to college. And also, he only found this out recently, but apparently _Connor_ was going there too?

__

“I still don’t get why of all places you’re going _there_ ,” Evan says to him, glancing up from the laptop screen again to look at Connor. “Isn’t your family loaded? You could’ve probably gone, like. Wherever you wanted.”

__

“Very bold of you to assume that I have that many options,” Connor scoffed. “And - I mean, I just like that school. It’s just far away enough from here, the people there seem chill, and they have exactly what I wanna major in, too, so..” He shrugs, dropping his attention back to his notebook sitting on the lunch table. “I didn’t think I was going to college at the start of this year, either. And I didn’t really know what to look for once I _did_ decide I wanted to go, but Zoe told me about this one, and. Y’know. It just seemed like it’d be a good fit.” 

__

Those were all pretty valid points, honestly. And Evan could definitely relate to those specific reasons, too. 

__

Inexpensive was good because he really didn’t have nearly enough to go to any other _good_ university in the area. And a little far away was good because.. 

__

..just because. He just thinks it might be better for him to be away from.. here. For a bit. Not _too_ far, obviously, but just.. far enough. 

__

And having Connor there too would be nice, because he knows that his nerves are going to inevitably flare up at all the sudden _change,_ but he would be able to count on having one constant.

__

“Also, if they read your college essay and _don’t_ take you, they definitely didn’t deserve you to begin with,” Alana says flatly. 

__

“You’re sweet,” Evan mumbles, probably not very convincingly, because Alana immediately straightens a little in her seat.

__

“No, I’m serious! Your writing is _so_ good, I don’t - I can’t believe you were just hiding that this whole time.” 

__

“Oh?” Connor pipes up from the other side of the table. 

__

Evan can feel his face getting warm, and despite himself he smiles sheepishly down at his lap. “I - _guys,_ it’s really not—” 

__

“Not to steal Connor’s line, but _shut up,_ ” Alana says (much kinder than Connor would’ve) with a little laugh, nudging his shoulder gently. “I wouldn’t lie to you, you know.” 

__

He does know that, but he still doesn’t really know how to accept compliments. Especially over something as.. personal and kind of vulnerable as his college essay was. It really took a lot for him to ask Alana to look it over in the first place. 

__

“Thank you,” he eventually relents, eyes flickering back to the application page again. She was right about how easy it would be to apply - literally all he had to do was hit the button and everything would be sent over. So why was this so hard for him to do?

__

“What’s the worst that could happen?” Connor seems to voice for him, and Evan sighs, slumping down a little in his seat.

__

“They tell me no?” 

__

“They _won’t,_ but even on the weird off-chance that they _do,_ you could just stick with your original plan. Take a gap year and then transfer.” 

__

“And even if you _do_ go with that, it’s not like you’re admitting defeat or anything,” Alana reminds him. “That’s a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Tons of people get their gen-eds done at a community college and then transfer after a year or two to somewhere else.” 

__

They’re right, he knows they are. It’s just the idea of getting rejected after getting his hopes up that’s sitting so unwell with him. 

__

After looking between them for a second, Evan tentatively returns his eyes to the webpage. Carefully drags a finger over the touchpad until the cursor is hovering over the ‘submit application’ button. Takes a breath.

__

He clicks it before he can psyche himself out of it. And sure enough, that’s all it takes before he’s officially applied for the school. 

__

It’s obviously super anticlimactic, but it still feels like a huge weight immediately gets lifted off his chest.

__

Connor snarks a _“finally, Jesus”_ with a teasing grin at the same time as Alana cheers for him, leaning close enough in his space to see the checkmark and the words _‘your application has successfully been submitted!’_ accompanying it on his laptop screen. 

__

And maybe it’s silly, right, for them to be this excited for him (or excited at _all,_ really), and maybe it’s _also_ silly to be so validated by their reactions, but. Whatever. 

__

It’s hard not to be at least a _little_ proud of himself with them here with him. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

“You know something?” 

__

Evan barely caught that, if he was being honest. He was in that floaty space between awake and not - though now he was probably straying closer to being awake again.

__

“Hm?” 

__

Connor doesn’t respond, which. Evan should’ve just ignored him and tried to go back to sleep, especially because he was pretty sure Connor was still a little high, but for some reason he finds his eyes blearily blinking open. He turns his head a little to see Connor lying next to him, on his back, arms loosely wrapped around himself and his eyes trained half-lidded at his ceiling. 

__

Evan almost doesn’t think he’s going to respond at all, when Connor quietly murmurs, “I didn’t think I’d make it this far.” 

__

Okay, Evan’s awake. 

__

He gingerly pushes himself up so he’s on a forearm, now turned towards Connor. “I - yeah?” he asks, clearing his throat when it comes out a little groggy. 

__

“Mhm,” Connor hums, eyes falling shut. “I didn’t, like. I don’t know. I didn’t ever actually envision me having a senior year. I assumed I would’ve dropped out, or..” He trails off, but it’s not like he really needs to finish it anyway. 

__

They’ve talked about it before, usually late at night like this, and even if they _hadn’t,_ well.. it sucks to say, but Evan still had gone to school with Connor before they were friends. He remembers a couple times last year where the other boy disappeared for a week or two. He remembers what people would say. 

__

“..or, like. You know. I just.” He sighs - it’s too tired sounding to be frustrated. “Sometimes it’s weird. ‘Cause I never really planned for any of this. Not - not like, in a bad way? I just genuinely didn’t.. expect anything after a certain point. So everything that’s happening now, in, in real time, s’kinda like.. a surprise.” 

__

He tentatively turns his head to finally look at Evan. “..If that makes any sense.” 

__

For a moment, Evan can only stare back. The lights are out in Connor’s bedroom, but Evan can still see his face pretty clearly with how close they’re lying to each other. 

__

Despite the lowkey grimness of his words, Connor doesn’t look sad, or anything. Just.. honest?

__

“I, well..” Evan eventually starts. “I get that. I.. I honestly feel the same way.” 

__

Connor nods. 

__

Gingerly, Evan lowers himself back down so that he’s lying on his side instead of on his forearm. “That’s why the, uh. Thing with applying to colleges is so weird for me? Because I never planned on going - not because I didn’t _want_ to go, I just..” he swallows. “I didn’t think that I would. For, I mean..” 

__

“Yeah,” Connor relieves him from having to finish it - not out of a place of discomfort, but. Again. Just cause he gets it.

__

“Not, um—” Evan shakes his head, chuckling sheepishly. “Not to derail from you. But.” It takes a second - but after he takes a breath, he manages to move his eyes back to Connor’s face. “I’m glad that you’re here, y’know.” 

__

Connor isn’t necessarily taken aback, but he does blink a little in surprise, Evan thinks. As much as he wants to look away, Evan doesn’t, can’t make himself, and after a few seconds Connor slowly grins back at him, just as tentative. “I’m glad that you’re here, too.” 

__

The moment is over almost as quickly as it started - Connor is soon enough lying facing away from Evan, and Evan can slowly feel himself drifting off again. 

__

Upon waking up and remembering, Evan is almost worried that the fragility of it had only been there because Connor hadn’t been exactly sober, but the quiet ‘thanks’ the other boy mumbles to him before Evan leaves to go home seems to tell him otherwise. 

__

It’s, if anything, a nice reassurance.

_  
_

— 

_  
_

_**@Alana_Beck ** _ **has added _@ConnorMurphy_ and _@ev.hansen_ to a group DM!**

__

**__** _@Alana_Beck [5:02pm]_

__

Figured this would be more efficient than me sending you both the same texts!

__

_@ConnorMurphy [5:05pm]_

__

work smarter not harder ig 

__

_@Alana_Beck [5:05pm]_

__

Exactly. :) 

__

_@ConnorMurphy [5:08pm]_

__

anyway

__

anybody in this thread smoke weed

__

_@ev.hansen [5:09pm]_

__

oh my god

_  
_

— 

_  
_

_@ConnorMurphy [8:49pm]_

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i keep getting the dms mixed up now 

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can we give the gc a name or something

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_@Alana_Beck [8:53pm]_

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Uhh okay 

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What’s something we all have in common? 

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_@ev.hansen [8:55pm]_

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mental illness

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_@ConnorMurphy [8:55pm]_

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mental illness

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_@Alana_Beck [8:59pm]_

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Really walked into that one, didn’t I

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_**@Alana_Beck** _ **has changed the name of the chat to ‘~mental (ch)illness~’.**

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**__** _@ConnorMurphy [9:06pm]_

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…………….. 

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_@ev.hansen [9:06pm]_

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omg

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_@Alana_Beck [9:08]_

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You get what you get and you don’t through a fit <3

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_@ev.hansen [9:10pm]_

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thank you so much i hate it <3

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_@Alana_Beck [9:13pm]_

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<3

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_

—

_  
_

“Hey, um, Zoe!” 

__

She startles a bit when Evan calls her name, almost dropping the textbook she’d been trying to move from her locker into her bag, and he almost immediately feels a pang of anxiety settle in him when after a few seconds Zoe starts.. laughing?

__

It takes him a moment to get the irony of it.

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“You finally scared me back!” Zoe points it out for him anyway, maybe because he still looks just a little bit frightened at her response. With a snicker, she puts the rest of her things in her bag, and shuts the locker. “What’s up?”

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“I just - I heard that you and Sabrina are going to be the new president and co-president for YWBF? For next year?” He manages with a nervous smile.

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“Oh! Uh, yeah!” She grins, and for whatever reason she looks _equally_ as nervous. “I was originally going to be the secretary on the board, but then Matt decided he didn’t want to be co-presidents with Sabrina, so they asked me if I wanted to instead.” 

__

“Oh wow.”

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“Yeah.” She rolls her eyes, but she still looks upbeat regardless. “The dude seemed like a dick anyway, so. I’m glad he’s stepping down.” 

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“I still don’t think I’ve ever met him in person, honestly,” Evan admits, laughing a bit. “Just heard that he was kind of difficult to work with.” 

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“Yeah. I’m really nervous about it, but, um.. at the same time, I’m super excited.” She nods a little to herself, leaning a bit against her locker. “Hopefully we can do it justice - I know it was super important to you two..” 

__

Even if he wasn’t _in_ the group anymore, she was right. It _was_ important to him, and not just because Alana thought so. 

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“I’m sure you guys will do great,” Evan assures her with a small grin, and although she still looks a bit tentative, it seems like she at least believes him. 

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“Thank you.” 

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“Of course.” 

_  
_

—

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_

**Alana 💜 __** _@Alana_Beck_ · 16 minutes ago

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The dream team 💕 

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_[IMG attached - a group picture with Alana holding the phone and Evan and Connor behind her; they’d clearly been walking somewhere, the surroundings suggest it’s a mall. All three are smiling, Evan is carrying a bag at his side, and Connor is very subtly flipping the camera off.]_

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**2** Retweets **14** Likes

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_@ev.hansen_ retweeted

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_@ConnorMurphy_ replied: 

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don’t act all nice n sweet like your caption wasn’t originally “these two are the reason i’m not into men” 

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_

—

_  
_

The envelope from the college he applied to looks.. small. 

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He knows from watching a bunch of peoples’ Snapchat stories earlier on in the year that their acceptance letters were typically in these huge colorful envelopes. A clear sign that you got in.

__

So, he likes to think that he’s reasonably stressed.

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“Evan, you aren’t going to know for sure until you _open it,”_ Alana reminds him again, and Connor hums in approval. 

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Evan briefly stops in his pacing to look at the two, currently sitting on his couch. And then the envelope sitting on the coffee table. 

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“Is that what yours looked like?” He directs this question at Connor. 

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“I - fuck if _I_ know, dude.” 

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“That’s not very reassuring,” Alana murmurs, and Connor scoffs. 

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“I don’t even think _I_ was the one who got to open it initially, you guys know my parents go through my mail—”

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“Okay, okay,” Evan interrupts them, trying to swallow down the nauseous feeling rising in him the more he keeps putting this off. “I. I’m just gonna..” He sits down on the floor in front of the coffee table, snatching the envelope off the top. 

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He turns it over in his hands a few times. 

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“You’ve got this,” Connor mumbles _way_ too intensely, and Alana elbows him in the side. 

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It’s fine. He’s gonna be fine.

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Taking a deep breath, Evan tears open the top of the envelope. Pulls out the folded piece of paper inside. 

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The panic crawls back up his throat just as abruptly again and he frowns, suddenly holding the paper out in front of them over the coffee table. 

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_“No,”_ Alana is turning it down immediately, pushing the paper back towards Evan. “C’mon.” It was worth a shot. 

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Swallowing thickly, Evan takes his time unfolding the paper, eyes pointedly looking away from it for as long as he can. And then, of course, the moment of truth: 

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“Dear Evan Hansen,” he starts to read it out loud, though quietly. “we are pleased to inform you that you’ve been..” 

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He got in. 

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He was _in._

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With wide eyes, he skims the rest of the letter quickly, eyes flitting over the words, almost as if he was looking for the ‘ _sike!’_ , but.. sure enough—

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“I got in,” He says on a breath. 

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“You got in?!” 

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“I - you got in! See, I _told_ you—!”

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He ends up laying the paper on the coffee table so the other two can see, and it’s.. honestly, so surreal, he’s kind of just grinning completely awe-struck as Alana reads them the rest of the letter - something about upcoming deadlines for an acceptance fee and where to submit a financial aid form but honestly, he was more or less focused on the buzzing feeling of maybe validation that despite how freaking late he submitted this application, they _still_ took him in. And, like, yeah, he’d never be exactly sure of if it was because the school truly did take in any and everyone or if his essay has been genuinely _good,_ but. That also doesn’t seem to matter right now - he was _in,_ that’s all that was important. 

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“Should I call my mom?” Is one of the first things he asks once they start to wind down from the initial excitement. Connor grabs his phone from his pocket and checks the time. 

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“She’s at work, right? D’you think she’d answer?” 

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“I don’t know,” Evan admits, slinking down a little. “She’s not done til 11. She might have a break..” 

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“You could text her.”

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“ _Absolutely not,_ this is not news you break via _text message_ —” 

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Evan can’t help but giggle at their banter, shaking his head and waving them off. “I - I can just wait til she gets home I guess, it’s not a big deal.” He folds the paper back up. “Just, um. Excited for her to know, I guess.” 

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“That’s fair,” Alana says back with a smile. “I’m sure she’s gonna be super proud of you!” 

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Evan figures she would be too, he could tell that she had been so thrilled at the idea of him going to college at the beginning of the year only for him to not talk about it that much since, but.. he guess he couldn’t be too sure until she got home. 

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He sighs, grinning down at the folded up paper. “I hope so.” 

_  
_

—

_  
_

🌱 **evan [he/him] __** _@ev.hansen_ · 16 minutes ago

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told _@ConnorMurphy _that i got my license and the first thing he asked was for me to hit him with my car 

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**3** Retweets **27** Likes

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_@ConnorMurphy_ replied: 

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….so is that a yes, or 

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—

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“Do you think Mrs. Kisner is going to read my paper and figure out that I trespassed in order to get these pictures?”

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“I mean, _probably_ not.” 

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“ _‘Probably’_?” 

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Evan can’t help but snicker at the conversation Alana and Connor are having a couple feet in front of him as they lead through this winding path towards.. Evan isn’t actually quite sure, yet, actually. 

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“I’m going to be completely honest, I still have no idea what either of you are talking about.” 

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Connor turns so he’s walking backwards - an extremely poor choice, Evan thinks, because this place is so comically overgrown with brambles that there shouldn’t be any way that there is a path for them to walk through to begin with - and sighs in mock exasperation. 

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“So Alana dragged me into her little project—”

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“Don’t let him fool you, he totally offered,” Alana says quietly with a giggle, having slowed her steps a little so she was walking alongside Evan. 

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“ _Anyway,”_ Connor huffs, “there was this apple orchard that my parents used to take me and Zoe to all the time when we were little. The _Autumn Smile_ apple orchard,” he rolls his eyes, Evan assumes at the name. “it was really nice, though. For the apples, yeah, but it was also kind of like a park, too? There was a pond. And my parents would take us there to have, like, picnics and shit. Very Hallmark nuclear family-esque.

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“A while ago, though, they - I don’t know, I guess the family that owned it weren’t making enough sales, or something? Which makes sense, I don’t think a lot of people even really knew that this place existed. They ended up selling the land to the city, who of course made immediate plans to tear the whole area up for who fuckin’ knows what. It _is_ a pretty big plot of land..” Connor frowns. “So they shut down the orchard indefinitely.”

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“That’s.. sad,” Evan says, frowning too. “So what’s - did anything end up getting built there?”

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“Nope,” Connor replies, popping the ‘p’. “The levy it was involved with never got passed. And by the time they gave up on whatever the project was, it - I mean, it’s not like they could just open the orchard back up. Nobody wanted to put in the money for something that proved to be failing even _before_ the city snatched it up. Also, by that point, nobody had been maintaining the trees or anything for several years, so it was just.” He shrugs and waves his hand dismissively. “Too much work, I guess.” 

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“That being said,” Alana continues for him. “It’s been abandoned for a _super_ long time, but the city refuses to repurpose the area, or even _sell_ it, and it’s apparently restricted for public access. Even though it’s - again - this huge open space with nothing really there.” 

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“I’m sure they’re just holding it until they can figure out what stupid gentrification bullshit they can put here that people would actually support,” Connor mumbles. 

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“Oh,” Evan blinks a few times. So that all would definitely explain why everything on this path was so _overgrown_ \- it was abandoned _and_ restricted from the public. “so.. this all is relevant for a project?” 

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“ _Yes!_ Alright, so—” Alana immediately clears her throat a little, straightening - clearly back in her element. “I’m writing a paper, right? I don’t want to go on a huge tangent about the prompt, but _basically_ it’s about possible changes to be made in your community to make it a better place all round. After hearing everything Connor said about the orchard, it really made me think about all the possible things you could _do_ with this place—” she gestures out, “—instead of just hogging the area and letting cops who are passing by impose minor infractions on teenagers for trespassing to reach quota, or whatever.” 

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“I am teenagers,” Connor murmurs, deadpan, and Evan can’t help but stifle a laugh. 

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“Honestly, I don’t really have a definite thesis yet, in terms of _what_ they should make out of this place,” Alana says with a slight frown, glancing around them again. “preferably something that doesn’t disrupt the local ecosystem _too_ much..” 

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“I - yeah, totally. I’m sure making it into maybe a park wouldn’t be too hard since they wouldn’t really have to build much for it,” Evan offers, ducking over a branch. “and - I mean, a park inherently just benefits a city, already.” 

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“You think?” Alana asks, turning to look at him. 

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He nods. “It preserves nature, and if you’d want to argue that they don’t make money or something, most parks charge people to rent out the space for like, birthday parties, and stuff? And sponsorship of the space, permits, taxes..” He shrugs. 

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It takes him a moment to realize that Alana is _still_ looking at him, and he immediately blinks and tenses a little when he does. “..What?”

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She’s looking at him with her brows creased in confusion. “How do you just _know_..” and the moment Evan has the right mind to be embarrassed she figures it out, immediately beaming back at him. “Wait! You were a park ranger!” 

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“Apprentice,” Evan corrects her sheepishly. 

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“ _Still!”_ She has somehow within this peak in their conversation gotten, like, a foot closer to him. “Would you maybe be interested in answering some questions for—”

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“Dude, one thing at a _time,_ ” Connor interrupts her with a laugh. “Let’s just get the pictures today, hang out, and then you can pester Evan with all your Park Questions when we get back to—”

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“Pictures?” Evan echoes, tilting his head. Alana and Connor both stop, blinking at each other for a second. 

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“I - oh shit, I think we left that whole part out.” 

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“I mean, it’s not a _huge_ thing,” Alana says, shaking her head, and then turning back to Evan. “As you probably remember, Connor mentioned that this place wasn’t super well known. And because of that, there’s barely any articles about it online.” 

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“Other than, like, all the bullshit with them closing it and then not doing anything with it.” 

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“Right! So, there’s barely any pictures of it, or even any detailed observations of what it looks like, what it used to be, where it even _is,_ et cetera.” She grins a little. “Plus, I mean, primary sources are even more compelling than going off of what the internet can tell me. I’m sure Mrs. Kisner will appreciate my argument much more if she knows that I went here myself to survey the area,” she bumps Evan’s shoulder with her own, giving him an innocent little smile and then letting her eyes flit over to Connor. “and have reputable sources to back me up!” 

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“How am I a ‘reputable source’?” Connor asks with a snort. 

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“You said it yourself, you came here all the time before it got shut down! You know how nice it used to be.” 

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“I’m pretty sure any teacher who sees _me_ as a _source_ is immediately going to throw your paper away. I’m essentially, like.. Wikipedia—”

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“—Wikipedia sources can be creditable, too, teachers are just _weird_ about that kind of stuff.” She rolls her eyes. “But that’s entirely off topic. If you think it’d help I can just leave your name off of it.”

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“Cool,” Connor nearly trips on a tree root - somehow he is _still_ walking backwards, but Evan is pretty sure the only reason he’d only made it this far without falling was because they weren’t walking too fast - but catches himself, and tries to pretend it went unnoticed. “I may have _also_ wanted to bring you guys here because, like, it lowkey looks pretty cool with all the trees overgrown and masking all the fences and caution tape and shit. It gives me post-apocalyptic vibes.” He grins, mischievously. “And, I mean, there’s also the thrill that we’re doing something mildly illegal.” 

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“I doubt we’re going to be caught,” Alana says, but she doesn’t sound as confident as she did before. “Cops only patrol places like this at night. When people actually _are_ trespassing.” 

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It was indeed not night yet. The sun was setting, and it was that point in spring ( _finally_ ) where it wasn’t freezing anymore, but it hadn’t gotten blistering hot yet, either. Arguably, the perfect weather to trespass on an abandoned apple orchard with a couple of your friends. 

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..Which. Like. Maybe he was only so fond of that thought because it sounded so _silly_ out of context, like, if you told him he’d be doing that half a year ago, he wouldn’t have believed it at all, and now here he was, fully believing that nothing else could describe their dynamic _more—_

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“What’re you smilin’ at, _Hansen?_ ” Connor teases him with a dumb voice, kicking a rock in Evan’s direction. 

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He scrunches up his face at being called by his last name, kicking a rock back at Connor with a quiet laugh. “Nothin’, uh, _Murphy._ ” 

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“You guys are so weird.” Despite her words, Alana is, of course, smiling too. 

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It doesn’t take too much longer of walking through unkempt bramble and overgrowth before they reach a really tall chain link fence. If you could imagine, there’s also a huge sign plastered on the front that says ‘NO TRESPASSING’ in large, red letters. 

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Of course, the sign also looks like it’s seen better days. The letters are so worn off, and the sign itself is barely still clinging to the fence. 

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“We aren’t having any second thoughts, right?” 

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Evan blinks hard to get himself out of his thoughts, glancing up to see Connor already sitting on top of the fence. 

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“Nope,” Alana answers, tucking her phone into her back pocket and immediately making moves to climb the fence, too. So much for her being at all worried about them getting caught. 

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She scales the fence pretty quickly, too, which barely seems fair. With a shaky sigh, Evan brings a leg up to wedge his foot between the links on the fence—

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..Hm. This was oddly familiar, wasn’t it?

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He hears Connor’s boots hit the ground on the other side of the fence, and shortly after Alana making a somewhat startled noise as she almost lost her footing hopping down by the time Evan got to the top of the fence himself. 

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It.. really isn’t that similar. He knows that. It’s nowhere _near_ as tall, but he thinks it might have something to do with the slightly startling fact that he hasn’t really been in a park since back _then_ and only just now recognized the deep, uncomforted thought of this being familiar to _something_ , as well as being _up_ on something, with the sun peaking through the trees to shine on his face—

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“—wanna show you guys somewhere, it’d be really good for pictures… Evan?”

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Evan blinks, eyes immediately flitting down to the two on the other side. “Huh?” 

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“You good?” Connor asks, brows furrowed. “Looks like we lost you for a sec.” 

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Evan can feel his face flush a little, and he shakes his head, laughing nervously. “Oh, uh, no. Wait, I mean - _yes,_ yesI’m fine, m’still here! Sorry.”

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When he doesn’t hop down right away, Alana takes a step closer to the fence - she looks equally confused, but she offers up her hand. 

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Maybe it’s dumb, but it immediately warms something in his chest - because for one, there’s no way he could reach her hand anyway without, like, already have climbed down most of the way, and also just the immediate innocent conclusion that he just didn’t know how to get down and so she was offering him help - it added to the already present feelings of fondness to this weird little escapade of theirs. 

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Another reassurance, of sorts. Not that either of them would really think of it as one. Which was okay, obviously. 

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Still, he does climb down about halfway, before taking her hand and hopping off the fence. She gives him an excited little ‘woo!’ in response, squeezing his hand before turning back to Connor and telling him to lead the way. 

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They get the pictures, obviously. And Alana’s paper goes fine. When he remembers that afternoon, though, those little details aren’t really the first ones that he remembers. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

After a long break of him _not_ crying, it doesn’t seem too surprising that the first time in a while it happens again is at graduation. 

__

Because, y’know, _inherently,_ so much is going on. Even in, like, a regular senior’s life. You’re walking the stage, you’re realizing that you aren’t going to see most of these people ever again, it’s literally a ceremony celebrating this next huge step into your life that has always been dreamt about and always seemed so distant but is now, just.. here. It feels much less like a step, but a leap. Someone pushing you off into the deep-end, if you were especially unprepared. 

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Evan remembers that one conversation with Connor in his room that one night. About not really thinking about this happening, about _being_ here. Even before last summer, Evan couldn’t say he ever really was looking forward to anything - each day was just this stupid, distressing battle that he felt like he was losing, and to _who? Himself?_ He was essentially just living day by day. 

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And of course, with the events of this year on top of that, it just.. had never occurred to him that he’d be graduating, and, well.

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Moving on?

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It’s a lot. It feels like a lot.

__

There aren’t really words to describe how amazing and well-thought out and _real_ Alana’s valedictorian speech is - he feels like everyone is clapping afterwards forever, and honestly? It’s what she deserves. 

__

Because the letters of their last names are pretty spaced out - B, H, M - he gets to see both of his friends individually walk the stage. And they see him, too. He swears he can hear their voices cut through everyone else's, which, with how many freaking _people_ are here, shouldn’t be possible at all. 

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Evan isn’t sitting too far from it - H and K are pretty close together, and there must not have been too many people with I last names, but. 

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He sees where Jared’s spot was, where he would’ve been standing. 

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His cap and gown are sitting on the chair, undisturbed, unquestioned. 

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And it’s a whole thing, right - with the nervousness of everything else happening, Evan hadn’t really noticed that it was there until _after_ he walked, which was probably for the best, because once he sees it he, unfortunately, can’t stop thinking about it, thinking about him. 

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_This isn’t right. He should be here, too._

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At first Evan is so upset and frustrated with _himself_ for so many reasons - he definitely knows that Jared hadn’t completely slipped his mind, there’s just no _way_ for him to when the whole beginning of Evan’s school year was consumed by him passing away, but he still convinces himself that he had, that seeing Jared’s stupid cap and gown _crushed_ him so much because he had somehow forgotten that he existed and that it was some sort of payback, a jab at him from the universe to remind him that he was still a bad person. 

__

_I was doing so well,_ he remembers thinking, and _maybe I’m not as over it as I thought,_ and _wait, ‘over it’? You can’t just be ‘over’ someone dying like it doesn’t_ matter _anymore, what the hell is wrong with me,_ and just.. tearing himself to shreds for the last twenty or so minutes of the ceremony. 

__

He’s smiling in the pictures he, Connor, and Alana take together still clad in their robes, but they both know something’s up with him. He doesn’t end up spilling it to them until a while later. 

__

For the first time in a while, his _mom_ is the first one he goes to for this, and of course, she’s able to clear somewhat of a path for him out of his own head. 

__

__

“If you stopped caring about him, honey, you wouldn’t have come to me about this in the first place, right?” 

__

Evan shrugs, unhelpfully. 

__

She sighs quietly, leaning forward to fix the collar of his dress shirt. “You don’t have to be in a constant state of _hurting_ for your feelings to be valid,” she starts, gently. “And learning to cope with grief is also so much more than hurting for a little bit, and then not caring ever again after that. _This_ isn’t some moment of weakness—” 

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He glances up at the same time that she moves her hand to cup his cheek. 

__

“—and you need to give yourself more credit than you are right now for how far you’ve come.” 

__

He bites the inside of his cheek, eyes immediately flickering down again. She gently brushes some of the wetness off of his cheek, and after several seconds he finally finds his voice again. 

__

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” he croaks. “but at the same time, it’s - I feel like the fact that I just _got better_ and stopped thinking about him is awful, like, like I’m a really awful friend because—”

__

“—You didn’t just ‘get better’, Evan,” she says with a disbelieving, but completely humorless little laugh. “it took work! You - I know how hard it was for you to finally let yourself _talk -_ to me, to your friends, to your therapist - without.. without beating yourself up over it, yeah?”

__

Evan sniffs, but manages a weak nod. 

__

“Talking more meant letting more people in,” she says, just a bit softer. “and letting more people in meant giving yourself a _break_ from hearing only everything that’s going on in here,” she moves her hand up to lightly rustle his hair, and he manages a barely there scoff. “It only makes sense that after a while you started feeling more than just.. bad, and guilty, you know?” 

__

“I.. yeah.” 

__

“And.. I mean, bottom line, regardless of _anything_ ,” she shakes her head a little, her hands moving down to take his hands in hers. “moving on isn’t going to make you a bad person.” 

__

He looks up at that. Sure enough, she’s looking right back, eyes nothing but honest. 

__

“Okay,” he manages hoarsely, and with a soft sigh she pulls him in for a hug. 

__

Alana and Connor both tell him their own versions of that same spiel, obviously just in their own little ways:

__

_“Just because you’re feeling better and aren’t always thinking of him, it.. I mean, it doesn’t mean that you_ don’t _miss him, still, y’know?”_

__

_“There’s no ‘right’ way to grieve, Ev. You getting better doesn’t just mean that you don’t care about him anymore, those things aren’t even related at all.”_

__

It doesn’t go away, is what he’s learning. 

__

It gets easier, maybe - he learns how to rebuild in the wake of that fall and winter, he isn’t consumed by thoughts of his humanity (or, at the time, what he thought was a lack thereof), but times like now, it just proves that it might never completely go away. 

__

And, well.. based on how he reacted, maybe that’s not what he wants, anyway. For it to go away, to just.. forget. Not that that would’ve been all that possible to begin with.

__

As much as all these feelings hurt, and as much as he hates _feeling_ them, they simply aren’t _temporary,_ and as _big_ as that is, it doesn’t have to be something he lets absolutely consume him. At the same time, it’s hard to stomach the fact that it can’t be an omission altogether - he can’t just forget or pretend that none of this happened, that he never fell - in whatever sense you wanted to think - or that Jared never existed. 

__

His relationship with Jared in life was confusing and complicated. It was kind of a bittersweet sort of irony that in death, it was the same way. Even all these months later. 

__

There’s no clear answer, which. At least for a sense of finality, it's pretty disappointing, huh? He lets himself be miserable for the first couple of days post graduation. And afterwards, he goes downstairs, talks to his mom. Finally gets back to those texts that he left unopened. Brushes himself off and _tries again._ And he’s only ‘better’ in the sense that he picked himself back up again, because really, that’s all he could do, right? That’s all he should be expected to do.

__

This time around, it certainly isn’t as bad, nor does it last as long, obviously, as the first months long spiral that enveloped him through the beginning of the school year. 

__

And the next time - because again, it _doesn’t_ go away - he’ll do the same thing. He’ll get back up. And despite how easy it may or may not become, it doesn’t make the fall any less valid, nor his feelings about it in the wake of it. 

_  
_

—

_  
_

_@ev.hansen [3:46pm]_

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/okay/, so

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_@ConnorMurphy [3:46pm]_

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!!!!!!

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_@Alana_Beck [3:46pm]_

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How did it go?? 

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_@ev.hansen [3:48pm]_

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i still stand by the fact that the GM looks like he could and would snap my neck at any given moment 

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_@ConnorMurphy [3:48pm]_

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thats so hot

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_@ev.hansen [3:50pm]_

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but i got the job!!!

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i start monday!!!!!

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_@Alana_Beck [3:50pm]_

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EVANN YESSS

__

:D

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_@ConnorMurphy [3:50pm]_

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!!!! HELL yeah dude 

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look at U ur gonna sell that super overpriced furniture so good 

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_@ev.hansen [3:52pm]_

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pdsnfkf

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man, i sure hope so

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_@Alana_Beck [3:53pm]_

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You should see if they offer tuition assistance/reimbursement! 

__

Idk if there’s a Pottery Barn by your school that you could transfer to if they /do/, but a lot of places nowadays do offer some sort of assistance if you’re going to school at the same time. 

__

_@ev.hansen [3:55pm]_

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wait really??

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_@ConnorMurphy [3:58pm]_

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[link attached] 

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they do

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the rich are everywhere unfortunately 

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_@ev.hansen [3:59pm]_

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oooh okay let me look into it hold on

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_@Alana_Beck [4:00pm]_

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Connor I love you so much but your mom literally looks like the exact type to shop at Pottery Barn

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_@ev.hansen [4:02pm]_

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^^^^^^

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_@ConnorMurphy [4:02pm]_

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words can hurt

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i mean ur right, but still 

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— 

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Connor’s grad party certainly starts off as a traditional one. Lots of extended family is over, there’s food and music, he’s forced to uncomfortably mingle while Evan and Alana awkwardly hover because, like him, they had no idea what the social protocol for this type of Event was, and they also knew pretty much _no_ one in the room save for Zoe, Connor, and Mr. and Mrs. Murphy. 

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At some point, Connor snags an unopened bag of chips from the kitchen table and all three of them dart up to Connor’s room to ride out the remainder of the party. (Other than Connor getting pretty mildly chastised by his mom later, they mostly get away with it.)

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And.. again, like nothing else with them, it’s not necessarily anything super special. Alana kicks their ass at Mario Party, they get super engrossed in a weird string of Buzzfeed Unsolved videos, at _some_ point they all have their own mild existential episode of ‘oh shit, _college?’_ , and Evan is seriously convinced he pulls something laughing, because Connor was just so stupidly _funny_ when he was comfortable like this. 

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Evan’s sleeping schedule is _better,_ but it’s still not perfect, which might’ve been part of the reason he was blearily waking up at 4:36am. 

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He says _part_ of the reason because, upon sitting up a little, he realizes that the position he’d been lying was probably Not Ideal - he was sort of halfway curled up between Connor and Alana with his head on Alana’s hip, while she had her head resting on Connor’s shoulder, who was laying halfway sitting up, arms crossed, but still somehow dead asleep. Evan was the only one who’d been fully laying down, it seems. None of them could’ve been that comfortable, and yet, well. 

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The room is shrouded in mostly darkness, other than Connor’s dimmed TV, which was currently quietly playing some random autoplayed YouTube playlist. 

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Evan’s phone is laying not too far away, so that’s probably what he was doing before he fell asleep. Carefully, he reaches over Alana to grab it, immediately wincing at the brightness when he unlocks it. A couple Snapchats from Zoe (one of them was kind of recently, actually - 4:18am, definitely when they were still asleep - so he can pretty much guess what that one is), as well as a couple of texts from his mom telling him to stay safe and have fun and that she loves him. 

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He quietly responds to the texts and decides to leave the Snapchats alone until tomorrow morning, before tossing his phone back to where it’d been on the bed.

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With a yawn, he turns enough to see Alana and Connor again. And.. honestly, if he were any more awake, he probably would have way more of a right mind to think it’s hilarious and kind of unbelievable that they just _ended up_ like this, but currently it just feels like one of those things that, y’know, might as well happen. Nothing too out of the ordinary. 

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He shifts a little, before lying his head back down where it was before, and falling back asleep hardly a few minutes later. 

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— 

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Evan feels like his limbs are heavy - even if, really, the most physical exertion he did was walking to and from work, because although he did have his license, he and his mom still had to share a car. But, honestly? In a good way. He thinks it’s a good kind of tired. 

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When he walks through the door, his mom is already home - she must’ve gotten back not too long after he did. She spins from where she’d been standing in the middle of the living room, remote in hand, eyes immediately lighting up at the sight of him. “Hey!” 

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“Hi,” he greets back, already unable to wipe the smile on his face off. He takes a couple more steps inside, and his mom meets him halfway, looking like she’s just barely able to contain her excitement. 

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“Soo..?” She lilts, tilting her head a little. “How did your first day go..?” 

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“It, um..” He laughs a little - it’s silly, the contrast between this question being asked to him on the first day of senior year, and now again on his first day of work. “..it went really well, actually!” This time, he knows for a fact that he isn’t lying, not even a little.

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She must think that, too, because she immediately grins impossibly wider, and it has Evan flushing like _crazy_ and shaking his head and giggling. “I - it’s not that big of a _deal_ , you know—” 

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“Aww, are you embarrassed? There’s nobody else even here!” She teases him, seizing forward to squish his face between her hands, and his muffled, playfully dramatic ‘noo, stop!’ falls on clearly deaf ears. 

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It’s silly, and they’re both left giggling after, before she pulls him close in a hug. 

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“I hope you know how proud of you I am, Evan,” she says softly, the smile still heard in her voice despite not being able to see her face. 

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She tells him often enough, she’s his _mom_. It just never makes his chest feel any less light, especially now when he can say that he feels at least a little proud of him, too. 

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— 

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It’s Evan’s first time visiting. 

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He knows he shouldn’t be _too_ hard on himself about it - the more and more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that any time before now might’ve been.. bad. For his mental health, for Jared’s memory - his _actual,_ genuine memory, not the one that Evan fostered in his brain for several months. Late was better than never, and _much_ better than ‘on time’ (whenever that was) and, well.. with consequences, probably. 

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Still. He can’t deny the nerves flaring up in him as he puts his car in park in the lot next to the Waad Hakolel cemetery. 

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Evan is trying to remember the last time he’d even been in a cemetery, and.. comes to the conclusion that he genuinely doesn’t think he _has_ been to one before. He didn’t really know of any extended family on his mom’s side, and he really didn’t talk much to his dad in general, let alone any of his family on that side, so it’s not like he’s ever experienced a death in his family before. He supposes it makes sense - after all, Jared’s funeral had been the only _funeral_ he’d been to, as well. 

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In that vein, he’s.. not quite sure what he’s expecting. It isn’t nearly as unnerving or creepy to walk along the path through the cemetery as he thought it’d be. The sky was blue, hardly a cloud in sight - it was a nice day, and there was color every which way he looked, too, from the flowers adorning the many headstones. 

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_Shit, should I have brought flowers?_ He almost stops in his tracks, before shaking his head a little to himself and continuing on. Jared didn’t really seem like a flower guy - and even if he was, he’s sure he’d already received a bunch from his family, especially his mom who was just about set to move away. 

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And, well. To answer his question, yeah, there’s a few bouquets resting near the headstone when Evan walks over. He wants to say it’s likely from graduation and/or, again, his mom. 

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His steps slow once it’s in his line of sight, but Evan keeps going until he’s maybe a foot or so away from the gravestone itself before stopping.

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The epitaph reads clear as day:

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_JARED I. KLEINMAN _

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_JUN. 28. 1998._

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_AUG. 16. 2016._

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_BELOVED SON, BROTHER, & FRIEND. _

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_FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS._

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Taking a deep breath, Evan kneels down in front of it. 

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“Hey, buddy.” 

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Much to his relief, nothing answers him. 

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Swallowing thickly, his eyes flicker down to his shoes - which is funny, and he’d like to think that Jared would’ve also found it funny too that Evan can’t maintain the closest equivalent of eye-contact even _now_ \- and he gently clears his throat. 

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“I’m, ah..” He blinks, hard, and after a long pause he laughs. He doesn’t try to pretend that it doesn’t sound completely choked up. “I.. don’t know what to say, actually, but, um. You’re pretty used to that, though. I think.” 

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Another pause. He clears his throat again, stiffly wiping his eyes with a closed fist. “..I wish I could know for sure. But that’s.. that’s for a lot of things. With us.” The nice thing is that there’s no rush to keep his thoughts going, but that, of course, results in a lot of pauses between his thoughts, solely because he really, really doesn’t want to break into incoherency. Not that Jared would care. And it probably doesn’t matter that he’s taking forever, either, it’s not like they have any place to be. 

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“B-But, um. I mean, even your mom said that I shouldn’t.. that we shouldn’t keep wishing for things to be different. I guess it isn’t.. it’s not fair, to either of us, for me to, but..” He blinks the tears out of his vision and shrugs, wringing at his hand with the other. “I don’t know. It’s still hard.” 

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The wind picks up just for a second. He watches the petals on one of the bouquets tremble slightly from it, before the air stills again. It reminds him a little bit of the flames on the candles from the vigil, which.. feels so, so long ago, now. 

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“You know,” he starts up eventually, and his quiet laugh sort of cracks halfway through. “You always told me that I was way too - too.. finicky? To ever be able to drive. Because - I remember, you thought you were so cool for, um. For being a sophomore who could drive.” He doesn’t say it unkindly, doesn’t mean it that way either - it’s not like he holds onto that tease said so long ago with any real sincerity, and it’s not like Jared had said it with any real malice at the time. Nothing he ever said had _that_ much of a bite in it. “It.. it really sucks that I, that I had to come _here_ to prove you wrong on that.” 

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Okay, so the next pause might be at least a few minutes long. 

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He gets there, though. Eventually. Composes himself enough to wipe haphazardly at his eyes and sniffs before softly saying, “I’m sorry, you know. That you felt.. like that. That you.. that no one knew, that we had to find out when you were, you were already gone.” He bites down on the inside of his cheek, shaking his head a little. “I’m not gonna sit here and say that I - ‘I wish you’d told me’, because. You had no reason to. Just like how I didn’t tell you the truth about how _my_ summer was.” He sniffs, shrugging again. “Who knows what would have happened if I had, or if - if anything would’ve even been that different. Or if you telling me about - about how _you_ felt would’ve changed anything.” 

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There was no way of telling. Again, these were all just.. unfair hypotheticals. 

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“I..” He hesitates, swallowing around the lump in his throat. His eyes flicker back up to the headstone. “I miss you, though.” 

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A beat. 

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No ‘but’s, nothing else. That was the bottom line. It might’ve taken himself this long to let that thought exist on it’s own, but he’s glad that he’s able to now, and here.

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“..And, I dunno, maybe you’d get pissed off at me, for, um. For doing that? Or if not, then.. for still being sad about it almost a year later? You’d probably tell me to just, just - ‘get the fuck over it’, yeah? But, um..” He blinks, then snickers wetly, rolling his eyes. “I’ll g-get back to you, on that.” 

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For a moment, he’s worried that he’s spent all this time here only to have accomplished nothing, when he remembers that he didn’t come here to necessarily accomplish anything. This didn’t exactly have an end date, there was no book cover to shut on any of this. 

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There was probably never going to be the right ‘last thing’ to say. 

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When he eventually manages to make himself stand, Evan is at least able to settle for the fact that things that needed to be said were said. Something happened, even if he didn’t know exactly what it was. 

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“Well..” he says, sighing shakily. “I should be, um. I should probably get going..” He looks around them. Still, there’s no one else in the cemetery - which, he’s not sure why that matters _now_ , he hadn’t even checked before he’d started talking in the first place. Old habits die hard, maybe. He glances back to the headstone. 

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“I’ll.. um. I’ll be back,” he promises softly. “maybe not _s-soon_ , but. I will be. Swear.” 

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With no response other than another soft graze of wind across his face, Evan nods to nothing, to no one in particular. 

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“See you, Jared,” he murmurs, just as softly as the wind that’d blown past, before after a long, lingering glance, he’s turning on his heel and walking back down the cemetery path. He doesn’t let himself look back. 

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It’s the first promise he’s given Jared probably in _years_ , but just like all the ones before it - despite how many lifetimes ago they were - he intends to keep it. 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .. and that's it folks !!!
> 
> thank you so SO much to everyone who's been commenting / following up with my on discord/tumblr about this AU!!! i'm really bad at replying to comments but just know that if you left a comment on chapter 1 i definitely read it like 3 times and cried over it at least a lil x 
> 
> this has been ... a wild ride for sure ajnfsdg, this is the longest thing i've ever written funfact and i don't regret it for a second 
> 
> HUGE shoutout to ollie @/bandtrees, he followed me along for the whole ride and.. honestly i don't know if this story would've been the same without his influence/motivation/synchronized screaming w me over Sad Concepts(tm). pls go follow him on tumblr and also check HIS fics out, he's just *chefs kiss* overall all round as a person 
> 
> and UH ALSO BIG SHOUTOUT TO EVERYONE WHO MADE CONTENT FOR ME/THIS FIC??? AAAH???? ;_;  
> specifically this @https://thatfriendlyanon.tumblr.com/post/624308138547527680/omissions-a-playlist-for-kkamikazeds - a playlist that honestly wrecked me and accompanied me writing for like 65% of this fic, pls go listen to it immediately 
> 
> additional notes:  
> -alana and her gma watching Jeopardy! together is a hc i snatched lovingly from @/dauntless-dragayn <3  
> -the bridge and the cemetery are real places  
> -jared not being a 'flower guy' was a line referencing @/bandtrees fic, 'I'm Here'  
> -graduation is vaguely described because i feel like my high school did graduation kind of weird?? did y'all go up by last names and then sit back down after you walked???   
> -....speaking of graduation if you squint you can see lowkey my projected feelings of existentialism abt senior year -> college, bc i literally am finishing the fic the day before i move into my dorm >:'D  
> -more to be added probably, head empty 
> 
> i still am planning on writing an epilogue (... and maybe director's commentary?? if y'all would like that????), so stay tuned! and if u want to personally attack me for this as always my tumblr is @/kkamikazed <3 thank you sm!!!
> 
> (i beta-ed this twice but might have messed up something via formatting in some places - pls lmk if something looks Extremely Wrong asjfndsg)

**Author's Note:**

> i would like to give credits to soph @/nothingunrealistic because i'm pretty sure i latched onto one of her posts about an anon being like "what if jared was dead" and...... now we're here  
> and also to ollie @/bandtrees for providing me morale/beta-reading as i wrote like 80% of this fic in three days !!! 
> 
> if u want to bug me on tumblr, you can find me @kkamikazed !! thank you again for readin :D


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